…the skeptics who insisted that Hoffa had not disappeared until 1974, and wanted to know who this impostor was, who wasted Carmen Sandiego’s time with the toilet. “Hoffa” had no answer. Meanwhile, Yaakov Smirnoff and Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, recent repatriates, urged Ms. Dandiego to save her back by setting the toilet on a cart or, better still, having it shipped westward on the Trans-Siberian Railway which runs from Vladivostok to Moscow. Impressed by such a benevolent suggestion, Ms. Sandiego…
bought a ticket, followed by Hoffa and the hamster.
“I’m sorry”, said the ticket guy “hamsters have to ride in the baggage car.”
The hamster said, “OK, OK, so I’ll ride in the baggage car,” and went on his way. Ms. Sandiego bought her ticket and made a mental note to bawl out dougie_monty for referring to her as “Ms. Dandiego”! Messrs. Smirnoff, Solzhenitsyn, and “Hoffa” bought their tickets and went to a passenger car, followed by Lenin, Trotsky, Malenkov, Bulganin, and Khrushchev, who refused to explain their presence to the Teeming Millions. So the conductor…
punched their tickets, thankful that Lestor Mahknow was absent.
When the train pulled into the station in Moscow, the Soviet politicos went to that big People’s Republic in the sky; nobody ever saw where “Hoffa,” or the hamster, went. Ms. Sandiego presented her claim ticket for the toilet, which would be carted out to her presently. Meanwhile, she saw dougie_monty on the platform, and criticized him severely for entering “Ms. Dandiego” in the thread. He apologized, and suddenly embraced her and kissed her so hard smoke came out of her ears! She staggered a bit and sat on a bench. Mulling this over at considerable length, she decided the best way to deal with him for this was…
…to do a striptease, right on front of everyone!
things got soo hot that the snow melted off the roof of the car.
… as well as the nothern most reaches of Siberia and the resulting melted snow rushed towards the near nekked Sandiago and …
…drowned her.
When the aforementioned Mr. Baker heard the news, he was heartbroken, as Carmen was his very favorite sexy supervillain.
However, “Hoffa” was his second, and when news of Hoffa’s return reached his ears, he packed his bags and left Mrs. Baker knitting booties for their three-legged grandchildren as he set off to search for the returned Jimmy Hoffa…
meanwhile in a lonely part of the US:
“Faster baby…
yes…
oh jesus…
oh God…
Ride me baby
Ride me…”
could be heard from a lonely camper somewhere in the middle of a green field…
wish i was in that field.
anyway…little did these two lovers know that whilst they were making love in a field, a hamster was burrowing his way towards them…
…only to be nauseated beyond belief when his tunnel abruptly disappeared into a well under an abandoned outhouse. While he tossed his cookies, the lovers–Phoebe Atwood (I.Q. 210) and her paramour Chuck Salbert (I. Q. 199) reached climax, and both howled with ecstasy, loud enough to be heard…
by the giant carnivorous hamster, who was REALLY mad.
'cos he wasn’t getting any suddenly he bumped into a siberian hamster babe and kissed her passionately while his hand reached towards her big luscious…
…honeydew melons, which her kindhearted owner had provided for her in this hot weather.
Meanwhile, Phoebe and Chuck having had their fun, 200 married couples–some married 30 years or more–had been watching, with rapt attention, through binoculars and decided it was time for them to…
…start reading the complete works of Jean Paul Sartre.
The hamster couple, on the other hand, soon were entwined in a furry ball of passion. They kissed and groped and licked and fondled as though…
…they were in a Russ Meyer movie. 
Meanwhile, Sally Mears, who jumped out of the Soap Opera thread, sauntered along the beach collecting wolf-whistles, not hard for her to do: She’s 5’11", has a 47" bust that sticks straight out, and as for her swiveling hips, she could strap milk shakes to them, walk about a mile, and they’d be fully mixed. However, in a moment of serious reflection, Sally realized that, with all those surfer hunks present while she’s swiveling down the beach, she would be wise to carry her…
…Alka-Seltzer and…
100% pure bottled russian tap water.
Within five hours, Sally, suitably protected from the blistering California sun, walked from the Venice Pier to the one in Manhattan Beach, just after the end of the tennis tournament. She looked up when near LAX and saw the plane apparently carrying Al and Tipper Gore. Sally thought, “Hmmmm…would that be Air Force Two?” She giggled to herself about the pun and sat near the pier to cool her heels. She needen’t have worried about molesters, however; statuesque Sally scared away dozens of guys who had never seen such a majestic woman. As she sat there in the shade, finishing the last of her water, she saw out of the corner of her eye…