Thanks, everyone, I truly appreciate your advice and concern and pep talks. And I do know that what you’re saying not only “makes sense” but “is so.” I truly do grok that.
And what I realized while I was away from the computer was – obviously I don’t really want to get back with him, because if I thought there were any kind of chance whatsoever of that actually happening, I wouldn’t have discussed our sex life here (however circumspectly I might have done so – G-rated for these Boards, I realize, but way more than I usually say) – because it’s a move that I know would totally piss him off – a reaction I would completely understand.
Yes, that was a single sentence – go ahead and read it again if you need to.
Again – thanks for your support – this is yet another example for me of why I love the Dope. sniff
It sounds like you’ve figured out what to do, but wait a minute.
What’s wrong with meeting him for coffee? Can you just be friends? There must have been more to him than the potential for sex, or he wouldn’t have been TMOYD.
Couple things could happen.
(1) You have another friend.
(2) You spend time together, he realizes what he’s missing, decides “what the hell, I only live once”, and talks to his doc about ED assistance.
(3) You get to know him well enough to realize he’s not TMOYD, with or without, and you can close the book on the relationship for good.
It might well be that he’s tried Viagara and Levitra and all that stuff, and it didn’t work. Rather than admit that to you, he says he won’t try it.
If he had a healthy sex life before his HBP and his heart attack, it’s pretty likely that he didn’t give up without even trying, especially after he met you.
And in fact, former suitors who didn’t work out as lovers are a very fruitful source of friends for me – most of the people I hang out with regularly are members of this band. (Which, BTW, was the other thing beside the Dope that he really didn’t entirely get about my life. Ahem.)
Whether I can add him to that number, I don’t know – it may turn out to be just too painful to see him in person – but I think I’m ready to finally close the book on that experience.
I dunno. I’m seeing a whole bunch of different things going on here – I just wrote a long and rather incoherent email to a friend about this – but since it ain’t LJ I won’t get into it.
Again – thanks, all, for your words of wisdom and for your support. It’s been an enormous help reading what y’all have said.
Well, good luck. I hope it doesn’t turn out to be too awkward or painful to see him again. Personally, I also like to try to keep failed romances as friends. I don’t believe in burning bridges unless something truly horrible and malicious happens…although there are definitely times when you need to keep a little distance to avoid letting feelings get out of hand.
Seriously. Good advice here. Since you’re seeing him, go in with shields up and phasers on stun. Don’t be afraid to get up and walk away mid-sentence if things get too uncomfortable.
Hey twickster, have you thought about going into it with your mind set positively on ‘friendship’. Relationshipsexhistoryadayadayada…yeah, I can be his friend. If you set a boundary, would both of you respect it?
Quite a few of my good female friends came after a revelation that we can be close and even affectionate, but platonic. Some have been friendships after sex, some after a kiss, some after a hug and most from before my marriage. Those friends helped define the relationship I wanted to be in…just not with them.
This could be the guy you have coffee with on Sunday mornings while your partner sleeps-in back home.
Just sayin that old friendships don’t get that way if you don’t even start.
No special prep – took a shower (which I hadn’t had time to do this morning before my weekly coffee date with a guy who didn’t work out as a lover but who’s an excellent friend), put on the usual underwear (alas, I don’t own any seductive underwear), decided to wear the jeans that are a wee tad too snug rather than the ones that are acres too big, plus a t-shirt and sneakers. Totally normal Saturday wear, but with clean hair.
We met at a Borders about halfway between us – I got there a few minutes early, but he was already there. I greeted him with a kiss on the cheek and went to get myself some coffee.
We talked for about an hour and a half – mostly about my new job (which was my stated reason for getting in touch with him yesterday), his current situation (he’s semi-retired and bored out of his mind, but has a lead on a consulting gig that would be really interetesting), headlines from elsewhere in our respective lives (my sister is doing well and my best friend has a contract for a book; his DIL is pregnant, which he doesn’t think is a great development, and his friend John is back with his alcoholic wife); and some general … stuff. He asked if I thought I was in a place where we could kind of communicate occasionally, and I said I thought so but I’d let him know if it wasn’t working for me. I told him one more time I couldn’t believe someone as smart as he could be such a fuckin’ idiot – he said, one more time, sometimes it’s not about being stupid, it’s about being unable to get out of your own damn way.
We parted with a hug – I went into the john, he went to put back the books he’d been looking at, he drove by me as I walked to my car and we waved and smiled.
I have absolutely no idea what I think/how I feel about any of this.
Sorry, I can’t help you, I’m already busy smacking a friend on the head about essentially the same issue.
Well, actually I don’t anymore. I told her this afternoon that I didn’t want to hear about this anymore. If she wants to be burnt twice, more power to her.
Sorry for my negativity, but my experiences tells me that in all likehood, you’re going to say “yes”, regardless of the advices given here (I didn’t read them yet, but I can easily guess what they will be).
Good luck.
Is there a special name for doing the same thing over and over and expecting the outcome to be different? What do they call that? Oh, yeah. Crazy, that’s what they call that.
You need to throw this one back, and move on. Hunt a bit higher up the food chain, huh? Investigate the realm of men who have what you need, rather than the men who need what you have. That’s the ticket.
You have charm, talent, sense, and an incredible sense of humor. You also have loyalty. This guy has needs that you fulfill. That is a match made in . . . well, not heaven, that’s for sure.
A woman who makes no sexual demands on a man in his sixties is attractive to a man in his sixties who doesn’t want to deal with sexual interactions. If he wants to be celibate, that’s one thing. But if he wants you to be celibate, you need to decide that for yourself.
Your relationship with him ended. He is unable/unwilling to take any steps to allow it to be a more complete relationship. He is commitment (at 62??) shy.
Most guys by about the time they are 30 figure out that women prefer relationships to one night stands. This guy is a little past his due date.
Even if you are “friends” with him, he probably carries a torch for you in the “I could have been the one if I didn’t have this little problem with my ability to perform” which means any man you bring into your life, I would bet a paycheck, he would be jealous of, attempt to subvert or, even worse, try to prove how much better a man that he is without a usable penis is than THAT guy.
Even if you are “friends” as long as he is around, even if he doesn’t, you will compare him to the MOTM (man of the moment) and since this guy doesn’t have to do diddly to be considered the MOYD, you won’t give a new relationship the courtesy of a kiss.
Let’s quote When Harry Met Sally, since it’s a very true statement. When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start right now. You contacted him, he may have been “thinking about you” but HE did not act on it, you did. You may be able to speculate in that thread.
Honestly, Twickster. The man of your dreams will do anything to keep you. Go to a doctor, try alternatives, be willing to commit, that’s really not setting the bar too high. This is not a gen x slacker dude, he’s a full-fledged grown up. Why on earth would you set your standards lower than an unattractive 13 year old? Is that really the best you think you deserve? If this thread should show you anything, it’s that there are a ton of folks on this board, who mostly don’t know you from Adam, but think you deserve a damn sight more than that. Why don’t you?
You took the initiative, he didn’t. That should tell you something. Write it off as a lesson learned and move on with your fabulous life. Please.
