Convince me that you should be Earth's new Green Lantern

So I was walking down Cooper last night–minding my own business, not bothering anybody–when I stumbled into this little blue dude with white hair worn in a tonsure. Introducing himself as one of the immortal, extraterrestrial Guardians of the Universe, he presented me with a magic wishing ring which allows its wearer to fly, create energy constructs, project force fields, and generally kick ass.

The Guardian explained that, unlike the DCU Green Lanterns, those in this universe are allowed to choose whether they will reveal themselves to their native world or act covertly. (The costumes are also optional.) All of Earth’s previous GLs have been on the down-low, obviously. The previous GL (Paul Newman) having gone to that great studio in the sky, the Guardians planned to offer me the job, but after observing me for a few days, this particular Guardian decided that I’d be corrupted by power in about 22 minutes. As a consolation prize he said I choose the person to be awarded the ring. Who gets it will be responsible for defending Earth against alien invasions, capturing extraterrestrial fugitives on this planet, helping out in natural disasters, and so forth.

Tell me why I should put your name in the hat.

I write my name in my underwear, but if you want to write my name in your hat that’s okay, too.

It’s the only way I’ll ever manage to turn the teenage stepson into a responsible member of society.

I may need two rings.

My current job description involves protecting the weak and seeking justice against the guilty, so I have prior experience, albiet in an admittedly non-interstellar scale. In the interest of disclosure, I must warn that if fearlessness is a factor, I must decline, because fear I’ve got in spades; however, if garden variety bravery is a satisfactory subsitute for fearlessness, I’ll fight any motherfucker who wants to try it out, if you’ll pardon the expression. Also, although I look good in green, I would prefer to be left alone to my very happy life with my family and friends and don’t particularly want any kind of power ring at all, which I understand is a prerequisite for recieving any sort of power ring. Finally. I believe I have the necessary ambivalence towards superheroism that superheroes-to-be typically exhibit before superheroism is thrust upon them, so if you dont want to give me the ring, so what, stick it up your ass or something. References available upon request.

I very probably should NOT be the Earth’s new GL.

Because I have such a strong sense of Justice that I would be forced to intervene in far too many “internal affairs” of the various nations of the Earth. In short order I’d probably be considered the World’s Greatest Hero by a few, and the World’s Greatest Mass Murderer by too many others.

Unlike all those other Green Lanterns, I will respect the Guardians as the ultimate authority. By definition, they can and will do no wrong, and all they think of is wise.

(Judging from the recent happenings in the book, that should get 'em real good.)

Also, I have a long track record of no fear whatsoever and already spend my life in service to the community.

I should be GL because my first act would be to make Ann Coulter aphasic, give her radical facial reconstruction and put her in the middle of Switzerland. Just for giggles.

Then, I’d take a long, well deserved nap on a beach surrounded by beautiful women. Skald the Rhymer can join me. I’d occasionally take breaks from said napping and harassing of the beautiful women in order to save the world from this or that danger. All the while covertly slipping amazing technologies to peaceful countries and disabling aggressive countries militaries.

I’m stubborn ( willpower, which the rings work on ), imaginative ( useful with a device that creates objects as you envision them ), and not particularly inclined to mindlessly obey authority ( you probably wouldn’t want to give the ring to someone who’d use it to enforce their government’s desires indiscriminately ). Plus, I play City of Heroes; so I have years of “superhero simulator training”.

I’m willful, clever, imaginative, have good morals, and a strong sense of jusrice. Also, I’m not terribly fond of yellow, and can think of clever ways to circumvent both yellow and wooden obstacles. I will not be hurt by a #2 pencil.

I’m also clever enough to not let Robin or some other punk slip my ring off my finger (You’ve got world-class – heck, universe-class abilities! You can will the ring onto your finger so hard a supernova won’t take it off!)

I don’t think I look good in skin-tight spandex right now, but for those rare occasions when it’s necessary I can fix that, once I have the ring.

I’m retired and have plenty of free time to devote to saving the world and related GL duties.

The fact that I’d look terrible in skin-tight spandex might be an issue, but I’m sure I can work around that. Besides, I am working on losing weight. Honestly!

Skald, hand over my ring, man. It looks good with my hammer, gloves, and belt.

I’m not terribly fond of my current job. I need something that can get me out once in awhile and keep me active. Being the next GL would fit me just perfectly.

…plus I have cookies.

Throw my name in the proverbial hat. You could do a lot worse.

I’ve already got the hat. I bought it at Harrod’s. It’s says “Lion Tamer” on it, but I can change that, if necessary.

I think I’d better suited for the Red or Black Lanterns. I’m not fearless but I’m certain I could ‘deal’ with Star Sapphire. I’d be a magnitude less angsty than Rayner that’s for sure. Plus I could fix those damn Manhunters so they’re not going all rebellious all the time.

Give me the ring or face my wrath.

Stick with red. Being black would mean you are dead, and it wouldn’t really be you. Black ringbearers are closer to zombies than anything.

Well, it’s obvious: my name is “Hal” just like Hal Jordan, the greatest Green Lantern who ever lived. But, since I’m the “super” version, I can potentially be the greatest Green Lantern in alternate dimensions as well.

the greatest Green Lantern who ever lived

You misspelled Alan Scott.

I thought the Black Lanterns were trying to destroy hope (and everyone else) I’ll need to go read those again.

It would take at least 23 minutes to corrupt me. Therefore I’m a better choice than you are Skald.

GOsp31 is a Guest. How do we know he isn’t dead? :smiley: