Why is my ex still in my head?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m probably opening myself up for some attack here…that’s okay I can sort out which comments are constructive and which are not.

It’s been 6 months since my ex dumped me. I have moved out, been sad, got therapy, exercised, rebuilt my confidence, found a new kind of contentment as a single person I never had, lost 20 pounds, and have achieved all my goals I made for myself this year, including earning 90s in a calculus course and saving a decent chunk of cash (yay no debt!). This has been the first break-up I’ve ever gone through. Part of me still misses her, and would like to send her an e-mail wishing her well. We left on bad terms and I feel awful about it. Despite her having put me through some hellish stuff as well, part of me still thinks about her. I also feel like I better understand how to be a good partner in relationship, and I realize how I missed the ball in my first go-around.

I’m not going to do anything rash. But has anyone here ever thought it a good idea to recontact an ex? Should i just let this go? I don’t want to sabotage all the progess I have made. How do I get her out of my head. Will it take years?

Yes…I’m 30…even though I sound like I’m 21. :rolleyes: Thanks for being such a kind community and helping me out.

2

“But loving you is just an old habit
and old habits are sometimes hard to break”

Don’t mean to make it rub, bro. Go out and grab a stiff one.

3

Nevermind, unnecessarily (maybe) harsh.

4

First break-up is always the hardest. Sounds like you are doing fine, but best not reconnect - you could end up having to go through it all again, with the extra added bonus of feeling foolish. Move on, move up.

5

You need to spend more time in strip clubs.

6

Contacting her will just lodge her more firmly in your head. Don’t do it.

This is some standard, Dear Abby-style advice, but it’s nonetheless valid: keep busy. You’re in a good place in your life - now use that. Think about what you like to do for leisure and see if you can find a group focused on that activity. If you can cultivate a social group that doesn’t revolve around couples, it’ll be easier to stop thinking about your old relationship. That will help you be ready when you meet someone you might be interested in.

ETA: Or, you know, strip clubs. Come to think of it, the two approaches aren’t mutually exclusive.

7

You have good memories of her and your time together, right?
Keep them. Mental pictures that are nice to take out once in a while, but not something to build a life around.

Also, I have no real answer, because I can’t even explain why I keep dreaming about Seth McFarlane, and we never even dated! :dubious:

8

She was part of your life and you’re still alive. Her memory will never disappear completely.

9

Don’t do it.

These feeling probably aren’t really about her as an individual. They are mixed in with nostalgia about a lot of things, like having a partner, not being heartbroken, and feeling romantically stable. And you know as well as I that if you hope to have those things again, trying to bring her back into your life can only delay that process. If you actually want those things you miss, you’ll need to find it as part of a new adventure. She is not going to be the one to give you what you want. All you can hope to achieve with her is to delay finding the person who can be your partner.

During my last big breakup, what helped for me was to institute absolute discipline about those kinds of repetitive thoughts. I did this through a number of techniques. Sometimes, I’d shout a loud and concise mental “NO” whenever my mind wandered to the breakup. Sometimes I’d journal it out. Sometimes I’d set aside a time later in the day to think about him (at which point the impulse had usually passed.) Sometimes I’d do some guided meditation on self-compassion and healing.

What was important, though, was that I was consistent, immediate, and unwavering with my reaction. I knew that thinking about him was like an alcoholic drinking just one beer. Through experience, I learned that it could only lead to a downward spiral and was thus an indulgence I could not afford.

It only took a few weeks to break myself of the habit. There were still other things to cope with, but those compulsive thoughts can be trained out.

Have you been reading any breakup advice/dating books? A lot of them are pretty fluffy, but if you read a good selection, you can get a pretty good bucket of advice. I once plowed through about ten books, all from different perspectives and philosophies, and I left much more romantically grounded than I started. Don’t be too selective, just read a bit of everything and see what sticks. I found it very helpful (and, probably not entirely coincidentally, met my husband about a month after that whole exercise.)

10

I went through this when I was a little younger than you are now. It was all over these boards and a couple of others.

I lived. And pretty well.

Every once in a while, I get nostalgic. I miss the way I felt back then, the belief that I was loved and that everything was perfect.

But then I remember that I wasn’t, and it wasn’t, and what I miss was feeling that way, not the situation I was in.

And if you went back, even if you COULD, you wouldn’t have the feeling back, and you wouldn’t have what you want.

Let it go. Move on. 6 months is not a lot of time, and it gets easier. Trust me.

11

Given the countless times you’ve talked about your ex in threads since the breakup, an attempt to reconnect would most certainly be sabotage.

It’s normal to wonder about her. I still have dreams that I’m with my ex (together for seven years) and that was almost four years ago. It sounds like you still have some emotional ties to her, which is natural, but you’d be doing a great disservice to yourself to try to reconnect.

There are times where I find myself missing my ex. He played a huge part of who I am today. At the time of my breakup I had been in love with him for over a third of my life, even now it’s still a quarter. I acknowledge that he had a huge role in shaping who I am today.

-but, with that being said-

When you reminisce on the past, it’s easy to forget about all the problems that were around as well, the problems that lead to the breakup. If you remember the good, you also need to remember the bad and understand that this breakup didn’t just happen out of the blue and overnight. There was a reason for it. It’s just as important to remember the bad times as much as the good times (unfortunately) to remind yourself that you owe yourself something better than just to run your brain around thinking about the last relationship.

12

There’s no denying part of me misses her. I do apologize for the “countless” threads and posts that have mentioned her. Maybe the first time is the most difficult. It’s true I’m happier now than I was with her. I guess that should be enough to get her out of my head. I didn’t really want to give the impression I’m still suffering, because I’m not. It’s more like there’s just a ghost of her floating around in my mind and I can’t quite extinguish it.

13

You need to get laid buddy. Bad exes take about 3 to 4 new ones to forget properly.

14

Not necessarily. Just because it wasn’t a great relationship doesn’t mean you’re going to forget about her. Like others have said, a lot of it could be nostalgia for just being in a relationship.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Do NOT contact her. The best thing you can do is take the lessons you’ve learned from this relationship and apply to them to your next one.

15

Well, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be caught dead in this place. But they do have a good peach and lime daquiri.

16

Alas, the brain has no “Delete” key.
~VOW

17

my ex mistakenly (?) cc’d me on a mass email to her email list, about a virus that she just got, that was spamming those on her list. It was our first contact since the D in 2007.

I, too, missed the good times, despite the bad. She went back to her ex, despite her own restraining orders.

Over the years, despite missing her and the kids, I secretly hoped her life was miserable.

Well, I replied to her email, and we emailed a dozen times or so since.

Yes, her life is once again a living hell. Hard times on many fronts. Kids having it rough as well.

I felt bad reporting that, like you, I am doing better than ever, esp with $$$ (funny how that improves when the wives exit behind curtain #3 for broken promises).

I could take no more, and w/o notice, stopped emailing her.

I wish now that I had not contacted her. I am also more careful what I wish for.

I also ceased contact with her identical twin, sometime prior. We had become very close after the D. Too close, some have said.

Cherish the fond memories, and move on.

18

They’re also world famous for their crabs

19

I went into therapy following a traumatic breakup. I could not let go of the idea that guy & I would eventually get back together and make things work. The therapist asked me to pretend, just for a week, that the relationship was over permanently, and I agreed to do it. Amazingly, this really helped. I think I was obsessing, and my efforts to pretend interrupted the obsessive thoughts.

At some point, I switched to pretending that the guy is dead. He had medical problems, so it’s possible. And, at this point, not an unwelcome thought.

The pretend thing worked for me. You might give it a try.

20

Don’t feel bad. I was 52 before I had been dumped. Trust me, it doesn’t get easier with age. It sucks now and will suck for some time…but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your chin up and you’ll find the partner who adores you.