POOF! Too bad once you use it to turn anything on, it can’t be turned off. Think carefully before using your blender, food processor, automobile, adult toys, lawn mower, etc.
I wish I could organize myself better. Help!
You have the world’s worst case of OCD.
I wish I had a pancake.
Oooh, I just made some! It kinda fell on the floor, but 3-second rule, etc. Just lemme pull all the cat hair off, ok?
I wish I had no cellulite anywhere. Thanks!
Congratulations! You’re cellulite free! It was a bit tricky what with everything the cellulite was attached too, but you’re now a very comely skeleton, if I do say so myself.
I wish I wouldn’t get morning breath anymore.
You just stopped breathing.
I wish I had some new bookshelves.
You are surprised to find fine new bookshelves in your house. Your neighbor happens to look in the window, recognizes the bookshelves as her own, and calls the cops. You’re convicted of burglary and sentenced to 20 years in the big house.
I wish my iPod could hold twice as many songs.
No problem. I just cut each song in half.
Runner Pat, what does thee wish?
Considering all the years I’ve lived in a small house, 20 years in a big house ain’t that bad.
I wish I had a nice lawn.
You now have a nice lawn; a sentient lawn from a faraway planet that in fact likes you quite a lot, feels sympathy for your terrible condition of being born a disgusting mammal, and assimilates you into a fellow sentient patch of grass out of kindness.
I wish I was immortal.
Your soul is immortal and it will spend the rest of eternity in God’s presence. 
I wish I was the smartest person on the planet.
POOF! Bummer that you’ve traded that in for the ability to speak/read/write. Lonely at the top, fella!
I wish I were a billionaire. Yo!
You are crushed flat under a billion dollar bills.
I wish I could fly.
Poof, you’re a mosquito!
Watch out for that flyswatter…
I wish my boyfriend would propose.
He did! He and your best friend are now getting married in 3 months. Do you want to be the maid of honor? You did introduce them after all.
I wish I didn’t have to clean the kitchen after I cooked a nice meal.
The stove just caught fire. No more kitchen.
I wish I had a nice pair of wool socks.
Here’s a sheep! Some assembly required.
I wish I could always find my phone without having to call it.
Your dentist surreptitiously implants a phone into your mouth. You get lots of calls. Mostly from the FBI and space aliens.
I wish I had a car that never breaks down.
No problem. It won’t start.
I wish I had 10 Krugerrands.
Great, like the world needs need ten Objectivist authors with blades on her hands invading our dreams.
I wish I could figure out what’s going wrong with the jailbreaking of my Apple TV.