I see nothing in the OP that suggests the woman is being ‘isolated’ from friends and family. In fact, OP talks about meeting all of them, of the woman and guy and child being out and at restuarants, etc.
The OP mentions that another friend said that the woman said she ‘felt isolated’. Second-hand info, in other words, and if there is one golden, universal truth in the world, it’s that women worrying about a mutual friend’s love life are totally capable of convincing themselves that a passing comment meant far, far more than it meant. I’ve seen whole friendships blown up because of one drama-loving ‘friend’ taking a friend’s comment completely out of context and telling all and sundry that ‘the relationship was doomed’.
Four years is not a ‘quick’ marriage. Two years after getting divorced is not ‘quick’.
The OP seems convinced that at her ripe old age of 24, her two extra years of wordly experience give her special ‘intuition’, and it’s so strong that she’s ‘physically ill’. :rolleyes:
Puh-leaze. OP should shut up and mind her own business and stick to being a supportive friend.
:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
And if he wasn’t suggesting they get engaged etc, he’d simply be using her as a hot 22yr sex toy, he obviously has committment problems, he’s keeping the daughter and ex away to avoid letting the new GF into that part of his life etc etc etc. Yeah, I know how that would be construed.
‘Roping her into’ with a relationship with the child? Maybe the girlfriend -asked- to meet the child? Maybe he -wanted- to share that part of his life with her as opposed to tucking it away like it wasn’t important? Lack of boundries…wtf? Having someone else call the child 'mom is disrespectful to the ex? WTF?
Maybe this guy is bad news…but there’s NOTHING in the OP to suggest he is.
Why does this matter at all? I hope you aren’t married (hah) to the ridiculous notion that a failing marriage should be prolonged for the sake of the children.
My rule of thumb is never ever voice your concerns about your friends relationships. It’s pointless.
That includes what I call ‘bashing sessions’: Wherein ‘Jane Doe’ says to her group of friends: I broke up with my BF because I caught him cheating on me. Isn’t he a total jerky-face? To which the group of friends reply: Oh yeah, he’s an ass. I never liked that guy. This banter goes on to ad nauseum. All the while, the group of friends reassuring Jane that said BF is indeed a jerky-face.
Then after all that shit talk, guess what Jane does one week later? Yep, you’ve seen this happen before, Jane gets back with jerky-face. And now YOU’RE left holding a big, giant bag of awkward.
I just don’t see the point of having friends who won’t let me know what they think. Are they there to fill a chair while I eat lunch?!? And what kind of friend am I if they can’t trust me to appreciate their candor and forgive where they turn out to be mistaken?
Issue Number 1) Non-issue. According to all of the women I know, they say men act 5 years younger than they are chronologically and women act 5 years older than they are chronologically so he’s only 1 year older than she.
Issue Number 2) As others have said, two years after a divorce is not that long.
Issue Number 3) Unless you know some circumstances about the divorce you didn’t share, you are being extremely presumptuous. How do you know how hard he worked on his marriage. Maybe she was slleeping around or a drunk or emotionally abusive. And six months is a long-ass time to wait before seeing what the dynamics are between a child and significant other. You also didn’t say how it happened. Was it dinner, movie then girlfriend staying over or was it a few hours at the zoo. And seriously if you’ve been dating six months it’s a committed relationship and I seriously doubt your friend was looking for a way out of the relationship but decided to stay because of the little girl. Oh and from experience with my stepson, just because the other parent has visitation and shared custody doesn’t mean that they’re a “parent”.
I generally agree, but this is an exception that you could take advantage of if you want. Unless your friend has asked for your input they’re likely to ignore what you say. It’s an emotional time for people, and it’s better to maintain a good relationship and be there when they need you. However, you have to know your friends. A couple of years ago I told a friend flat out to not get married immediatly after his divorce went through. Of course he didn’t listen, and a year later he was divorced for a second time. I knew he expected me not to hold back, but I could have just saved my breath.
I’ve also noticed that if you question someone’s relationship they tend to be defensive and hold on tighter even in a bad situation. You can find threads all over the board from people who have misgivings about their relationship, and they’ll stubbornly insist that they’re in love and can work things out somehow.
If this was a 25 and a 36 year old, I might agree. But outside of extraordinary situations, I’d advise against a 22 year old getting into any kind of long term committed relationship, especially a life long one. At that age, there really is no particular hurry to get things locked up. It is almost always a better idea to transition into real adulthood, experience some independence, and most of all keep yourself open to the many opportunities and possibilities that will come at that unique time in your life.
The young woman is questions is still a student. She has never paid her own rent. She has never paid for her needs out of her own paycheck. She has never been outside of a institutional setting. She still has a LOT to learn about herself, adulthood, and her future. Furthermore, she is probably not going to be in a situation where she can support herself fully, nor will she have fully developed post-college peer groups. It’s not unlikely that she will become financially and emotionally dependent on this man, and will not have experienced a time of financial and emotional independence in her life, which is a bad scene, especially for someone so young.
I think in general, a respectful SO who is dating a much younger, non-independent person will take special care to give her space to mature. What is the rush to get married at that age? Why not take a few years to grow up a bit?
I find it interesting that the development of feminism in the modern era that enables women to be free from the requirement of marriage and able to make their own choices about life, is replaced by a new flavor in which they should be obligated to avoid marriage because they don’t understand themselves well enough yet to make their own decisions intelligently.
I would approach the situation, not out of concern about the guy being the right guy, but the fact that she’s 22. Most people at 22 don’t know who they really are or what they really want out of life yet. I think people shouldn’t getting married until they are at least in their late 20’s. As an example, look at the big mistake her fiance made several years ago.
I got married at 23 and wished people had told me I should have waited…now would I have listened to them, is a different story.
I think you should something – the example quote sounds gentle enough – if only for your own piece of mind. She already has doubts, and seems to be asking her peers for advice. If she ignores your advice it won’t matter; if she does cancel the engagement it’s probably the right choice.
Of course you should say something! Nasty cooze thinks she can tie your friend down and milk him for childcare, wants to make him give up his freedom to take care of some sexy bad boy’s baby! Tell him to run, fast and far, from that moochin’ cow!
I’d also advise young men and transpeople of all stripes to strongly consider living in a financially independent scenario for a significant period before getting married and raising kids.
Oddly, though, if we got a 22 year old male college student on this board saying “Hey, I just got engaged to a 34 year old mother of a toddler that I met last semester. I feel kind of isolated and like I’m wasting my youth, but it’s love, right?” I highly doubt many people would be saying “follow your heart!” We already automatically advise guys to hold off on kids until they are absolutely sure of things, to not rush into marriage, and to take some time to enjoy their youth.
My daughter met all three of my GFs very shortly after I started seeing them (separately, that is) because, as a single parent, it just wasn’t practical for me to date someone and never take them home. However, I often have friends stay over, so at first they were also just friends. I don’t see that as a red flag at all.
22 does seem rather young to be getting married, though, especially, like even sven says, for a 22-year-old college student thinking of marrying a man with a kid. That’s not just getting married - that’s changing from a lifestyle where you have virtually no responsibilities to one where you have lots. A long engagement does sound sensible.
Voicing some concerns - especially in the way someone else said above (sorry, on my phone so can’t scrawl back) where you’re clear it’s your concerns rather than anyone involved being a terrible person, would be a good idea. If nothing else, it might put your heart at rest.
Well first, that was in response to a guy who thought a six month relationship was long enough for it to be fairly committed and stable – and while that would be true if it were six months, calling a six week relationship committed and stable is a whole other kettle of fish.
Also, introducing someone as a friend to your daughter is completely different from introducing someone to her and leading the poor kid to believe that she is “Mom” after only six weeks. At best it’s going to be confusing to a little kid. What happens if at six weeks she’s calling her “Mom” and at 9 weeks they’ve broken up? You don’t think calling her “Mom” implies that it’s okay for the kid to get attached? Little kids need more of a sense of stability than that, not a revolving door of “Moms.” You just can’t know at six weeks if she is going to be a step-mom, and it’s not fair to the kid.
If she does turn out to be step-mom, absolutely nothing is lost by waiting a couple months before telling the kid that that’s a possibility. And for the kid’s sake I still wouldn’t encourage calling her “Mom” unless the kid comes up with it herself.
I personall don’t hold my friends accountable for my mistakes. If I am in a bad relationship and it flops, I am not going to chew out my friends for not saying anything or warning me. My best friend is not my Relationship Early Warning Radar. I’m not going to dump blame for him being asleep at his station just because I was too blinded by titties to see the problem myself.
I think its a shitty attitude to have, and takes responsibility out of the person involved and dumps it on their peers. If they were in physical danger, surem say something. But a bad relationship? Thats above my pay grade.
Agreed about all that. Though from the OP I’m not sure if he means the kid is being encouraged to call the gf mom, or if it’s just him not correcting strangers if they do so. It would be awkward to correct people in public.
At least one other person commented about the child meeting the new partner early on, and I just don’t think that’s a bad thing in itself.
I’m not seeing any red flags, here. Yes, if he was intentionally acting to isolate her from friends and family that would count but this:
Doesn’t indicate that he’s isolating her. There could be any number of benign reasons she feels “sort of isolated.” To someone young with no prior marriage experience, simnply being in an exclusive, serious relationship can feel “isolating.” I remember feeling this way initially when I had my first serious/turned into a live-in situation boyfriend at 21. But certainly nothing he did prompted that. It was simply my feeling about being in such a relationship for the first time.
Also I think it’s a rather healthy thing that he is on good terms with his ex - his child’s mother.
My closest friend announced that she was marrying a man she’d only know for about six months. Elaborating would be boring but…at the time I felt very much like the OP and was very concerned that her new man was a total user.
That was six years ago (we’re all in our 50s, so a different generation) and I can unequivocably state now that her husband is absolutely one of the best things that every happened to her. He is a sweetie.
My sister, similarly, at age 36 and previously unmarried announced that she was marrying someone a few years older than her that she had not known for long at all. He’d never been married before (red flag at that age) and was (still is, actually) an asshole in many respects. But that was 16 years ago, and you know what? They have two great kids and what appears to be a very solid marriage.