A hundred Apple lawyers will descend on your house to explain it to you at length.
I wish I could sing better.
You’re now a lovely soprano.
I wish I could read minds.
You’re reading all 7 billion at once.
I wish I had perfect eyesight.
Done! You can see everything within five miles of you, in every direction, even when you close your eyes or try to sleep. Your mind soon shuts down from overstimulation.
I wish I had a hot and delicious bacon cheeseburger sitting right here in front of me.
I’m already a lovely soprano!
Granted! It’s being eaten by your jailer, who is on the other side of the bars.
I wish I was 25 and thin again.
Nice to meet you, Leslie Carter.
I wish I had a copy of Action Comics #1.
No problem. It’s June 1938 and you’re 5 years old.
I want one each of every issue of Mad Magazine.
Done - they’re spread out around you in an impressively colorful array. Too bad you’re in the middle of a prairie during a driving rainstorm with no umbrella.
I wish everyone recognized my genius and sex appeal.
We already do, such as they are.
I wish Montreal winters were milder.
I and global warming are in a position to grant this one!
I wish that the perversion of this wish were funnier.
The Joker promises you it’ll be the greatest laugh you ever have. And, of course, the last.
I wish I didn’t have to go to work tomorrow.
Granted! You now miss out on paying $2 for your share of the office lottery syndicate, which goes on to win the multi-million dollar Jackpot.
I wish I was good enough at poker that I could play it professionally.
You have lost all facial mobility. How you’re going to eat and drink, I don’t know.
I wish I had a elm tree in the backyard.
You now have an elm tree in your backyard. It’s beautiful, and it’s enormous. Too bad about that big windstorm that’s gonna knock it down on your house next week.
I wish I hadn’t seen the worst movie I’ve ever seen, Liquid Sky, in college.
You never graduated high school and with your dead-end minimum wage job, you have no money for movies.
I wish I had a treeproof roof. 
Your new home in Antarctica comes with a lifetime guarantee that no trees will ever destroy the roof!
I wish my house would clean itself.
It throws out every single thing you own in its zealous cleaning effort, then strips the paint off the walls and the finish from the floor and keeps going until it disappears entirely.
I wish that everyone in the world had all the money they needed to live a decent middle-class life.
Middle class Masai, I’m on it.
I wish I lived in the most miserable place on earth. (Remember, you have to corrupt it.)
Every place you stop and settle down in is struck by blight and disaster. And everyone knows about your wish and is aware of the consequences if you stop in their town.
I wish the Patriots had won the Superbowl today.