Im a bit confused at a response I got recently and I believe this board might be able to help me understand the response.
Let me preface, the topic isnt about whether or not God exists. I prefer the discussion to avoid that path.
Event: There was a situation where a family member (not my family) was dying of cancer. Based on the info shared, I believe death was imminent. The information is causing the family some issues. They are having difficulty dealing with the imminent loss (50 y/o male).
I made the comment that I would keep the family in my prayers.
One of the sons of this person jumped all over me, almost demanding that I not pray for him or his father. He was obviously angry that I would do such a thing for his family by making statements that God didnt exist etc and ranted on about Faith negatively. Now I wasn’t aware of his beliefs, and his sister said she would appreciate my prayers which only made him angrier.
My question is why the anger? He seemed genuinely offended that I would pray for his father or him. Why should he care if I pray for his father and him?
It sounds like he’s an atheist looking for comfort and being offered nothing but religious platitudes. Sometimes evangelical types even use moments of pain to try and “convert” the atheist.
It is also very frustrating to atheists in pain when people make this offer as if they are doing something to help, when to atheist it’s just a waste of time.
All that said, the only explanation for the strength of his response is that he’s heartbroken and not acting rationally. Of course it does no harm; he just wants to hear somebody say they are going to fix his Dad.
Without knowing the content and intent of previous conversations between you and them, we have no way of knowing whether this was an overreaction to an isolated well-meant platitude, or a case of you saying something that you might have known would set him off.
The son was out of line, and was behaving unusually for an athiest, most of whom couldn’t care one way or another who prays for whom as long as they leave us and our laws alone.
In terms of an explanation for his response I can come up with a few theories. First he was clearly under a lot of emotional stress so even something small might have been enough to push him over the tipping and cause him to lash out. When he is under this strain being told that there is a mythical being that is going to make it all better, or that is father will “be going to a better place” may seem to him to be patronizing and not acknowledging the seriousness of the situation and the reality of the severe emotional trauma he is going through.
Much like saying “look on the bright side” or “when life gives lemons make lemonade” can be really annoying for someone going through a hard time.
Cut him some slack. He’s going through something terrible, and yes, he’s probably heard a lot of this lately. It’s nice to know people are thinking of you and your loved ones when something like this happens, but it also doesn’t alleviate the situation, so it can be frustrating. Or this guy may be a dick who happens to be an atheist.
I think the kid was just lashing out. He is angry that a loved one is dying in front of him and probably angry at the whole world.
He is not yet mature enough to interpret “I will keep the family in my prayers” as meaning “I am sorry this has happened and wish you peace”. The correct Atheist response is 'Thank You". Given the pain he is in, I would cut him some slack.
Perhaps it was just the assumption that he would appreciate prayers that irritated him. And if the rest of family is religious, maybe he’s already dreading going through the charade of a big religious funeral.
And maybe you were the one person he felt safe venting to.
~shrugs~
Straw that broke the camel’s back. Although, ya know, you could always try out something like “If there’s anything you need, let me know”, which actually deals with the real wants and needs of humans rather than telling someone you’re going to wish for stuff on their behalf.
Totally agree with the others. You didn’t do anything wrong, but sometimes an individual under extreme stress may use a small issue to vent their anger. It is unfortunate that you end up on the receiving end of the fusillade, but don’t take it personally.
When my mother died, I got lots of platitudes. I got one that still rankles to this day “Oh well, everything happens for a reason, you know. God has a plan.”
Bull fucking shit. My mom didn’t go through 30 years of being a nurse, unhappily, looking for her retirement, just to be diagnosed with cancer the year she retired, and die three years later, for any ‘plan’.
When you hear things like this over and over sometimes the stress gets to you. I didn’t snap at the woman, but I did smile politely and said, “No, I don’t think so.” And she gave me a look, and i went on with my life.
Cut him some slack. You said the family is having difficulty with the imminent death; I can also see there might have been some disagreement in the family, if the sister thinks he’s going on to a heaven and the brother thinks his only time alive is being cruelly cut short. 50 YO is young.
I wish people wouldn’t say that when they don’t know anything about the person in question but you were not out of line. You certainly did not deserve to yelled at for saying what is a fairly normal response to misfortune. It can come off as someone using a person’s misfortune to try to push Christianity, just a little bit. As other’s have said, the son is under stress. Turn the other cheek on this one.
I’m not an atheist, but I think I can still give some insight. Simply put, when people are under stress, especially facing death, they may react harshly. To give an example from my own life, I had a terrible break-up that was unexpected and very harsh on her part and I was heart broken, and many people attempting to help me out gave me a line along the lines of “well, at least you found out now”. I got that they were trying to give me the bright side, and I was able to not snap at them, but when I was grieving, that sort of statement just made me think more about how she wasn’t there.
In this case, I can imagine for an atheist facing a tragic death, mentioning God may come across to him as a way of reminding him that, in his view, this family member will be dead and gone for good. He’s not able to think that your intention was to comfort or that you weren’t aware that he was an atheist, he just perceived it as rubbing salt in his wounds.
So, sure, he was a little bit out of line and probably could have thought more and realized that that interpretation of what you said wasn’t accurate, but it’s really not fair to blame someone for seeing the worst interpretation and over-reacting in that sort of situation. If I were in that situation, I’d apologize offer a more generic sympathy and whatever assistance may be appropriate and maybe consider talking to him about it after some time to clear up the misunderstanding and set the records straight.
Honestly, this is where I like the Jewish traditions surrounding mourning a hell of a lot more than the Christian ones. None of this “I’ll pray for you” stuff, but “I’m sure you’re going to be too out of your wits to take care of making you and your family hot, nourishing meals these next few days. Let us help you out with that.”
That’s not really fair. I’ve personally only said I would pray for someone when specifically asked to pray for someone. Otherwise, I won’t, for several reasons but the big ones being that I don’t thing we should advertise that sort of thing, Jesus specifically says not to, and that it doesn’t really help someone to know whether or not they’re being prayed for.
Still, I don’t see how “I’ll pray for you” is any more offensive than “I’ll keep you in my thoughts” or “I hope the best for you” or whatever. At the very least, even if it doesn’t actually accomplish anything, isn’t there some solace in the idea that someone is concerned and thinking positive things?
You may not believe in the efficacy of prayer, even as a theist myself, I don’t believe that’s its purpose (more of another discussion), but saying it’s literally the least someone can do is missing the point. Yeah, they may or may not actually accomplish anything, but they’re still doing something. The least someone could literally nothing: “My uncle is dying” “Dude, that sucks.”
That said, if someone mentions that a family member is dying and the only response is “I’ll pray for you.” that kind of misses the point too. Hopefully, as part of the conversation, there’s some attempts to console and offer some assistance or, depending on how the person grieves, maybe just listen or share in some reminiscing or whatever.
Praying is really doing nothing but thinking good thoughts, maybe he’s tired of people doing nothing while wanting credit for doing something?
But I get it, You want to do something and you think prayer is something. My mom died recently and I got a lot of “keeping me in their prayers”, I never lashed out but I have pretty good control. I just thanked everyone.
look, and i went on with my life.