That’s nice. I’d rather he be totally embarrassed and in his room with his fingers in his ears than off getting a girl pregnant or dying of AIDS. When you’re a mom, embarrassing your kids is a bonus, not a deterrent!
I’ve helped an 11 year old learn to nurse her baby. I am determined that it won’t happen in my family due to ignorance. If one of my children wants to be a parent before a teenager, they’re going to do it fully knowing that it’s their choice, not an unavoidable thing.
I can’t even assume my kids’ school is teaching long division, why would I assume they’re teaching safe sex?
When is a matter of balance. Many boys (because they mature later then girls) are probably not quite ready to know too much at 13 - others will be. Girls are almost certainly ready at 13. Fortunately, my kids are seeing the results around them right now of poor choices relating to sex. A 17 y.o. family friend has a child. One of my daughters 15 y.o. friends is pregnant. One of their cousins was an unmarried mother.
I hope we have instilled enough sense into them to make wise choices about sex. The choice to have sex (or not) is theirs, but I do advocate waiting. But I do know that they know about contraception, where to get it, and who to see regarding emergency contraception to (us first, by preference). My real hope is that by making sure that they know what to, they may be able to help their friends with accurate, appropriate and smart advice if they need it.
The more I knew about sex and what could happen, the less likely I’d have been to have any even if I’d had the chance (which I didn’t, really) as a teenager. 'Twas scary, some of it. And I’m not talking about scary misinformation, either, just the facts. But if I’d gone ahead with it, I knew about birth control and whatnot. I’d rather my kid (if I had one) have the information, and what said kid does with it is probably none of my business.
I don’t get the whole “they don’t need to know about sex, they won’t have it until they’re marred” mindset – let’s say they really don’t Do It until they’re married…somehow a half-hour ceremony means that Evil Awful Sinful Sex is now Great and Wonderful? I’d think that’d really mess with most people’s heads.
But not everything that teenagers “know” about sex and contraception is accurate.
Just knowing “condoms are a good thing”, while it is true, isn’t necessarily enough, either. There are wrong ways to use condoms- such as with Vaseline as a lubricant.
I understand that not every kid knows everything there is to know about safe sex. But there is a certain subset of kid (I was one of them) who just doesn’t want to hear that coming from their parents. These kids already know what not to do, what to do if they end up doing it and what could happen when you do it.
I was in 5th grade in 1991 where they taught us all of the basics of sex and safe sex in school. In 7th grade the health teacher actually brought in a condom and showed us on to put it on and how to remove it.
For all the whining about how terrible sex education is in this country, I refuse to believe it’s devolved in the last 15 years to “sex id bad, don’t do it.” And I assume for most Dopers (we’re all dorks, so your children are dateless dorks as well), that should be enough.
I was about 15 when my school did the same, condoms, female contraceptives, barrier methods the whole nine yards…certainly kept us well infomred.
But a slight question and apologies if TMI. At 13 is the penis large enough to properly use a condom? And if not where would you get one from? It could be faulty memory and perception etc, but I don’t think I would have been able to keep one on at 13. And no I am not now small…I am about average.
Not that I live under a rock or anything ('cause I don’t), but still… :eek: !
And for those who are worried that talking to the youngsters about sex or providing them with condoms will lead to sex, consider the following: I am 37 years old. At any given time, I have in my apartment and in my backpack enough condoms to manufacture a complete set of tires for a Boeing 747. (Enough lube–water-based, of course–to oil one, too!) And I’m not having sex. With anyone else. Well, usually not, anyway.
And bless those parents who refuse to let their kids wallow in ignorance and shame about perfectly natural biological urges. Knowledge is power, and here, it really can save your life.
So these particular kids are bright and mature enough to handle their own sexuality competently, but collapse into puddles of goo when Mom says “condom”? Okey dokey then. :dubious:
Setting aside the morality issue–I’ve known a couple of sets of people who got pregnant 5 minutes after being married. Now, this is not neccessarily due to lack of information about birth control–the groom in one such couple is a twit. A nice guy, but a twit. Still, having some idea about various forms of birth control and how to obtain them can’t hurt–especially for those who get married young and don’t need birth control prior to the wedding.
I’m glad your school had good sex ed. I assume your school had good mathematics and literacy education as well. That doesn’t change the fact that there are plenty of schools in this country (heck, there are several in the nearest large city) whose students don’t demonstrate a basic proficiency in math or reading. Even if thorough sex ed is offered, it doesn’t mean those students are listening. Or maybe they think they know all they need to know because their friend already (mis)informed them. Or maybe they went to a Catholic high school, where I assure you no teacher is going to apply prophylactics to any fruit.
There are schools in this country, public ones at that, that only offer abstinence only education, which mostly amounts to “sex is bad, don’t do it.”
If you are a parent of a child that has functional reproductive organs, it is not safe to assume that they know everything they need to know.
Uh…I never thought of that, actually. You may have hit on an untapped market (pardon the puns) - condoms built especially for teens. Good luck with the marketing on that!
So that’s why you have all that lube! (I keed, I keed!)
As a liberal fuddy-duddy, I’m torn between the argument that birth controll access encourages ilicit sex, and denial of birth control leaves out-of-control teens unprotected. I guess this is where real family values comes into play. I agree with Grandma – 13 is too, too young for “all that.” My wife and I handled it indirectly by dragging our boys to church when they were young. They both attended youth group sessions in which “Christian limits” were discussed. I know, it sounds all so goody-two-shoes, and I was frankly a little put off by the mind-numbing wholesomeness of it all. On the other hand, it did keep my sons’ britches zipped untill well after high school; our oldest has never had sex with anyone except his wife, but in the spirit of full disclosure I have to add that they were high school sweethearts who “went steady” for 11 years before getting married.
I really hate to think of parents having to be fatalistic, but I guess that by the time the kiddos are in their teens, either they’re gonna’ or they ain’t, and not much the 'rents can do. When it came down to it, I’d remind my son that we’d had “the talk,” and end with, “So, I’m assuming you won’t have any need for this,” as I handed him a condom. But … that’s just me.
I really don’t mean this to be snarky or insulting, but do you think there’s a posibility that this is what you were told by your sons because it’s what they knew you expected of them? I ask this honestly because I wonder about students in abstinence based programs who have sworn such solem promises not to do anything before marriage. I expect there’s a high percentage of students who are “doing things” anyway and completely pulling the wool over their parents’ eyes because they don’t want to disappoint them. In a case like that, I fear teenagers would be less likely to use protection for fear of being caught purchasing, storing, or disposing of it.
I don’t mean to imply that it’s impossible that your sons waited. I’m just wondering how well you know that they did.
(spoken as someone who did wait longer than usual to be sexually active out of fear of the super premarital fertility that seems to be a family curse)
Or, put slightly differently; Hey Sunrazor, when *you * started getting laid, did you send your parents the memo?
(Again, not saying that you’re wrong, just pointing out that kids don’t generally keep us in the loop on their sex lives. Well, and being a wiseass, because it’s what I do. )
Hmm…see, I *did *tell my mother. She took the exact same tack with me as I have with my son, so it wasn’t a huge deal to have an off-hand convo about sex. Since it was Big News that I was rather excited about, but I didn’t want to blab it to other folks, I confided in her.
But yeah, I was probably in a minority there. But I think the way she had all those mini-talks with me encouraged it, and that’s one reason I’m handling it the same way.
It’s not like I’m a constant lecture machine, or it’s all one-way information. Not long ago, my son mentioned as we were playing cards that he was a little appalled at the lack of sexual knowledge among his friends. “Mom, they didn’t even know that erectile dysfunction can be caused by high blood pressure!” Now, I admit, we had not, until that moment, discussed ED. I think he picked it up from a drug ad. But since he opened the door, we chatted for a few minutes about the history of ED treatment - how it used to be considered a psychological disease and something to be ashamed of, how most men at some point have difficulty keeping an erection, but it’s not ED unless it’s a repeated problem and how yes, he’s right, it can be a sign of larger health issues and you should seek medical attention for it.
–Sorry, Justin_Bailey. Are you screaming for your happy place yet?
I get a lot of requests from parents for educational materials about sex and puberty issues (health librarian.)
I always tell 'em “No parent or child has ever actually died of embarassment. They may wish they were dead, but they always manage to survive.”
Better to talk about it than to end up where I work (hospital.) I spoke to a young woman (16-ish) who had the clap and got PID. She said “I am an idiot. Please give me all of the infomation you have on STDs and do some research on how I may have messed up my chances of reproducing in the future.” She knew she needed birth control (and got that part right), she just forgot about STDs. Ouch, in so many ways.
My personal litmus test for teens thinking “Am I ready for sex?”: Can you call up your doc or a clinic and make an appointment to get birth control or deal with a STD? Are you brave enough to walk into the store and buy condoms and lube? Are you mature enough to tell your partner your limits and discuss safe sex issues with them?
If so, go for it and have fun (if you want to, of course!) I certainly won’t think you’re a prude if you wait awhile. If you’re not ready to deal with those issues, there’s no way you are ready to have sex and face up to the possible consequences.
(I keed, I keed!)