Hi again everyone,
I keep hoping these feelings will pass, but I still have bouts of sadness from my separation. Please see my other threads for more information. It has been three months, and I still meet people I have to break the news to. It seems like it never ends. I was at a conference this weekend, with many colleagues and friends. About 80% of the time I was okay, but people kept asking me how things were going, and all I could think about was that I was a failure. I looked around and saw all the young people with their fiancees or husbands, and I felt so small.
I have started to see a therapist. I ordered a book dealing with divorce. In the meantime, does anyone have any strategies for dealing with this bouts of sadness. I had to remove myself from some of the sessions just to go for a walk, and even have a short cry. I know it sounds so sad and pathetic, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself publicly.
Thanks for your help.
Don’t beat yourself up. These things are hard, and it doesn’t reflect poorly on you that you are having a tough time of it. It’s not just the girl that you are mourning. You’ve lost a certain security, a vision of the future, and a part of your identity. Everyone goes through at least one broken heart, and your situation is completely normal.
When I went through it the first time, things were very hard for a long time, and it basically took moving away to feel better. The second time, I did a much better job of it. The Feeling Good Handbook was immeasurably helpful. I started keeping a journal, and really being disciplined with my repetitive thoughts. I did the thing where you keep a rubber band around your wrists, and whenever you have a repetitive thought snapping it with a loud mental “NO!”. I’d also “schedule” time to feel bad. If a repetitive thought hit me, I’d say “Okay, at seven o’clock tonight I’ll cry about this.” Of course, at seven I’d feel better. When I had a thought I couldn’t manage, I’d journal it out and usually it’d get fully processed and stop bugging me. The act of forming something into a narrative can be immensely helpful.
Finally, oddly enough I got a lot of comfort from reading up on the biological process of love and attachment. The things you are feeling our rooted in some very specific biology, and basically a lot of it is a wash of chemicals that’s supposed to make you procreate. In many ways, it’s helpful to know that it’s basically an illusion, albeit one that feels very real.
Good luck!
I’m still coping with some things including a relationship of seven years that ended 3 years ago! Mostly about the feelings of “What If”, regrets, and feelings of being a failure that have always loomed over me.
I know that I am far from a failure. I have a house over my head, not some knocked up druggie…going to graduate from grad school and hopefully get into a career that I’ll enjoy…but…At my age, it’s far from where I had planned to be when I was that bright-eyed eighteen year old, and that still-hopeful-eyed 22 year old undergrad graduate.
Last year when it got really bad, I visited a therapist at school. He taught me a lot of coping mechanisms that focused on living in the present, and not focusing so much on the past. Some techniques close to meditation techniques (although I could never seem to get down with the "sit in one pose and meditate thing) like focusing on your breathing, focusing on a specific item in a room like how the light plays off of the wall, or the texture of the carpet, or even your own heartbeat or feeling in your foot…focusing on something small like that and expanding until the feeling has passed. You’d be surprised how well this works.
He also recommended “The Happiness Trap” which I bought. I got a few chapters in but I really should continue reading it. It’s a great read that helps point out that it’s okay to be unhappy at times since it is an emotion; it’s considered normal or even expected to feel “good” all the time but that’s never the case when you think about it. But the book explains that it’s okay to feel bad up to a point, it’s when you start to beat yourself up that it’s time to try to take a subjective step out of your feelings and analyze them.
Even distancing myself from my thoughts by saying “I am having the feeling that I am overwhelmed…” instead of saying “I am overwhelmed…” is greatly helpful. The book has a lot of good tips and is pretty cheap on half.com. I highly recommend it.
It will get better. Maybe not today, or tomorrow…but, it will gradually become more tolerable.
I’m sorry you’re feeling sad and I hope that therapy can help. I honestly believe every single person could use a bit of therapy in life.
What struck me was that you said you felt like a failure. I think you need to remind yourself that being in a relationship isn’t a sign of being a success and being out of one isn’t a sign of being a failure. The relationship itself by succeed or fail, but you and your ex are not failures as people or successes as people based on that. You are a worthwhile person deserving of happiness whether or not you are attached to someone. Try to remind yourself of that whenever you start thinking you have failed.
Keep us posted, okay? If you need to vent, a PM is always welcome.
You are NOT a failure, so stop thinking that right now.
Unfortunately in these times there are many, many relationship break ups, its not your fault , its just something thats happened.
Just take each day, one at a time.
Don’t compare yourself with other people, they’ve probably got issues and problems between themselves that no one outside of themselves know about.
Time DOES heal, take my word on that.
And you might meet the new love of your life in six months, or six years.
But don’t try to rush it.
It’ll happen when it happens.
And I don’t want any “rebounding”.
O.K. ?
We’re all with you, you’re not alone.
Sending good thoughts your way.
My situation is different. My husband died around 8 months ago.
I still have my moments of sadness and will have them for a while. My perception of it is that I have an wound that people cannot see. Sometimes I tell them about it just so they are aware that I am hurting and hopefully give me the space to just be me at the moment. My coworkers and my boss are supportive of me and so are my friends. There have been times when I have excused myself to go cry in the bathroom during a meeting. There is nothing wrong with that. I feel like the more I sit in the pain and work through it, the better I am going to feel in the long run. What you are doing seems healthy to me and it does not sound sad or pathetic. It’s going to be rough, but it does get better.
I’d rather learn to ride the wave than hold my breath and close my eyes and just go through it.
Sending you warm thoughts and peace.
Some other thoughts:
My ex-used to say I never understood her when she was in grief over her late brother. It’s true…now I do understand because I am in grief. And sometimes that realization is bitter…like it’s poetic justice.
I had a very good night last night with friends. I do have some of the best friends a person could ask for. Also I’m not looking for anyone at the moment. I was for about the first six weeks after my break-up, but I soon realized that I was “rebounding” and I need some time to recover and find myself again.
My heart lifts a bit when I read everyone’s posts. Thank you so much.