The other night I dreamed about this guy I had a long, serious relationship with about 15 years ago. I was wondering why I could have dreamed about him the next day, when I thought about the fact that that day was his birthday, or at least this week. Did I mention that I have a really, really good memory?
Anyway, ever since then I have wanted to contact him, via email. I did some poking around online and found an address that looks current.
I do realize that doing it would fit into the category of Very Stupid Things. Very Stupid Things? That’s bwk’s department, it’s right down the hall…
But, I don’t want to see him or meet up with him, or call him. I just want to email him, and if he emails back, that would be cool. And if he doesn’t, well, that would be okay too. Just one of those ‘how’s it going with you’ type of emails.
The relationship was good – we had fun together, and we got really serious and were planning to get married – but the breakup was bad – near the end we found that we each had a set of problems that the other couldn’t handle, and we were pretty young. Too young to handle those sort of things. Many tears were shed.
But, for some reason, after this dream, I keep thinking about him and want to contact him. What’s wrong with me?!?!?
I don’t think it would hurt anything, but… I am trying to hold off until I can find some advice. Have you ever done anything like this? Was the outcome bad?
Sounds like a bad idea to me. What do you think you’ll get out of it? What are the possible outcomes? What if he ignores you? What if he’s moved on and you bring up painful memories? What if he’s in a relationship and you confuse him with old feelings?
Of course, it’s pretty hard for us uninvolved observers to know for sure.
I found my first ex husband two years ago online…we were married five years (1978-1983), and I had not heard from/about him since 1986. It was kinda cool, kinda sad, we had lost two children while we were married (1miscarriage,1premature birth), and, although I had gone on and had two healthy children, he, tho married for 8 years now, never did. We chatted online for a while, catching up with each other, and last July, we met in Las Vegas Nevada, where we attended the wedding of our best- friends-while we-were-married(s) daughter. It was wierd/fun/nostalgic/happy/sad…you name it, we ran the whole range of emotions. The saddest, yet most healing part of the reunion was when we took flowers to our daughters grave.
We had never been there together, and were able to grieve and talk about alot of things. I was very glad I went and was able to see him again (and meet his wife)
I dont know if we shall meet again as he lives in Washington DC, and I live in Washington State, but we keep in touch, and for us it was a good thing.
PS…on the other side of the coin, I once tried to get back together with my first love after a few years apart. Didnt work, I was looking for old memories and the first love magic we had, and it just wasnt there anymore. Sometimes, you cant go back.
Hope this helps…good luck.
I think it’s a great idea to write an e-mail. If you were a guy writing an ex-girlfriend an e-mail, you’d be called a stalker, but since your ex is a guy, you’re all clear.
I for one wouldn’t mind if an ex-gf wrote me an e-mail.
You know what, a month ago I would have told you to go for it. Then a few weeks ago I tried something similar. I went back to Ireland where I had studied years ago. I met a woman and we got along good. I tried to call when I went back, not a good idea. I only talked to her mother and while it went ok I knew she had told her mother to give me the brush off. I thought that we had an ok relationship and I wasn’t expecting anything just wanted to say hi etc.
My advice, keep the memories that you have and keep going with your life.
While I agree in principle, Realitychuck, that it isn’t stalking, I am also sure that a lot of people would call it stalking nonetheless, if it were a man trying to contact a woman.
To your OP, first impression, not a good idea. But then, it depends on a lot of details that I don’t know about you.
Do you have a family or a significant other?
Are you thinking about rekindling that fire?
Was the parting “mutual” or as mutual as it can be under the circumstances you described and within the realm of relationships (it’s rarely that mutual)?
If the first & second answers are “Yes,” then I’d inclined to leave the dream as is. If not, it may be OK to send off an email along the lines of “Hey, thought about you for some reason and wanted to say hi. It’s been a while, hope you’re doing well after all these years” and be prepared to leave it at that. I mean, it HAS been 15 years and if you haven’t had contact in the meanwhile, it’s hard to say that one out-pf-the-blue email constitutes stalking. I think of it as more old friends saying hi, but that’s just me.
FWIW, about 6 months ago, I had a brief dream about the last guy that I dated, before the SO became Mr. Peg-to-Be. The relationship with the guy was intense and the breakup extremely difficult; we haven’t talked in about 3 years. Sure, I thought about sending him a “how’s it going” email and know for certain that he wouldn’t think anything of it, but somewhat out of respect for Mr. PTB, I decided against it. It’s not worth the hassle.
If you’re unattached, and as far as you know he’s also unattached, then you should go ahead and get in touch with him. How else would you find out how he’s doing or what HE thinks of seeing YOU again?
On the other hand, if there’s any reason to anticipate pain and heartache from it, then don’t do it.
Wait two weeks or so. If you still think it’s a good idea, and you really aren’t looking for anything to Happen, then you can reconsider. I don’t think one email counts as stalking.
Thanks for all of the advice. I was kind of in a weird mood last night, because I had been going back and forth on deciding for a couple of days.
auntnut, I’m glad the two of you were able to maybe help heal one scar that came from your past together. I know it was an emotional time for you both.
The details with me are that I am in a relationship. And I know that he got married about 2 years after we broke up (I saw the photo in the local newspaper).
My relationship is not going exactly fantabulous at the moment, but I really don’t think that has much to do with me wanting to email. I didn’t think about it until after this dream. I don’t want to get back together with him… sheesh, you couldn’t drag me back down that road. I mean, I already know all the stuff that’s wrong with him, so there’s no thrill of discovery, even.
Stalker? Geez Louize, I don’t think so. Stalking would be trying to find his regular mailing address and phone numbers and sending him letters and notes and naked pictures and pizzas. I am so not there.
I’ve always been interested/nosy about what happened to my ex’s, even if we didn’t date for that long. It’s like you spent a lot of time with each other, and talked about all kinds of things you wanted for the future, and you just wonder whether any of that stuff came to pass or not.
My friend would ask me, when I wanted to be ‘nosy’ about an ex:
“What are you going to do with that information?”
Most of us do things with what we learn.
