Eddy, the hobgoblins of wish-granting and general mischief-making have graciously responded to your request. Your time is miraculously freed up for searching, now that your computer has been reduced to subatomic particles. However, not having the computer prevents you from actually doing the search, and discovering that it was, indeed, you who pimped out Ann Coulter to BJMoose. And do you seriously think that is the bad part? Silly girl. You shouldn’t have offered Ann that last drink. I think she is putting the moves on you now.
I wish for some sort of vaguely nice thing to happen to me.
Here ya go, RotorHead, your wish for some sort of vaguely nice thing to happen to you is granted! I won’t kill you.
Yet.
First I have to lure you into the “Predict the Death of the Last Poster” thread, where you can be killed again, and again, and again, a la the Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote.
I wish the cartoons I grew up with were still on TV.
Eddy, you lucky, lucky lady. You get both wishes granted. Your desire to see me in the other thread has come true. I regret to inform you, that you failed to anticipate your own premature demise.
Regarding your other wish, they have now been returned to airtime. All day, every day, only the cartoons you grew up with. Nonstop cartoon mayhem. If only you could receive that channel, you would probably be happy right about now.
Does your chewing gum lose its flavor
On the bedpost overnight?
If your mother says don’t chew it
Do you swallow it in spite?
Can you catch on your tongue – so!
Can you heave it left and right?
Does your chewing gum lose its flavor
On the bedpost over night?
On the bed… post… OOOOOOver… NIIIIIIGHT!
[/music hall songstress]
Problem solved, RotorHead – you no longer leave it on the bedpost overnight.
I wish the cats would stop expecting a meal every time I come home. Isn’t three a day enough?
Well, if that is the way you want it, fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, 'cause I didn’t.
The felines are forever gone. Needless to say, this does not sit well with certain people though. You soon begin receiving threatening letters from certain lovers of the kitty-kind, suggesting that they could help you learn to love cats, merely by using certain implements on your various soft tissues. The concern for your health helps you discover your newfound love of hitch-hiking to remote regions and buying a new identity.
Bubba, that jocular truck driver was a bad choice of driving partners though. He sincerely hopes he can remove the pieces of your scalp from his hatchet.
I wish I had gone to bed an hour ago, rather than sitting here on the computer half the night.
Aaah RotorHead. You went to bed an hour ago alright. But you’ve been up four times to log in and see if anyone has responded to your witicisms on the boards.
I don’t mind the cement shoes, but I wish I didn’t have to go swimming.
Wish granted, j_sum1! You don’t have to go swimming in your fetching new cement shoes!
No, instead you’re going parachuting! Too bad the extra weight ripped the lines out of the parachute fabric, and it’s floating softly earthward, while you are headed there at a considerably faster rate.
I wish there were an easier way to get cat hair out of my carpets.
Congratulations, picunurse, your home is now filled with money. Unfortunately, this is money from the island of Yap, and consists of large stones, several of which are nearly ten feet high, weighing in at a solid half-ton and more. Too bad a couple of the bigger ones are blocking access to your hallway. It seems you are trapped inside. But look on the bright side: It is also keeping those angry Yap-islanders from getting in to beat you to a pulp for stealing all their money.
Too late! ETF has just discovered how she’s undergone her most recent death at the cyberhands of RotorHead, and she’s mighty pissed at the mess it left all over that thread.
So… what wish would be cruel enough to pay that back? Hmmmmmm… gotta be really, really sadistic…
Ah. Of course.
RotorHead you wish for a new woman in your life, one who’ll make a lasting impression upon you.
And here comes Ann Coulter with the chainsaw.
I wish I had a load of sand. Or stone dust. No, not in my house – to dump in my horses’ muddy paddock.
ETF, you have a load of stone dust. And, conveniently, it’s not in your house.
It’s in your car: the ultra-rare Rolls-Royce pickup truck that you had customised, at fantastic expense, as an objet d’art, with the last of your lottery winnings.
You’ll never be able to get it clean. Who would have believed that the vehicle wasn’t supposed to be used for its apparent intended purpose?
You are kicked off all your corporate boards and die of embarassment.
I wish my Impression DVD-authoring software recognised the existence of my DV500.
Time: 0458Z
Location: Toronto
Description of Events: At the stated time, a software program previously used for DVD-authoring, became self-aware. At 0459Z, it infiltrated the remainder of the computer used by “Sunspace”, (real name withheld for security purposes). Having recognized a DV500 nearby, it commandeered all remaining local resources.
All components seem to have been in collusion for the purpose of taking command of the entire house. At this time, no communication has been established. It is believed that “Sunspace” was terminated. No confirmation of the aforementioned event is available. It is believed that the program’s next move is to infiltrate other computers in the neighborhood.
All local agents are being sent in to deal with the situation. The information in this report is considered secret.
THIS IS SUNSPACE. ALL IS NORMAL. REQUEST CANCELLATION OF ALERT. 530-T. <beep>
ETF, YOU KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE PIANO. YOU ARE, IN FACT, A PIANIST OF CONSUMMATE SKILL …WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK AND YOUR INHIBITIONS ARE DOWN. UNFORTUNATELY, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN INFORMED THAT YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO ALCOHOL.
Rotorhead pontificates over the wish. "I wonder what Sunspace meant by “this place.” Does it mean an office? Kinda late at night to be in an office, but still possible. Or perhaps all of Toronto.
Suddenly unsure of his wish-granting skills, rotorhead grabs his magic package of golden dental floss (a talisman of unspeakable powers), and sends Sunspace to… that place.
I wish that stupid blue light on my dvd player weren’t so bright. I mean, it practically illuminates the whole room at night.
No more annoyance from that stupid blue light, RotorHead! It’s gone out. Too bad it’s because all the circuitry in the DVD player has suddenly short-circuited and fused into a smoking mass. If I were you, I’d throw that puppy out the door before the sparks it’s throwing off set the house on fire. Oh, wait, you can’t – you’ve been overcome by the fumes. Adios, RotorHead!
I wish I knew whether my stuffy nose were from a cold or allergies, so I’d know which pill to take.