The law firm of Vim, Vigor & Getupandgo sues you for millions in a case just credible enough to keep you in court for years to come.
I want to invent a practical faster-than-light drive and help humanity reach the stars.
Unfortunately, FTL travel speeds up time. Humanity reaches the stars as skeletons.
I want “Weird Al” Yankovic to parody an OkGo song including a one-take video.
Weird Al is run so ragged by doing an incredibly demanding OK Go-style one-take video that he collapses and dies from a heart attack. Everyone blames you.
I wish for the power of mind control to make the world more to my liking.
Instantly you seize control of the minds of every coelacanth on earth. They regard your every whim as nothing less than a command. Their capacity to alter the world to your liking, however, proves to be slightly disappointing.
I wish every time I snapped my fingers a small order of McDonalds fries would appear.
The bad thing is supposed to happen to me, you monster.
You really like being hip-deep in herring.
I want a calendar.
One of those round multi-ton Aztec calendars roll right towards your house, leaving a perfect 3 foot wide gash in your home. As a side benefit it always crushes Cardigan’s magical fries on its merry travels.
I wish all thread ninja-ees who don’t bother editing their posts after they get pre-empted would get 1001 lashes from a wet noodle.
Done and done, although the wet noodles are gigantic and weigh three tons, smooshing everyone they lash. You are convicted of murder and packed off to Death Row.
I wish I could fly!
You can’t land. Umbrella sales in your area skyrocket.
i wish I could swim.
You can’t go back onto dry land, since you are now a merman.
I wish all computers in the world became fully self-aware…now.
You got it. And Skynet begins World War III in four… three… two…
I wish I could meet Ahnuld.
Great! Because you’ll be seeing him in court on Monday, defending yourself against stalker claims.
I wish it weren’t so hot and humid here…
You can’t open your door because a friendly glacier has taken up residence in your front yard. And your back yard.
I wish everyone was a Klingon.
Massive Tribble infestation worldwide.
I wish Linda McCartney was still alive and healthy.
The remaining two Beatles reform the band with Linda AND Yoko, singing in perfect harmony.
Not so much.
I wish that a new band came along which was as popular and genre-shattering as the Beatles were.
Bill Clinton, George W Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump have formed a singing group as popular and genre-shattering as the Beatles were. Just not as good.
I wish Hugh Jackman would star in Broadway’s Wolverine: The Musical.
He does, but tickets are even more expensive than for Hamilton, and there’s no way in the world you’ll ever get one.
I wish Annie-Xmas’s every (other) wish would come true.
When everyone gets a free Christmas present every day, we are soon drowning in wrapping paper and ribbons, and the economy then collapses for good measure as demand vanishes.
I wish the coffee addict in my life got his Christmas wish…
10,000 lbs of pure, pharmaceutical grade caffeine are being delivered right this moment. And a digital scale.
Unlimited chocolate products but only as much as I want at the moment.
You do indeed get only as much chocolate as you want at the moment, but that unlimited supply filling every nook and cranny of your house gets VERY messy when a heat wave hits and your A/C conks out.
I wish every dad who reads this to have a very happy Father’s Day.
They do-2,345,712 years from now.
I wish my father [late] understood me.