They genetically engineered all bacon to use Olestra instead of fat. It tastes the same. I’ll leave it at that.
I wish I could run a 50 mile ultramarathon in 5 hours.
You can. Everyone else in the world can now run it in under 3 hours. you’re famous world-wide as “The Slow One”.
I wish I could eat the Olestra bacon with no ill effects.
You can. Too bad the Olestra Bacon Cartel charges $1000 a slice.
I wish I had my very own cartel.
You have the bubble-gum cartel At first it’s great, you’re making money hand over fist. Then the report comes out that bubble-gum is carcinogenic to an extent never seen before. Overnight, the bubble bursts. 
I wish I had a $1000 for a slice of Olestra bacon.
Poof - you do! The nearly-omniscient Cartel notices, of course, so the price doubles before you can get to the supermarket.
I wish I could shop for free in any supermarket.
You can, it’s called the five finger discount. Guess what else happens.
I wish I had a kosher pig.
When I read this I thought you said
I wish that my new push lawnmower will make mowing the lawn SEXY.
You do. It’s 700 pounds, insanely carnivorous, bulletproof, and in your house.
I wish Rhombus had left us a wish . . .
Granted, but it’s such a bizarre and horrific desire, you go completely mad when you hear it.
I wish, I wish, I hadn’t killed that fish.
The fish is now alive and it’s so grateful it wants to be near you , all the time, night and day.
It wants to be your very best friend ever. And you’re allergic.
Now I want a fish dinner. Cooked.
2,000 pounds of delicately roasted sturgeon lands on your house and crushes all within.
I wish I had the power of perfect concentration.
ETA: Realized that whale is not, of course, a fish.
Aside: Should have been a Sperm Whale garnished with a bowl of petunias. 
You start concentrating on threading a needle and fail to notice anything else around you. Ever.
I wish I lived near an inactive quarry.
It’s been abandoned for so long that it has become haunted, the stones themselves becoming possessed, and the next morning they start stomping on your car, ultimately turning it into a cube.
I wish that the next person who steals a wish which has already been made has his/her armpits infested by the fleas of a 1,000 camels.
They do. And they become obsessed with hugging you, long and often.
I wish I had a magic purse, which would sipense as many $50 bills as I aksed it for at any time.
Too bad a few typos prevents it from working.
I wish I had a magic wallet.
sniped
POOF! Every time you go to pay for something, it magically disappears!
I wish I had nice, toned abs and no cellulite on my thighs.
::waits hopefully::
All your cellulite is now covering your nice, toned abs.
I wish there was a Dairy Queen here in town.
POOF! Aside from that pesky extra chromosome, you’ve got your Dairy Queen! She’s 6’5" and 240lbs, and likes ice cream just as much as you do! Too bad there are no ice cream parlors around…
I’d like it if Haagen Dasz built a nice big ice cream parlor right next to my house, and gave discounts to locals…