Thinking about it honestly, I think it would indeed make me somewhat angry if someone told me that at a time when I was genuinely upset about something, especially something of the magnitude that people tend to feel about the death of a close family member.I don’t know that I would snap at them angrily, but I might if other things had worn down my patience and it was a particularly trying time. Yes, I know they’re just trying to say something nice and helpful, but even in a calm moment that sort of comment makes me angry because it feels like an attempt to sound like you’re being helpful when you’re really not.
I honestly would prefer “Dude, that sucks.” to some comment about praying, because at least the guy that says it sucks isn’t trying to give a false impression of actually doing anything to help. One is an honest comment that your situation is bad, even if there’s no offer to help - the other strikes me as a disingenuous attempt to claim the person is putting some sort of effort into helping. It is most likely not their intent, but it certainly comes off that way.
Not to say that’s an ideal response or that people should become angry at what is usually an honestly good gesture, but I certainly find it understandable in moments of significant stress.
Yes we do, it’s called the benefit of the doubt. It’s very clear what your statement actually means: I actually think it’s more likely that you are an asshole who pissed someone off. At least own your statement instead of pretending to be unsure.
As for the actual answer:
Being offended when someone is trying to be nice is not rational. His irrationality is understandable because of his grief. But, in general, such a comment would just be a sign that the person is intolerant of people who believe differently than they do. So even if that were the case, the OP still did nothing wrong.
Possibly, but for a variety of reasons, religion is a hot-button topic to some people, and offering to pray for someone in a religion that they consider wrong can be taken as offensive.
I invite you to consider a situation where someone sincerely offers to recite an incantation to Satan on behalf of your gravely-ill loved one. If you can honestly say that you’d have no negative reaction whatsoever, I’ll be suitably impressed.
I stand by my earlier comment - unless one knows for certain which particular phrasing regarding prayer will be appreciated, best to shut up about it. Stick to the generic “I’ll keep you in my thoughts”, if you absolutely must say something pleasant-sounding but useless. An offer of “If there’s anything I can do…” strikes me as far more helpful.
I get that it’s a hot topic for some people, I just think that when one thinks about it rationally, even if one thinks religion is complete nonsense, it still shouldn’t be taken as anything worse than saying “I’ll keep you in my thoughts” or whatever.
Funny you should say that because in the instance of the personal anecdote, I had someone offer something that, at the time, was more or less the same thing. Made aware of exactly how bad she’d treated me in the break-up proposed that she would cast a hex on her. Sure, my intial reaction was that I was weirded out, but I didn’t lash out about how it was anathema to my beliefs. Even though I didn’t believe a curse would actually do anything, I thanked her for her concern but asked that she not curse her because I didn’t wish ill-will on her.
Oh, I completely agree, I just also wish that when it does get said that there was a realization that it’s essentially the same thing and just take it for as much and try not to lash out. I, too, would rather it be accompanied with some kind of legitimate offer of assistance.
Ah, but I’m not talking about a curse, or indeed any intent at ill-will. Someone says sincerely that they recite an incantation to Satan in the honest belief that:
a. It will, or at least might, help, and
b. That you’ll feel better once informed of this intent on their part.
Now, there’s a spectrum of reactions one can have, from a weak smile-and-nod to “Fuck off, asshole.” I don’t see why any of them should be considered off limits.
I’m not going to say I WOULDN’T lash out. Pain makes you lash out in circumstances that wouldn’t even register an eyeblink under normal conditions.
“I’m praying for you” is something so common nowadays that it irritates me. For instance, occasionally we’ll get an email message about a sick or injured coworker, and we’re asked to keep so-and-so in our prayers. Or someone will say, “Just know that we’ve keeping you in our prayers.” Or someone will ask to be kept in our prayers. It’s become a meaningless thing…on par with “How are you?” and “Have a good evening.”
One of the worse things about being in pain is having to be polite around people who don’t know what to say to you.
I don’t understand the anger either. I’ve stopped believing, but when I was very sick I appreciated all the prayers from anyone. Besides the many Christian prayers, there were others.
One women who worked for me said that her mother wanted to know if I would accept Muslim prayers - I did and was grateful for the thought.
One woman who describes herself as Wiccan said that her coven would cast a healing spell if I didn’t mind - I didn’t mind and was grateful for the thought.
I don’t work inside their belief systems, but it seemed to me that it didn’t hurt me and I’m glad people cared enough to do it.
I feel this part needs to be reposted, because a few people in this thread are chiding dngnb8 for offering nothing but meaningless platitudes. That’s clearly not the case.
Dngnb8, you did nothing wrong, and he shouldn’t have snapped at you, but as others have said, it’s a difficult time for him. He’ll probably feel bad about it later. Try to put your hurt aside.
I wouldn’t snap at someone angrily like that, but it would at least cause some internal eye-rolling if someone said “I’m praying for you”. To me, that’s as comforting as saying “I’m doing some homeopathy for you” or “I’m working on a perpetual motion device for you” (i.e., zero comfort, more or less).
So, all you Christian’s, if a Satan worshipper attends a funeral, are they allowed to say, “I’ll say a prayer for your family!”
How would that go over at a Christian funeral? Not well, I’m guessing.
Doesn’t Christianity go on and on and on about ‘doing unto others…etc’? If you wouldn’t want a Satan worshipper saying such a thing to you, in your darkest hour, then maybe you should choose another phrase.
Unless you’re looking for credit, stop announcing your prayer intentions! You can still pray for them. One assumes God still hears your prayers, whether you boast about them or not, right?
Or, perhaps, preface such boasting with, 'If you’ve no objections, I’ll keep you in my prayers. Then you might have gotten a more pleasant, ‘Please don’t!’, instead of an angry tirade.
Surely even Christian’s are aware that a lot of evil has been done to individuals by organized religion. People are often left without resolution, when such things occur, often as a result of church policies. That leaves a lot of victimized persons, with a grudge to bear, against organized religion. Now you get them, on their worst day, and want to offer a prayer. I can understand blowing up in such circumstances. So why is it, a Chrisitian cannot?
I disagree - it is exactly as conforting as knowing that another person is sympathizing with you. It is the the religious person’s version of saying ‘you have all my sympathy’. The extent to which this is meaningful is the extent to which this other person’s sympathy matters to one.
Obviously for those of us (like me) who do not believe in any god prayers have no actual, literal value. Neither do expressions of emotion from others, like tears shed on one’s behalf. It is, nevertheless, sometimes a comfort to know that other people care, even if they express that care in a way you do not believe in.
Of course, it can be irritating if the gesture is a mere platitude and not sincerely meant, or worse, some attempt at prostheletizing. But that’s another story.
That’s why “What can I do for you?” is a better statement. The person can respond with anything from “I really need some help picking my kids up from school this week” to “keep me in your prayers.”
I agree it is always better to offer actual help, rather than mere expressions of goodwill or sympathy.
In the case of the OP, seems he or she was offering actual help, and in addition offered the prayer thingie. The issue is whether the latter is really offensive or not. Obviously to some it is subjectively, and knowing that I guess it really ought to be avoided, but in my opinion at least a sincrerely meant statement of that sort really ought not to be seen as offensive, any more than any other expression of sympathy.
No, probably not more inherently offensive, but still better to ask people what they need from you. That way if they want prayer, they can ask for prayer.
Don’t get me wrong – the sympathy is nice. But “sympathy + perpetual motion machine” is not superior to sympathy alone, and – in the particular case of myself – would actually have a mark against it.
Sounds to me like the son is stressed while dealing with a huge loss. Your comment, however well-intended and (IMO)harmless, simply pushed him over the edge. Not your fault. I guess just keep that in mind when you’re around the son. I’ll bet that the sister was embarrassed by her brother’s behavior, maybe more than he was. I feel kind of sorry for her.
This seems to me a rather typical case of a Christian making the assumption that everyone they know surely shares and appreciates their faith. Most days I’d respond to promises of prayer with “OK, thanks.” (and be thinking “whatever.”) Catch me having a bad day, and I might go off on you like the bereaved in the OP did.
If a devout Christian had a sick mother, and I offered to sacrifice two goats and a chicken, and prepare a healing potion by casting a spell over a mixture made from their still-warm blood, how would that go over?
Well, certainly there is a bit of a “when in Rome, do as the Romans” aspect to this. If the fellow knows you are an atheist, offering prayers is a bit of a tone-deaf response.
OTOH, if a Hindu offered prayers knowing full well most in north america aren’t Hindu, at least IMO that wouldn’t be offensive - I’d tend to take it in the spirit it was given, rather than assigning a mark against them. I certainly wouldn’t give an angry outburst at their temerity, or consider such an outburst a reasonable response.