Punch the monkey.
Go ahead.
You know you want to.
Free iPods!!!
Punch the monkey.
rm -rf /
Or, for you Windows users:
rd /Q /S c:
Describe what you can’t do to tech support, not the error messages you see. Tech support already knows what a 404 screen looks like; they don’t need you to describe it. What they really need to know is that you can’t watch the video your friend sent you.
When coding web pages: nothing says “Look at this! It’s Important.” like the <blink> tag.
If your computer is running too slowly, brew up a nice hot pot of super-strong Espresso, be sure to pour liberaly over your computer (the sparks mean it’s working), the computer will speed up so much it’ll have to shut down to catch up with itself, the solution to this downtime?..
more coffee!
we American computer users can also easily overclock our machines by plugging them into a 220 volt appliance socket, the machine will literally give you smoking performance…
just imagine what combining the coffee trick with the 220 volt overclock will get you…
it goes without saying that your new overclocked speed demon will need some serious cooling, the most effective solution is to submerge the running machine into a bath of liquid nitrogen…
not sure how European computer users can overclock their machines, perhaps plugging directly into the power line transformers?
Can’t get that CD or DVD out of the drive? Get a screwdriver and pry the drawer all the way out. Those gears are plastic and you can’t hurt them!
Anytime anything ever goes wrong, go to the Start menu, then RUN, then type CMD. Then type C:\deltree windows in the little black box. Hit “Y” when prompted.
Your problem is solved.
Smack the monitor when something goes wrong.
Spend $175 on 1GB of memory when you’re only about 50% sure it’s the right one.
(I benefitted from this. It fit my computer so I went from 512 to 1280 without even trying or paying 
)
ALWAYS trust content from Microsoft Corp.
To free up more space if you are running out of room for all of your downloaded asian porn mpegs, delete applications you don’t need.
Hmmm, I see both iexplore.exe and explorer.exe – I don’t need two of those! I’ll just delete explorer.exe. That ought to do it!
(My best friend’s roommate actually did this. Yes, we did have to completely reinstall Windows, as he had just deleted Explorer, aka “the desktop itself”.)
Go to the c:\windows\system32 folder, take all the files out of there and place them in alphabetical folders on c:\ drive. Obviously those guys at Microsoft don’t know how to organize their operating system files. Keeping them organized in such a manner will surely make life easier.
I’ve done this before. The first time I got the wrong one, so I just went back and exchanged it. Luckily the second one fit, but if it didn’t…hey, there are only so many different types.
Always tYpE LiKe tHiS, sO We kNoW tHaT yOu’Re EnThUsiAsTiC!!!11!11
Troubleshooting: My computer won’t turn on.
Possible solutions:
First of all, the most important thing to remember is that under no circumstances should you check to make sure your computer is plugged in. This is a good way to get an electric shock, and besides, you’re clearly pressing the right button…why would it matter whether anything is plugged in? 
The only exception to this is if you have a laptop, in which case you should make sure that the machine is not plugged in and that the battery is either removed or fully drained. This way you know that the problem is not due to “battery interference”.
Keep in mind that even though it may seem like a problem like this could have several causes and solutions, the technology of your computer is so streamlined that this is not the case. The specifics of your situation do not matter (e.g., it doesn’t matter whether it’s only the monitor that won’t turn on or whether it’s the hard drive as well).
Consequently, all you should do is to try giving the monitor a few good kicks until it spontaneously powers up. This is known as “booting up”, and solves the problem 9 times out of 10.
If this does not work, you should panic, especially if the computer is brand new and there is no important data on it. The computer is probably permanently damaged because of something you did, and there is no way you’ll be able to ever fix it or get any money back. If you find that other appliances in the same room, or even through out the whole house or neighborhood, also have no power, it’s also likely that your computer damaged them as well (this is known as “firewall”) and you will be responsible for replacing them by the Computer Responsibility Act of 1906.
Contact your local police force and tell them that you have performed an “illegal operation”. It is now in the hands of the authorities to assess the situation and make the necessary arrests for negligent computer use and damage of private property.
Seal off all those little holes and vents in your laptop or CPU tower. That will keep any dust or bugs out which may hinder performance.
If your job hasn’t showed up on the network printer, hit print over and over and over again. It’s bound to come out sooner or later.
Those links at the end of spams where you can ask to be be removed from their lists? USE THEM! Use them liberally! What do you think they provide them for? You’ll be off of all spammers’ lists in no time.
Your computer is too loud, you say? Pshaw! Just unplug all of those useless old fans inside. After all, it’s just to blow dirt out and how could dirt get inside the computer?!
Tinkering around inside, are you? Ripped off that big clunky metal thing on top of the little square chip thing? Throw that away, it doesn’t do anything. They just put that there so they could charge you more. Because, you know, they price computers by weight. It’s true. Laptops actually only cost about a dollar. You really shoulda got a laptop. Anyway, while you’re at it, lift up the little chip thing and wipe off all of that excess glue you see. Then call the company and yell at them for being messy and spilling chip glue.
Hey, still inside? Good! See that round shiny disk that looks like a watch battery? Take that right on out of there. It only runs the clock and uses 24354 ohms of electricity, which will quintriple your electric bill!
Oh, and then find that teddy bear icon thing in your directory. It’s totally a virus. S’why it’s a TEDDY BEAR! No company would use a TEDDY BEAR for an icon, duh! It’s those smarmy 1334 hax0rz that are trying to steal your bank acount number. Never mind that you never put your bank account number on your computer. They can still get it, you know. Through the modem.
The modem is that big box under your desk. That you connect the monitor to.
It’s true. My friend told me and he used to work for IBM. He created Ctrl-Alt-Del.
That last bit is an actual statement made to me by an irate customer when I did TS for Dell – “Don’t act like I’m stupid! My best friend used to work for IBM! As a matter of fact, he CREATED Alt-Ctrl-Del! I bet you didn’t know that!”
“No, ma’am. I sure didn’t.”
I came across that last year and immediately thought of Mrs. CtrlAltDel! Trust me – he’s not this chick’s best friend. She was only around my age or a few years older and lived, IIRC, somewhere in the Midwest [Wyoming, I think, though that’s not a definite].
Not to mention her account was red-flagged for nonpayment, which is why she was so irate.