I remember reading about him in the past, I think. Glad to see you’ve rid yourself of him, or are at least in the process.
Do not cosign, and watch your back. Maybe I’ve been watching too many MSNBC true crimes shows, but seems like lots of wife-killin’ goes on in this type of situation.
At any rate, enjoy your new life without that buttmunch! 
I’ve always wondered why people stick around when this kind of thing is taking place. Really, it makes no sense to me. It makes even less sense when other people praise the person who stuck around and tried to make it work.
Gail, I could be your husband. (Or should I say, your soon-to-be-ex-husband?) I’m on disability, and generally don’t think that I’ll ever be able to get off it.
And I’m going to tell you that, based on what you’ve shared here, you should let him sink or swim on his own.
IT IS NOT [SIZE=2] necessarilyWRONG FOR A PERSON TO BE SELFISH ENOUGH TO CHOOSE TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES, FIRST![/SIZE] Yes, he’s going to call you filthy names, he’s going to be hurt, and make it all your fault. He’ll blame you for everything that goes wrong for him from this point forward.
But that’s not the reality. If he’s not willing to change anything for you, you’ve got no more obligation to him, I don’t think.
Get out, and take your share of the equity in the house with you.
Run fast, run far.
Do not co-sign
Just in case you need to hear it from one more person: Be the strong one here. Oops, I meant to say “evil bitch.”
If your lawyer’s any good, this should be much easier for you than you might be anticipating. Also, according to this site, Nevada is a community property state, meaning each spouse is entitled to half of all property that was acquired during the marriage (not just the house). Either party can buy out the other’s interest and keep the house, which seems unlikely in your case, or the parties can sell the house and split the proceeds.
Just be sure your lawyer uses the phrase “community property state” at some point during the consultation. If he/she doesn’t (which I can’t imagine), bring it up.
Sorry if I’m telling you stuff you already know.
(Note: IANAL. Yet.)
This bit bears repeating. I’m going through a divorce also, and I’ve spent a lot of time telling myself this same thing. (I feel like I should cross-stitch it on a sampler!)
Anyway, he is not your responsibility anymore. He is not your problem anymore. Do not let him drag you down with him. You need to break free and start your life over without him. It’s hard, but it’s so very worth it.
Learn to say “no.” Love saying “no.” He decided the TV you’d watch, the food you would(n’t) make, the path your life would take. No longer.
In addition to what everyone has said (and re-affirming that nothing you have said puts you in the “evil bitch” category), I would suggest that you look into some self-esteem building exercises. You put up with much more than someone with normal self-esteem would have. A spouse is supposed to help you, and make your life better, not be an anchor dragging you down. Nobody needs to settle for someone who is content to be a lump on a couch, and once your lives are legally separate, you have no obligation to continue letting him drag you down.
Quick hijack: how in the world did you get that through your ex-wife’s head? I overheard a conversation a few months ago in which my husband told his ex (12 years after the split), “You’re not my responsibility anymore,” and she responded, “Oh, yes, I am! I always will be!” So what did you say to your ex to get her to stop trying to be your problem, or your responsibility?
Oh Good Lord, Gail!
The man has been using you and manipulating you and YOU feel guilty for anything you’re contemplating here???
GET OUT.
Divorce the worthless fucker, get whatever money you can out of the deal, and run away.
Get some therapy, although it seems that you might be already, and work on those issues of false guilt and false shame. Stop worrying about him, start worrying about YOU.
Don’t feed this man any sympathy or compassion, even though he’s going to ask for it, because it’s all a manipulative guilt trip to stop you from doing what you seriously need to do in order to take care of yourself.
Take it from someone who went through it. My ex-wife is a paranoid delusional sociopath, or as I call her a “Sympathy Vampire”.
IANAL, far from it, but I have spoken with one recently about property and marriage, and this is what he told me (this is NY, but possibly applicable): If you bought the house together and the deed is in both your names, you are entitled to half what the house sells for. If he bought it and your name is not on the deed, you are entitled to half the accumulated value of the house that accrued during your marriage. So if he sells it, you should get a good bit of the money, and you will likely get it in a divorce once your lawyers have at it. He really cannot prevent this, so he doesn’t have a leg to stand on asking you to help him, but you do have one to expect him to sell and give you up to half what he gets for it.
At this point, maybe the best thing to do is have your lawyer talk to his lawyer. Getting involved in long, painful conversations with him about this is only going to make you feel like crap about stuff you’re entitled to have and want from him via this divorce. You want LESS financial involvement with him, moving towards zero, not MORE. It’ll cost you in lawyers bills, but think what it will save you emotionally.
Skimming through the many replies (which I endorse as good advice)… I had an idea…
Do NOT co-sign the loan… instead he signs the house over to you, and pays rent. Then when you get tired of bounced cheques, or no cheques, you can bounce him out, and
a) Move in your self
b) Rent it to legitamate tennants
c) sell it…
Sincerely, I wish you the best, and hope that you continue on your growth!
Regards
FML
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!
Seriously, you owe this man NOTHING.
Is his name on the loan too? Can you even sell the house without his consent?
By the way, add me to the list of people saying “you don’t owe him anything, and do your best to see him as little as realistically possible”.
Congrats on the weight loss, too. 50 pounds is pretty impressive, especially if you’re old enough to have been married 19 years. How you doin’?
Sounds like he’s taken advantage of you every possible way he could think of, just because he could.
Your OP says you are a much stronger person than that, you know you have much more value as a person than he has ever appreciated and you also know deep down that you owe him absolutely nothing.
As everyone else has said, don’t co-sign for him. It’s time he acted like an adult instead of a spoilt kid, and stood on his own two feet. If anything, he’s the one who owes you big time for the amount of crap he’s made you put up with.
Go on, show him what you’re made of!
Stop with the “evil bitch” label. The mere idea that you’re considering his welfare in making your decision makes you not evil and not a bitch. Start taking care of yourself with better self talk. Even spoken in jest those words have a way of taking hold.
You are not an evil bitch. You are a strong woman who’s been masquerading as a doormat. You’ve just finally decided to take off the doormat persona and be the person you really are inside.
Get a lawyer, don’t co-sign on anything. Be strong. Get help wherever you can.
It sounds like you’re finally headed in the right direction. Good luck. Take care of yourself and please check back and let us know how you’re doing.
I vote against evil bitch.
Now hear me out. Definitely don’t co sign anything. Oh yeah, and stop seeing things in black and white. Not co signing for a guy that doesn’t work isn’t evil or bitchy - it’s smart.
I understand how you’ll feel bad if your actions effectively put him out of his house. But his choices have put him in this spot not yours. You cannot help someone by doing for them what they should or could do for themselves! Please don’t let him use the patheticness of his life to intimidate you from making smart choices for yourself.
Consider, once the house is sold and profits divided, offering to help him find appropriate and affordable housing arrangements. His anger and frustration over not intimidating you into following his wishes may well prevent him from taking you up on your offer. That’s not your baggage. Make the offer in good faith. Express your compassion for his life circumstance by having researched alternative housing choices for him to consider when he tries to lay the guilt trip on you for ‘putting him out of his house.’.
Oh, and we’re all pulling for you here - Good Luck!
Do NOT do this. I have no other advice (just sympathy), but absolutely do not do this.
I have to disagree with this part. My mom is a Gail who divorced a manipulative husband. I love my dad, but there’s no doubt that he made her feel guilty about things she shouldn’t have felt guilty about. He manipulated her out of her proper settlement in their divorce, by preying on her insecurities and her guilt feelings. Once you’re loose from your husband, stay that way. Do not offer to help him; that just keeps him in your life, and what you want is for him to be out of it. My parents are still connected, and he’s still manipulating her and she’s still upsetting him. I wish sometimes that they’d just stop talking to each other.
You don’t owe him anything. It seems to me that you’ve gone out of your way to be fair to him, when he really doesn’t deserve it. Do what’s right, and then get very far away from him.
I’ve been where you are and I agree with everyone here except Elbows. (Sorry** Elbows**)
You stated in your OP that selling the house and splitting the profits would be a hardship on him and that you “don’t want to be the cause of that.”
You won’t be. He is the cause of any hardships in his life. It sounds like you tried your best to be a good wife and friend to this man and all he did was take advantage of you. You got on the right track by doing positive things for yourself like getting in shape, doing yoga, and making attitude changes. Now you’re ready fo the big one which is to unload an unneccesary burden.
For Og’s sake
**Don’t take two steps back by giving in to this man one last time!!! **
When will it end? Really? Believe me, me ex tried to pull this shite with me. I gave in at first, then the requests for help or money or whatever just kept rolling in. I put a stop to it. Of course he whined, threw a tantrum, called me names, tried to act sweet, tried to lay guilt on me, threatened suicide, and every other manipulative tactic in the book. But finally for the first time, I wouldn’t budge. Guess what? He survived, he managed to get by after all and I slept like a baby at night and my credit got rebuilt.
You owe him nothing. Being assertive and doing what’s best for you is not being evil or bitchy (I realize everyone here was using the terminology tongue in cheek but I’m just sayin’). You can still be a decent human to him without cowtowing to his childish whining.
Good luck and keep us posted if you will.