The fact that he refuses to apologize and changes the subject when chiroptera brings it up negates all that IMO. He may of been embarrased to admit he had a drinking problem and came up with the pancreatic cancer as a cover up . Even though he could of came up with some other less fatal lie, he chose not too. Or he could of been honest.
I couldn’t be friends with someone who used cancer as a lie, I’ve lost friends and family members to cancer. It sucks to go through. I’d tell him listen, because of what you did I’ll still talk to you and be friendly when I see you. But beyond that our close friendship has changed and I can no longer be close friends. You’ve broken my trust and took advantage of me. Hope you beat your alcoholism and have a nice life.
How could you hang out with him anyways ? If he lies about something a serious as this. I’d be thinking everything coming out his mouth could be a lie.
Also chiroptera has anyone given him money to help with treatment for his ‘cancer’ ?
Forgive and forget. Forgive the act and forget the friendship. I think I am only echoing most of the other posts when I say that trust is a large element of friendship and I could never trust such a person. I have ever avoided manipulative personalities.
Probably not.
I had a friend lie and say his mother had cancer so I would lend him some money so he could go home to see her.
His mother didn’t have cancer and that’s not why he went home.
I’m still civil and friendly with him when I see him, but I’m not interested in being friends.
No, he is not a drama queen at all. He is a very low-key, highly intelligent, kind person. But his social skills are…lacking, weird, just “off.” Some of us (mutual friends) think he may be on the very high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, actually. I believe he is sincerely unaware of how his behaviour affects others, and is probably incapable of articulating why he would do such a thing.
Nobody, to my knowledge, ever gave him money, and he never solicited funds. He’s quite well-off, has an excellent job and very adequate personal resources.
That’s probably why I’ve dithered so much for so long…I’m really not sure he is capable of understanding the consequences of his behaviour. He is a NICE person, just clueless. On the other hand, I’m really over being the primary emotional outlet for a socially-dysfunctional man. I’ve sort of gotten to the point where I want him to get involved with a woman (or man, or whatever) who meets his emotional and social needs and WANTS to.
Because I don’t, any more. I want him to be happy, just not in my emotional/social sphere.
Guess I just answered my own question. Up next: A Difficult Phone Call.
A kinsman of mine claimed to have cancer. Lost his fiancee, estranged his family. A lot of folks supported him with time and money and effort. Those who did so have mostly forgiven him (they realized holding a grudge was more damaging to themselves than to him,) but have not forgotten it.
Bolding mine. I think ending the friendship is a totally reasonable thing to do. You said he has siblings and kids, unfortunately for them they are his emotional support system of last resort, not you. But for the sake of all the people who will know and love him in the future, I strongly urge you to tell him everything you’ve told us, perhaps even send him an edited version of your OP. I suspect he knows his behavior was reprehensible, but having it spelled out in front of him might allow him to more fully grasp how much he hurt those around him.
One of the problems I have with attitudes towards alcoholism in AA is the mantra that “It’s a disease. I need a higher power to solve it for me.” Some people seem to think that absolves them of some responsibility for their actions. An acquaintance of mine realized his drinking was a little out of control when he got a DUI, but he never really owned the fact that it was HIM that got himself in trouble, not the booze. “Yeah dude, we all drink a little too much. But we all walked home that night, you decided for some unfathomable reason to take your car.” LOTS of people grapple with serious, potentially life-destroying drinking problems. But most of them do it without faking pancreatic cancer.
There’s a big difference between someone having a cancer scare and someone creating one. I’d be completely sympathetic and hugely relieved if a friend who actually believed he had cancer turned out not to have it, regardless of how much I’d been through with him because of it. That’s nothing like having a friend essentially scam you. Hey, and I’m glad to know you didn’t have cancer after all!
I don’t believe that a someone’s reaction necessarily defines the type of person he is. I’ve got friends with major problems, and I’ll stand by them even when it makes life harder for me. But I’ve lived long enough to realize that when a friend’s problem is that he’s probably a sociopath, he needs a different kind of help than I can provide, and standing by him will mean hurting myself to no good end.
Yeah, ya kinda lost me with the “highly intelligent” and “kind” part, and hooked me right back in with “clueless.”
It’s very incongruent for someone you describe in the former terms to pull the stunt he did. His emotional and social needs must actually be very LOW; maybe it’s your projection that’s creating the ‘need’ that you say he has for your friendship.
As for the ‘difficult phone call’ - why even make one? As far as I’m aware, you just don’t call. Which makes it the simplest difficult phone call ever.
I’ve never had a situation in which a relationship turned into such a hoax of this level, but I have been confronted with lies and manipulation before.
I always thought about it like this: do I have a good reason to remain friends on some level with this person? Could be “yes” just because hanging out with them is really fun, could be “yes” because not being friends is too complicated within the group of friends. In that case, we stay friends but I am wary and just take everything they say with a grain of salt. Which is fine, just a different type of friendship.
There have also been some lies that I have entirely forgiven because I can really understand. Sometimes I can just think: well, we’re friends, and if you felt you needed to tell me that then I guess that’s fine.
I guess in this situation I might make one final attempt to get through to him, while also making it clear that the friendship will not remain as it was. But hanging out along with some other friends? Why not? As long as it’s more fun than not hanging out… If it were to make your life miserable to never speak again then you obviously have no duty to cut him out.
I am one of alice the goon’s “this person has major problems and I should be their friend and help them along in the world because I feel bad for them” types, which my be the impetus for my (as you correctly point out) my projection about his need for friendship.
I do feel like a phone call would be fair though - after all, I’ve known the guy since 2005.
Truth be told, any mutual friends are really friends of mine, not his - he only gets included in invites because of me - he tags along. Everyone thinks he’s pleasant enough, but a little wierd. He doesn’t have much of a social life outside of work.
In the last couple of years our contact has pretty much dwindled to the occasional movie or live concert. The last time we went to dinner after a movie it felt very strained.
I don’t feel a “duty to cut him” out of my life, for retribution or anything like that. I think the friendship has run its course, though.
My take on yours and (apparently) alice the goon’s credo is more, “this person is my friend who is temporarily having major problems (that I will help them with)” rather than “this major problem can be my temporary friend (until they drive me fucking insane or I realise I can’t fix them)”.
I don’t quite understand the need for the phone call. I mean, waddya say? “Hi! Just calling to tell you I won’t be calling anymore!” Wanting to have the whole I-can’t-be-friends-with-you-anymore conversation seems a bit dramatic.
What do you need to explain to someone who doesn’t seem to get that pretending to be dying is not the way to win friends and influence people?
Yep, that (in bold) exactly. I don’t see the point in a drawn-out discussion either.
But I do think that it’s fair to end a seven-year-long relationship with something more than simply blowing him off by refusing to answer texts or phone calls.
is part of the anger because you had to disappoint other people (" Sorry, I can’t do that for you, I’ve got to help this friend with cancer") and you feel you have to make a stand for them?
If he has a pattern of this kind of thing,(the clinical term for waht he did is a Factitious disorder) it could be pathetic lying or Munchhausen. neither of those go away without treatment, and treatment for alcoholism will be no cure. So the prospects for your friend and those around him are bleak.
You could always put the friendship on ice, then after a few years see if you missed him and if he’s got his stuff together again.
Yeah he both called and texted me on Saturday wanting to know if I was going to his company’s Christmas party this coming Friday, and I’ve yet to get back to him.
I think most people are being overly harsh here.*
The guy may not be at a level where he can give a full disclosure/mea culpa for what he did. Chiroptera, you went to him and confronted him. He said “I was a jerk.” WTH do you want? If you pulled some stupid stunt because you were a rummy, what would you do? It’s all well and good to give a lecture on what others should do, but when you do a remarkable web of deception because you are sick/evil/drunk, a spill-your-guts confession-upon-demand may not be something that somebody coming out of this haze is quite ready to do.
Also, the guy went to a company party and was treated like a leper. In front of his family.
Do you think he needs lectures on how to conform to AA’s standards?
I think that the ‘taking responsibility’ thing, or at least everybody’s interpretation of it, is some artificial parameter that this guy is being subjected to, and it isn’t helping a bit. Put yourself in his shoes.
That being said, I don’t think you have to sever your friendship. Obviously, he has pulled a world-class boner, but, not a deal-breaker, IMHO. You wouldn’t believe some of the psycho tricks that my aunt pulled when she was addicted to drugs, and we survived that.
I see that you are ignoring his texts and calls. I would think it would be a good thing if you hurry up and make a decision.
*I will have to exclude Scumpup from this statement, however. I think we can all learn from him!
