Contest: Invent snappy quote to sell your fellow Dopers something crappy

The fact that no one wants no-interest savings bonds, your collection of used vegetable cans or the mouldy stuff in the back of your fridge doesn’t mean you can’t sell them… to your fellow Dopers! Taking a cure from the informercials, the points of this thread is to mention a useless item and come up with a snappy quote to sell it. Some examples are given below, and your examples will be mildly appreciated, too.

No-interest savings bonds: “This highly predictable investment is guaranteed to simplify your tax preparation”

Collection of used cans: “You will be the talk of the town with this unique collection. A must for those who prize exquisite silver items.”

Thousands and thousands of chads: “Why purchase expensive decorations or spend hours making your own confetti for that special occasion? Our pretty chads are sold by weight and we cannot guarantee an exact count.”

Mouldy bread in the back of your fridge: “Why buy expensive penicilins and antibiotics when our patented process gives them to you in their natural state?”

Used Q-tips: “thousands of people have already enjoyed our fine products and wax enthusiastically about our bargain offers. You’ll cotton to them too!”

Mr. Boston Rum: “Because if it comes in a plastic bottle, it must be good.”

Windows 98: “Where did you want to go yesterday?”