Thank you- this is the best advice I’ve heard yet. Like I said, I don’t wanna poop on her happiness, so all I can do is be her friend no matter what. Especially since the only thing I could really tell her is, “Something about him really rubs me wrong, he seems intent on making you into a mama for his daughter as quickly as possible, and you are only young once.”
Seanette, I’m 24, a girl, and I’ve been in a relationship of my own for almost 2 years. I have wondered if what I’m feeling is jealousy because she is still in the “honeymoon/shit-faced in love” part of her relationship, but I’m confident that isn’t it.
Thanks for the opinions, everyone, and keep them coming if you’re so inclined. I’m happy to be the idiot here because in the end, I want her to be happy, but I’m having trouble ignoring the alarm bells.
When friends are in relationships I disapprove of, I make my feelings known in a gentle but direct fashion - just once. And that’s it. After that I shut up. Who knows, sometimes seemingly bad decisions end up working out in the end. All you can really do is be there for her if things get bad.
The way I approach things is that I never hesitate to clearly tell my friends how I feel, and why. Once that’s established I leave it alone and do not mention it again unless specifically asked. They already know how I feel, so there’s no need to keep bringing it up. Beyond that they are my friend, and I am supportive of them if not every one of their decisions. I will be there for them if and when things go awry without saying “I told you so.” I don’t have to say it, they already know.
Thanks, but (not to backpedal here), I think the advice of bringing up your concerns gently once is good. But one time only. If she’s already considered everything you have to say, which she likely has, you’re not going to change her mind. Bringing it up again will come off as browbeating, and won’t go over well. Good luck.
I agree with this completely. The OP’s friend already knows what’s happening. If she’s made her decision, then the OP has no business second-guessing it.
I’m in the mention your concerns once and then drop it (unless she looks to you for a sounding board for her own concerns) camp.
Yes, she probably doesn’t want to hear it, but, it’s also just wrong to assume that someone else has told her so she’s hear about these alarm bells from someone else.
(that said, I’m also in the camp that thinks that your alarm bells are reasonable, but also oversensitive. Many good relationships have baggage in them).
The way I woudl broach it is to say “Here are some concerns I see, and I’d just like to put this before you because I’m worried about it.” The goal is not to talk her out of anything, but to arm her with enough hints that she can identify and address the patterns soonest.
She has to climb on this horse on her own - but you can offer her a leg up.
I wouldn’t be concerned based on what you described.
When concerned, I have spoken to friends…I have stopped one marriage for occurring, but in most cases it happens. Sometimes, the marriage works despite my concerns, but since I really try for respect and understanding, it’s never been held against me. Sometimes the marriage doesn’t work and I get told thanks. I always make sure they know that I’m supportive of whatever action that they take, but having had bad marriage that friends suspected would be bad, but no one said anything, now I butt in. Because had I felt supported in backing out, I might have…I didn’t feel good about it either, but was seeing it through.
She’s not stupid. She knows it’s a bad deal. The most you can do is drop a few catty comments but there’s no talking her out of it unless he does something ostensibly wrong like cheat on her. Just let your friend live her life and deal with the consequences. You can judge, but you shouldn’t interfere.
There are a couple of my friends now who imo got married too early and now they’re not doing as well as they’d hope. However, as a FRIEND, I didn’t try to ruin their engagement/marriage, and I’m not there with a big bag of “I told ya so’s”. You can just support. Save the nagging for your kids.
Uh, 2 years is not a “recent” divorce. Whether or not he is ready to move past the grieving stage which you do not believe should be over yet is hardly any of your business.
I will echo the people here who have said that none of this is really your business, and that there aren’t major red flags. It’s hard to accurately judge a relationship from the outside, but that stops next to nobody from thinking they understand the relationship better than the people who are actually in it.
I know one person, call him Joe, who said something to one of his best friends, call him Mike, about an engagement. Joe (and all the other friends) were really worried about Mike and thought this engagement was a really bad idea - partly because of the speed, partly because of the woman, partly because of the context. Joe didn’t put it as ‘I think this engagement is a shite idea’ - he put it as ‘I’m worried; do me a favour and reassure me that you’re OK and happy and sure of what you’re doing, so I can ditch the worrying and be happy for you.’ Mike said, basically, ‘I know all the lads have been worried about this, but you’re the only one who’s had the guts to say it. I appreciate that, I’m fine and I’m happy.’ End of conversation. (Mike’s still married and happy six or seven years later, so it looks like it wasn’t such a bad idea after all.)
Partly this worked out because Mike knew that Joe is one of the most honest people in the world and never, ever has a hidden agenda. But partly it worked because Joe didn’t put it as a problem that belonged to Mike or his fiancée. He put it as a problem that *he *was having, and that he needed Mike’s help getting past. So it didn’t put Mike on the defensive by implying ‘Your fiancée sucks and you’re too thick to have noticed.’
If you do decide to say something, I’d recommend that approach.
Sorry, you’re right- I’ve never been divorced so that was just my own judgment. I don’t think I mentioned that I actually knew him before he got married (and before I ever met her)- he got married in mid-2007 and was divorced by early 2011. I think I’m more concerned that his last marriage ended rather swiftly AND so very soon after his daughter was born (she is 2 now) than the fact that his divorce was 2 years ago.
Like I said, people have all sorts of ideas about other people and their relationships. Especially when it comes to marriage and divorce. If you get divorced too early, it’s because you didn’t try ‘hard enough’ to save it. If you find someone you are happy with and want to spend your life with them, you’re moving too fast. If your spouse is an asshole and you stay too long trying to fix it, you were ‘blind’ about their true character. If you start dating after your divorce, you’re rebounding. If you wait too long, you’re not doing enough to get back out there and get over your failed relationship.
There are a whole host of issues that go with the decision to end your marriage. I can assure you that people don’t take it lightly and your commonly heard judgment of the matter isn’t unnoticed.
Leave them be. If you really feel compelled to impose your judgment of the situation above theirs, then voice your concerns for her happiness once and accept her answer.
This sounds a lot like relationships I’ve seen that have worked out just fine. There aren’t any big red flags there. An 11 year age difference isn’t enormous. Lot’s of people get remarried, or even married the first time with kids. Two years after a divorce is plenty of time for some people.
So like everyone else is telling you, don’t say anything.
I find it interesting that your OP describes some tepid warning signs and nothing else about the guy. If you have no complaints about his personality, what he does for a living, what type of father he is, or how he treats your friend, then you are leaping to a conclusion based on nothing, or maybe you’re against this for some other reason.
These are classic abuser red flags and, I think, they warrant some discussion with her. However if she’s never said that she feels isolated to you, you’re not in a position to be the one to talk to her about it. At least not in a way that she’d be receptive to – she’d likely fixate on how you got information told in confidence to someone else and get defensive.
That said, since she is saying this to her best friend, it’s probably a good idea for him to step up and dig deeper. He shouldn’t just let her say these things and let her off the hook. It could be as simple as saying “If you feel isolated with him, how is that going to make you happy in the long term? You already seem to be a bit unhappy.” (It probably won’t be that simple, but he can perhaps plant a seed.) The most important point is to focus on the “are you happy?” question, not to disparage the boyfriend in anyway. If he does that, she’ll just close ranks on him. Remind her that she doesn’t have to do anything that doesn’t fulfill what she needs, even if her needs are in conflict with her boyfriend’s. I think a lot of young people lose sight of that – they start thinking that martyrdom is romantic or a sign of how much they love the other person.
If you can mention this to her best friend, so he can pursue it next time she brings it up, that’s probably the only viable approach. And recognize it may not work, and you may just have to stand by while she makes her own mistakes, and be there for her if/when she wants to extricate herself.
Rushing the relationship, early talk of marriage and committment, roping her in with an early relationship with the child, isolating, general lack of boundaries, serial engagement (has he ever dated anyone he didn’t become engaged to?) incredibly disrespectful treatment of his ex (letting the child call someone else “Mom”) . . .
There’s a lot here to be worried about; the OP is not just whistling Dixie.