Yeah, Blackberry. It was definitely a not-impossible thing to do before breakfast.
A manipulative liar is a manipulative liar no matter what the reason. I personally could not stay friends with someone like that.
I’d forgive him, but I wouldn’t be his friend anymore. I can’t have a relationship without trust.
Let’s put it this way: if a friend of mine needed me for something serious - serious like cancer - I’d drop everything and go right away. I’d do anything for him. But a friend like the one in the OP, I wouldn’t go to. He might be messing with me again.
I would forgive him, and remember him as a very sick man (both mentally and physically), but I wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore, no matter how close we had been, honestly.
…
I’d disown you as a friend for even suggesting I should stop my car and get out to ‘help’ an animal that we hit with a machine built by humans, driven by humans on roads made by humans, which happened to be being crossed by a domesticated animal most likely bought, paid for and owned by a human.
See a pattern here?
Chiro, all you need to determine is whether his alcoholism is the direct influence on his attempt to fool everyone. If it is, then you can justify his weird actions due to his shame - and by extension his unwillingness to talk about it, as also shame.
Do not expect him to apologize.
If it seems he did it all for the attention, then talk to him less and less. See how much of an effort he makes to stay in touch with you.
If he’s looking to victimize other people, then he’ll get bored of you and move on.
Things like that tend to work themselves out.
Ah, there was no ‘we’ in the car cat-hitting story, Saraya.
And no, I don’t see what you’re getting at.
I’d kick someone to the curb for waaaaaaaaay less than faking cancer.
I’d cut ties immediately. It’s not about “forgiveness” per se - forgiveness is for the one who forgives, not the one who receives it. Forgive him 'til the cows come home, but if you keep hanging out with him you’re a special kind of dumb.
I hate “this”, but THIS!
I have low tolerance for regular bullshit. Lying about having cancer for 18 months and not even having the balls to apologize is just too much for me. It would be such a betrayal of trust that I would feel like I didn’t really know the person. They’d be a stranger to me. And I don’t really feel a whole lot for strangers, though I wouldn’t wish him ill-will. So I guess I could forgive, but not forget.
I don’t either.
There would be Hell to pay if someone I was with hit an animal and didn’t stop to help it. Fortunately, I don’t think I know anyone like that.
“We’re done”
There’s no such thing as “with AA but not working the program.” If he’s not following the steps – which, as Little Nemo points out, includes acknowledging the wrongs you have done to people and making amends for those wrongs – he’s not doing AA.
He may not be drinking, but he’s not in recovery.
You don’t need anyone’s permission to end the friendship. What does your gut tell you? Is he really your friend?
There are two types of people in this world. One says, “this person has major problems and I should be their friend and help them along in the world because I feel bad for them” and the other says, “this person has major problems and I should stay the fuck away from them because people like that are bad news and I don’t need that in my life”. I think it’s okay to be either type of person.
This is a spectacular example of faulty logic.
If you don’t stay friends, how are you going to be able to constantly remind him of what an egregious piece of shit he is and of your moral superiority? Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face, here.
@chiroptera, I believe your friends was/is suffering from some severe psychological/psychiatric issues. He needs your help, not your condemnation, IMHO.
If I felt that an illness had caused his faking of another illness I might be able to retain a friendship if all the problems were addressed in a reasonable way. But it would be a strained relationship. I’d say probably no, depending on certain things. And even if there was some continuing friendship, it wouldn’t be much of a friendship because I’d never be able to trust the person again.
No, I wouldn’t remain friends. Such a massive betrayal, dragging you along on an emotional rollercoaster and then followed by ‘oops, my bad’. I don’t like having my chain yanked and this was a giant chain yank. How could I ever believe anything from that person again, or invest any kind of genuine emotion, there would always be that small voice asking if it’s really true, or just another fake problem.
Grieve for the friendship that might have been, could have been, should have been and move on.
Then the friend needs to ask for help honestly, own up to his mistakes, and show that he is still deserving of friendship.
Just being sick does not make a person deserving of either friendship or help.
Personally, I would not someone to be my friend just because they feel sorry for me. I would want someone to be my friend because they like me and because I help them somehow.
Exactly, monstro. Friendships have to be based on genuine liking and trust, not just sympathy. I would not be able to return to trusting someone who faked cancer.