What is it about this guy that you actually like other than you think he is into you?
Another vote for married, or likes to flirt and get womens numbers, then gets cold feet. Also - don’t guys give you their number rather than you giving them yours? If not, why not. Maybe he’s only got one name - clutching at straws here.
Well, WhyNot, it’s probably my fault for writing such a novel. But, the reason for my confusion about his apparently standing me up, is because he was so very interested in me for such a long time. I didn’t even give him a second thought until about a month or more of his trying so hard to get me to like him. I knew he would ask me out the very first time he talked to me. I knew it 100%. You know how when you meet someone and you know immediately that he will ask you out, he just needs to wait until he knows you will say “yes”. It always takes several months until they reach the point where they think I’ll say yes and aren’t scared to ask.
My confusion stems from the fact that for someone to be that intent on getting a date with me and all of the other little things like finding out and memorizing what kind of car I had and being able to spot it coming from a distance, remembering what I wore the first time he saw me, asking me out on a date 2 days in a row because I couldn’t remember my schedule, etc… In other words, this guy was “bent” on getting a date with me. My confusion stems from the fact that he wanted this so bad and for so long that to not follow through on it and actually go on the date that he made with me is completely bizarre. We spent a lot of time hanging out together over a few months or so. It was obvious that he was crazy about me. It was a huge part of the reason I even became interested in him in the first place. To go from being that crazy about me for months, to standing me up and then ignoring me is the most confusing thing that’s ever happened to me. I obviously have no interest in this person anymore. I’m just very confused/curious as to what happened that would make him stop before getting what he had wanted so much and for so long, that’s all.
I don’t know…I don’t get the vibe that he’s been pursuing you all these months. You assumed he must have looked out the window after you left the first time and memorized what kind of car you drove. You assumed that when you came back to the store weeks later, and “He happened to be in front of the window. He was looking right at my car, trying to see if that was me inside. In other words, I knew that he recognized my car.” You knew right away he was going to ask you out…but it actually took several more months of you frequenting the store before he actually did…but every time, you “knew” what he was thinking of doing.
All this seemed to me, on first and second reading…a little flakey. But not on his part. Of course he is going to approach you in the store…you are a customer, he’s the manager, that’s what people do in retail. I’m not doubting that there was some attraction there, since he did eventually ask you out, but you seem to be reading so many signs and portents into things.
I did the exact same thing with a customer of mine…well, actually he was both a customer and one of the security detail. He stopped by frequently, flirted with me, made a point of standing really close, made a point of seeking me out to talk to or deal with…to the point that I asked him out, which he seemed to misunderstand. Finally, after a few months of being shown pictures of his new grandbaby, after having his arm put around my shoulder when he greeted me outside the store, after being asked my opinion of his new cologne or having him ask me to bake cookies for him, I asked him if he was dating anyone. And he seemed surprised, and said, why yes, he’s been dating someone seriously for a few years, didn’t I know that? He thought, because everyone on the security force were friends with my boss’s husband, that I knew that. He was just a major flirt, and I had misinterpreted everything he had ever said or done because he made my knees weak. He still comes by and flirts, but my knees don’t react.
Maybe you have put such a hopeful spin on things that you aren’t seeing what is really happening. Who knows, maybe he IS married…or maybe he’s just awkward and shy. But don’t read so much into every detail. Don’t over-analyze every glance. And don’t even THINK about the odds of a cell-phone crapping out and storms taking down the lines on the one weekend you are expecting a call.
So why didn’t *you *ask *him *out?
And therein lies your mistake. You need to be like Bond; mysterious, diffident, and popping off at the last minute to prevent some megalomaniac from destroying the British banking system, as that is the purview of Parliament. Of course, you also have to be tall, tanned, and blue-eyed, with a droll Eton accent and a cleft chin, driving an Aston Martin coupe and consistently beating the bank at chemin de fer. It’s a nice gig if you can get it.
To the o.p., I can’t really bring myself to the point of mapping out who did what to whom, other than to observe that the you seem to have built such an extensive relationship with the guy in question that it took ten paragraphs just to summarize it, but you hasn’t actually been out on a date or even knows the fellows last name.
That sounds snarky, I’m certain, and I’m probably the last person to criticize anyone about romantic misadventure, but I actually intend it as a sincere observation to the o.p., to wit, that you’ve invested far more energy and concern into this “relationship” than it could possibly deserve. You should call or text him and say, “Sorry about the mixup. Give me a ring if you want to hang out sometime.” And then, move on.
Stranger
Cat Whisperer, that’s the thing, I’m really mad about what happened with my phone situation. If it weren’t for that, I would know for a fact that he chased me for months, then deliberately chose to stand me up before the first date, therefore he’s a crazy possibly married weirdo, end of story. I’ve heard of guys actually lying to girls about whether they called or not if they got even just a cell phone going straight to voice mail after calling the girl a couple of times initially. They said they didn’t know if the girl was playing games with them or not and didn’t want to feel like a fool. It sounds crazy, but some men care more about not doing anything that will make them look like a fool, even more than they care about anything else. He was the type, I mean it took him several months to ask me out for a reason. He didn’t want to ask until he knew I would say yes. I knew that the first time he talked to me.
Yes, when he said he would tell me (his last name) when he called me, I immediately felt a lot of the attraction/interest I had for him disappear. I also didn’t like the tone in his voice when he said it. He started to behave like the type who is really nice and scared to talk to you initially, then changes into a dictator who’s going to tell you the way it’s going to be once he knows that he’s “got” you.
Also, as you are the “cat whisperer”, any suggestions on this: it seems to be my cat’s goal in life to never let her paws touch the floor. For example, she is on top of the refrigerator right now for some reason. Any tips or tricks on cat communication?
Well, Dinsdale, that’s the thing, I didn’t care. I mean he didn’t keep me hanging for months, I knew he’d ask me out the first time he talked to me, that’s all. Whenever it happens I just decide at some point in time if I would be interested in going out with the guy or not. If not, I just don’t spend any time talking to him whenever he approaches me. Or I casually mention that I have a boyfriend or something to try to let him know I’m not interested so that he doesn’t keep wasting his time. I didn’t even start to think as to whether or not I would actually be interested in saying “yes” when he did eventually ask me until over a month after I met him. Even then I never thought about him unless I was at the store and he happened to be there. I just knew he really wanted to ask me out right away, that’s all. It happens. Whenever it does and I decide I’m interested, I just let him pursue me, show my interest back to him and wait until he asks. Someone as interested as he was wouldn’t waste all that time and energy just to stand me up before our first date. It’s just very strange.
Yes, lezlers, I haven’t been back there since. I’ve been going there for a long time. I went there to buy something about 4 months ago, was pursued by a guy bent on going out with me, got stood up before our first date, now he’s ignoring me. Not a very comfortable place for me to be. It makes me angry because I didn’t start any of this, I didn’t do any of the pursuing/initiating and now I can’t even get treated professionally as a customer.
She’s on the fridge because cats like being on things. How’s that? 
Yeah, this guy sounds like a flake. It doesn’t sound like you’ve invested too much in him, so that’s good.
Shark Sandwich, lol, William Shatner mask! I probably didn’t explain that right. It wasn’t like he was a creepy weirdo leering at me from a distance. He walked out of the store and went to his car. Another employee, a guy, walked out about a minute after he did and went to his own car. The other guy got in his car and drove away right away. I assumed they had both just gotten off of work. I was putting my phone, keys in my purse, looking in the mirror, etc… just whatever it is that I do before getting out of the car and going into the store. Whenever I glanced in his direction, I was surprised that he was still there, just standing there looking at me in my car for a long time. Because of the angle at which we were both parked and it was dark, I don’t think he realized that I saw him doing this. He stood there for about 30 seconds looking at me before he left. When he finally got in his car and drove away, I felt disappointed. I thought, “well, gee, what did I want him to do, come over and ask me out in the parking lot, that would have been kind of crazy.” It turned out that’s exactly what he had wanted to do. I didn’t know why, but I knew he would ask me out the very next time he saw me. And he did. He said that he saw me there the night before and it was his night off and he went up there to meet a guy he works with after this other guy got off of work. He said they were going out drinking. He said he saw me and was going to ask me to come with him, but didn’t because he thought I would be too tired. What he said was a little different from what actually happened. He didn’t mention that he stood there looking at me thinking about it for about 30 seconds before he finally drove off. In other words, he really wanted to, but after stopping and thinking about it for a while, talked himself out of it.
It’s kind of like what happened before the first time he ever approached me and started talking to me for the first time. He walked up to me and stopped about 6 feet away from me and just kind of stood there for about 10 seconds and I didn’t know what the heck he was doing. So, I just kind of turned my head and starting looking at something else so that he wouldn’t feel stupid, and then he continued to walk up to me and started talking to me. I mean, I’ve never seen anyone literally stop and think before and he did it twice. Once before approaching me and talking to me for the first time and once before he was going to ask me out for the first time.
Do you not fear William Shatner’s wrath because of your comment?
He could be a pod person, NoClueBoy. It was weird because the first time I ever saw him he was neat, clean, well-groomed, very quiet, and each time I saw him he changed for the worse. He started to look heavier, his hair was longer, grew some facial hair at one point, shaved it off later, didn’t look as put together, got more outgoing and very animated when talking to me. It seemed like he was out of control at times or falling apart, I’m not sure. The last couple of times I saw him prior to the date that never happened, he was looking so bad I remember thinking if he doesn’t start looking better soon or the way he used to look, I’m not going to be interested anymore. I didn’t seriously mean that, and he still looked better than most people, he just looked really, really horrible. The first time I saw him after the date fell through, the time I went to apologize about my phone issues, he looked as good as new. He was neat, clean looking, well-groomed, very quiet, low key. He looked exactly like he did the first time I met him.
Yes, sugar and spice, that’s related to my confusion. I mean he pursued this for months, wanted to ask me out once in the parking lot and thought against it. Asked me out the next day, I couldn’t remember my schedule for the week, he asked me if I could find out my schedule and stop by the next day. Then he asked me out again. He told me all of his days off and the one he picked was the one we had in common, a Saturday. I mean, it was really important to him that he finally get the date nailed down to a specific day and a specific place where he could take me. So much so that he asked 2 days in a row. To spend months of effort and time on this and not follow through is strange. But, maybe if he is married he thought against it and didn’t need to follow through. Maybe the ego boost was enough for him.
It never occurred to me at the time that he was married because he let me know that he was available on all of his days off. Also, because he picked a Saturday for the date. The time he was going to ask me out in the parking lot but changed his mind was his night off, it was a Friday, and he went to work to meet a coworker at 1:00 in the morning. I thought that someone who needed to do that probably didn’t have anybody. Not even a close friend who would be awake at that time, or available if all of his friends are married. I guess it didn’t occur to me that he could be married and just be a horrible husband.
Hi, NurseCarmen. I never felt that he was socially awkward or shy. He seemed like he was scared to talk to me at first and scared to ask me out at first. He wanted to wait until he knew that I would say yes, but that happens a lot to me. Every man who’s ever asked me out in my life has asked a friend if she could ask me if it would be okay for him to talk to me, or if that option isn’t available, then it takes him months before he asks me out. I always thought that he was the type of man who liked to be in control of everything and confident in general, just not specifically with me until he could tell that I liked him too. The first time he ever talked to me he reached the point where he asked me where I worked, if it was somewhere in the area. I was vague in my answer and he cut the conversation short immediately, made an excuse to get back to work and left.
I don’t think he will call. He’s either already tried, got a phone situation that put him off or stood me up and didn’t call on purpose. Either way, I haven’t been back there since and I would think he would feel too stupid calling at this point. If he chose to stand me up and blow me off on purpose, I wouldn’t have any interest in talking to someone like that anyway. If there were extenuating circumstances, he would have to do something to prove it and make it up to me somehow, not just talking. I listened to him talk for months.
Hi, WhyNot, I’ve never asked a man out in my life. I’ve had a lot of boyfriends and they’ve always asked me out. I’ve never walked up to a guy first, talked to a guy first, flirted with a guy first, asked a guy out, asked a guy for his number, offered a guy my number, I’ve never initiated anything with a guy. I don’t just mean the first time I meet a guy, I mean the whole time I know him until he asks me out I never initiate any of that with him. I mean if someone’s interested in me and talking to me over the course of several months, I would never even walk up to him first the whole time. I guess it’s probably because I’ve never had to because I always get a lot of attention. I mean I never think about asking somebody out or even initiating a conversation with somebody or initiating anything. I mean it’s not something I ever think about. Also, I wouldn’t be interested in going out with a guy if he wasn’t interested in me enough to do all of the pursuing. They always do the pursuing and I just show interest if I’m interested or don’t if I’m not. I usually don’t initiate contact with a guy once I’m in a relationship either. I usually just call them back, etc…I only attract guys who are interested in being the pursuer, so I guess that’s why they are interested in me and vice versa.
Hi, kittenblue. Well, maybe it’s hard to understand because of my writing skills. I’ll try to explain a little better. The bit about the car, it’s really hard to explain something like that in type. But, take my word for it, I knew that he recognized my car at the time. He remembered it and recognized it 2 weeks later. Also, 3 months later, when he was in the parking lot standing by his car looking at me in my car. (The time he was going to ask me out but changed his mind and asked me the next day instead.) He was about 20 feet away and there were a lot of cars in the lot. But, he knew which one was mine. He noticed it and was looking right at me. He remembered which one was mine for 3 months.
I knew he would ask me out the second time I met him. It was the first time he approached me and talked to me. I always know when a man is going to ask me out. I know right away. 2 or 3 times in the past it’s been with 100% certainty. Usually it’s just like maybe with 90% or so certainty. It’s usually not with 100% certainty only because they usually lie and make excuses for the attention they’re giving me until they know for sure that it’s okay with me. I’ve never known that a man would ask me out and been wrong about it. I’ve just always found them to be really easy to read, I guess.
I knew right away he would ask me out, but I also knew it would take a very long time. It always takes them several months. So, if I knew that he would ask me out and I also knew that it would take him a very long time, I guess I could have either lived at the store for several months, or come back there every so often for several months. I would have to keep going back to the store every so often, because I knew it would take quite a while, it always does. They don’t have any idea that I’ve known for all that time. I mean, I always act surprised. They enjoy pursuing and it really makes them feel proud of themselves like they’ve accomplished something special.
As far as his job is concerned, he’s some kind of assistant manager or something. I never asked because I didn’t care what his actual job title was. It’s his job to stand behind the counter with anybody else who might be working at the same time he is and ring up customers on the cash register. It’s also his job to put out stock on the shelves. If I’m in the ice cream section of the store and he comes out from behind the counter and register, looks for me and finds me in the ice cream section, walks up to me and starts talking to me, that isn’t part of his job. He never left from behind the counter, looked for and walked up to and started talking to any other customers. With 3 exceptions, this is what he would do every time I went there. The exceptions were the first time he met me, when he was behind the register. The time he was in the parking lot looking at me in my car and the second time I met him, the time he walked up to me and talked to me for the first time.
When he walked up to me and talked to me the first time, the second time I met him, the time I knew he would ask me out eventually, this all happened outside. He had seen me pull up, recognized my car and came outside of the store to talk to me. Then he just stood there several feet away from me like he didn’t know if it would be okay or not if he walked up to me and started talking to me. So, I just kind of looked away a little bit so he wouldn’t feel stupid and then he continued and walked up to me and started talking to me. I’m certain that it isn’t part of his job to walk outside of the store and approach customers in the parking lot after recognizing and remembering their cars.
I don’t know about being around a guy and having my knees weak. I mean, it’s always nice to get asked out, especially if I like the guy, but it isn’t something that I ever care about or think about. I mean I get too much attention, and get asked out a lot, so maybe that’s why. Sometimes it’s enjoyable, but most of the time it’s annoying because it’s too much. But, that’s probably why I don’t ever put a “hopeful spin” on this or anything else. I mean, I don’t care, in general. I’ve never asked a guy out, I would never want to. If a guy isn’t pursuing me and doing all of the initiating, that means he’s not interested. This is just confusing to me because it’s been my experience that whenever a man pursues me with the intent of asking me out, he always goes beyond the first date, I mean that’s the whole point. This one’s intention on getting what he wanted, or vibe, or whatever you want to call it was stronger and easier to pick up than most men who ask me out. Something happened to stop it, or he got scared about something and stopped himself. I just don’t know what happened, so I find it to be confusing, that’s all.
Sorry I don’t have much more to add. But do you mind if I ask why you are putting this amount of thought into this? (I ask this acknowledging that in the past I have overdwelt on minutiae.)
The reason I ask is because you’ve written an impressive number of words/posts on this, which seems a tad out of synch with your description of this as not a big thing. You say it was not important enough to you to ask him out or take any other steps to get things going. But then you sound distressed about your phone difficulties. On top of this, you describe him acting in ways that impress some of us as either creepy, suspicious, or unattractive. Does this kind of thing happen to you often?
Just trying to understand what is going on. And rethinking my previous approach of not emulating 007 - or a strip mall assistant manager! 
“Creepy, suspicious, {and} unattractive” - yup, that sums up my feelings about this guy now.
No. Because we want to keep the ball in our court WRT whether we call or not.
alicenchains7, Now might be a time for you to develop some “game”. That is to say, learn how to approach guys and flirt with them so they know you are interested instead of just sitting back passively.
Well, Dinsdale, I’m angry because I used to go there all the time for years, sometimes everyday. I don’t need to have this guy ignoring me, running away from me, or any other kind of drama if I ever start to go back there again as a customer. I’m not interested in him anymore, but I’ve been a customer there for years and I would hope that he can get it together and not feel the need to continue to be dramatic if I decide to start shopping there again. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve already had to inconvenience myself because of how he acted the last time I was there.
I’m also angry because if this guy knows that he has a problem with getting cold feet or being married or whatever the issue is, he maybe shouldn’t be trying to get customers to go out with him. He should maybe stick to picking up women at bars, or anywhere else other than at work.
Also, because of my phone issue, I felt like I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. So, that issue, plus the fact that I knew that he had been interested in me for a long time, led me to give him the benefit of the doubt. I assumed he tried to call or text and that I inadvertently stood him up. So, when he walked up to me and started talking to me and I started to apologize for my phone being broke, I felt like I was totally blindsided by his behavior and was humiliated. I mean, it isn’t just what he said, it’s that he had this smirk on his face and I could tell that he was just saying anything to cut the conversation short and get out of there. Then he made an excuse to leave, turned and practically ran away from me.
So, I was left with thinking, okay, he started all of this, he asked me out, not once, but twice, because he had to get a date with me so bad, so of course, I would assume that a normal person who had the hots for me that bad would actually have tried to call and make the date. Then when I put myself out there and bring the subject up about my phone being broke, I was made to feel like a fool. I mean, no, I’ve never had this kind of weird experience before. Whenever I know a guy is really interested and is going to ask me out, he asks me out, then we go out, etc… I’m kind of afraid to ever go back there because he turned out to be so weird.