handsomeharry: I see what you are saying but in this particular case, the lying about cancer thing happened between January and April 2010 - it’s not like I dropped him like a hot potato the minute I found out he’d mounted this massive and elaborate charade. In fact I, and a few other people, have made an effort to be supportive and include him in social stuff.
But the fact of the matter is, ever since he got better, I’ve found my interest waning in maintaining a relationship, even a superficial one.
And his “I was a jerk” comment was the ONLY thing he has EVER uttered about the whole affair. No, I don’t want or expect him to wail and rend his garments in shame - on the contrary, I am extremely, sincerely happy that he seems to be maintaining his sobriety and has regained his health - he was literally on the brink of death when admitted to hospital.
But - I think what this is finally coming to a head, now that he has recovered - is that not once, not ever, has he expressed one single word (to anyone that I know of, not just me) of either thanks for sticking with him through a difficult time, or sorry for being a jerk and stressing people out.
“I was a jerk” doesn’t cut it. Seriously. Not after the lack of trust he showed to a close friend (that he might assume that I, or several other mutual friends, would have actually ostracized him for admitting he had a serious drinking problem? That right there is seriously insulting to the relationship and demonstrates a cluelessness beyond belief.)
“I’m sorry for being a jerk” would have been much closer to the mark.
And mainly the realisation that his social and relational oddness is, frankly, not something I want in my life any more. He is doing very well, health-wise. He still has his career, a nice home in a very high-end suburb, platinum health insurance, company trips on the private jet I (really)…he doesn’t need me. And since part of my/our relationship with him has been based for some time on…well…maybe not pity exactly, but a sense of trying to be charitable and nice to someone who a: had poor social skills and b: was not well on some level, is now redundant.
I have had - and still have - some very good friends who have done very bad things. In fact I have done very bad things; a couple of times to very good friends. Owning your very bad things is huge in my book, I guess. I can get past bad things if you take responsibility. If not? Then, no. Apparently.
Essured: Correct. I do not think of him as a friend any more, and the trust thing is a big part of it.
Weedy: OK, confession, I wussed out. I sent a text instead of a phone call. Basically that I was sorry about blowing him off about the party, but I feel it’s time for everyone to move on and let dead friendships go, and I hope he continues to remain sober and healthy.
That was it and I haven’t heard back. I feel a sense of loss over the end of a fairly long friendship, but putting it out here has helped crystallize how I was feeling because I was feeling unsure about that.