Couldn't come up with a descriptive thread title, sorry (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ok, here is my story. I’m wondering if anybody can explain why this is a big deal. First a little background. I am engaged to a wonderful girl who just turned 18. I just turned 21. We have been engaged since March 23 of this year, and have been dating since the summer of 2001. We plan on getting married after I am done with college in a year and a half. She is going to Seattle for her first semester of college next week.

Ok, now that you have a little background, here is the story. We wanted to do something for New Year’s Eve, but hadn’t really made any plans. She also had to ask her parents permission. That’s all well and good, because she is still living in her parents house. She had some dental work done on Monday, so hasn’t gotten around to asking her parents. So today, I called her on the way back from lunch. By the way, she lives about an hour from my parents house. So, I called her at home because I knew she didn’t have to work. Her brother answered the phone and said that she was at lunch and he would have her call when she got home. Her mom got on and told me she was having lunch with a certain friend and not to call her on her cell phone. I said ok, because I didn’t want to interrupt. This was all at 2 pm.

I left work around 3:30, and went home. I was wondering what we were going to do tonight, so I called her phone at 4:30, and discovered that she was still with her friend, so i hung up and was going to wait. THen, my dad called and wondered what we were doing, so he could make plans for dinner, among other things. I told him I didn’t know and he said to call my fiancee and find out. I didn’t want to because of what her mom had said. But I also didn’t want my dad to get mad at me, so I called her back around 5. We discussed our plans, and were on the phone for about a minute. We decided that until she got home, we weren’t going do anything, and if that changed, she would let me know. I got a little upset, because I really wanted to spend time with her. I probably shouldn’t have gotten upset because we are going to (hopefully) go out on Friday night. I waited for another hour and a half or so, and called her cell phone. She didn’t answer the first time and I didn’t leave a message, so I decided I would call back and leave a message. When I called back, I discovered I was in trouble because her mom had told me not to call her and I did. And that her Dad would be calling me and talking to me. And that we couldn’t do anything.

My question to you, is why in the world am I in trouble? I know why she (my fiancee’s mother) didn’t want me to call, and thats why I waited 2 and a half hours and when I did finally call I hung up with her as soon as I found out she was still with her friend.

so, any ideas?

Thanks.

Andrew

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Here’s an idea. Tell her parents to hire servants if they wanna boss someone around. Then grab your girl and move far, far away. If she doesn’t cooperate, get down on your knees, grovel, beg her parents for forgiveness, and promise never to flout their supreme authority ever, ever again.

3

You’re in trouble because you’re engaged to somebody that has to get their parents’ permission to do stuff.

If you can’t see this, then you’re in real trouble.

4

Wow, run, run away very fast.

5

You’re in trouble because the mother and father obviously don’t want you to interrupt her with this friend. Do you know who the friend is? Is it a male friend? Is it possible her parents are encouraging her to see someone else and maybe break up with you? I hope none of this is true, but I have a cynical, suspicious mind.

(I have no problem with an 18YO who’s still living at home getting permission to go out–it’s the other stuff that bothers me.)

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I know the friend. She is a friend of mine also. We all go to the same church.

Andrew

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Dunno. “Lunch with a friend” generally doesn’t last until 4:30pm, so I don’t see a problem with assuming she was finished with lunch at that time and calling her to see what your plans would be. That you hung up when you found out she was still with this friend shows that you were respecting her mother’s wishes and she probably would have been okay with just the one call. But calling a few more times (no matter the reason) is probably what ticked her off.

Realize that when you marry your fiance that you will be dealing with her mom for a very long time. If her attitude changes very little, are you prepared to deal with that?

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I am confused by the reasons her mom asked you not to call YOUR fiance while she was having lunch with a friend. If YOUR fiance didn’t want to take a call from you, she could have simply chose not to answer the call. Also, if she knew you tentatively had plans and were waiting to confirm them with her, she should have finalized them before going to a 4 hour lunch ( that apparently could not be interrupted by you ) with her friend.
Dude, you have some serious MIL & FIL to be issues. If they are punishing her, ( an 18 year old! ) for something that she had no control over ( you calling her is beyond her control, right? ) they will try to control every aspect of her life. As Horseflesh asked, are you prepared to live with that?

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WOW. I had to read this thread twice before I decided what I wanted to say to you.

Firstly. Who is more important here? The fiancee, or the friend? Not to put to fine a point on this, but since when is it rude for you to wish to speak to your significant other? Since when is it punishable that you should be allowed to speak to your fiancee and wife to be? And since when is it enforceable that you can be told HOW you wish to love someone, and when you can TALK to them?

Excuse me, but I would have a SIGNIFICANT problem with all of this.

As far as I can ascertain Andrew, you have done nothing wrong. Your next moves in this little chess game should be deliberate and bold. It truly depends on how you feel about all of this, and what you are willing to take in terms of control and consistent abuse as that is going to be your future, make no mistake about that.

You love someone, and your parents, and your girlfriends parents understand what love is, and both endorse it. So how does them endorsing it allow them the ability to CONTROL that relationship?

Here is what I would do. Call the father BEFORE he calls you. Tell him that you simply wish to understand what you have done wrong. Before you call him, place yourself in a calm manner, and ensure that you speak to him in calm tones, don’t become agitated, or nervous, and speak your mind. How he responds to you, will give you a measure of prophecy about your future with this fiancee of yours, and your parents in law to be.

I would call him, and tell him that you love and respect this woman, but it’s more than unfair that you should be chastised for trying to ascertain the dinner and evening plans of your fiancee. She is your girlfriend, and their daughter, you should BOTH be able to figure into her affections without anyone feeling slighted or left out. If they need to control her actions so that she is unable to see you or talk to you, when you both have time, then you need to consider how much you love her, and how much she loves you.

Love can triumph over all, BUT only if BOTH parties in love wish to triumph over all things. If you are giving more to this relationship than your partner is, and you can feel that already? It’s time to rethink what love is and what it is going to cost you.

Take this from a man who knows. If you wish me to explain that then I will, but right now it’s not appropriate. Just consider my words.

Logic.

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Or you could just have them whacked.

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LogicinMotion has some good suggestions up there. How long have you and your girlfriend been in a relationship? How long have you been engaged? What are her parents’ opinions of you two getting married?

I ask these questions because once you start this dialog with either of her parents your fiancee will inexorably be drawn into the middle of it. If it comes down to a choice between siding with her parents or with you, it could (unfortunately) not go your way.

But you’d rather find this out now than after you’re married, right? I would talk this scenario over with your fiancee first and get her views on it before starting with her parents. Perhaps she doesn’t see this situation the way that you (and most of us) do.

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Is it possible that you sounded annoyed on the phone, and she interpreted that as possessiveness and that’s why she was annoyed? That said, perhaps you should ask her why you shouldn’t have rung: it’s reasonable to interuupt her briefly, as you had a specific question.

It also depends if it was clear that she didn’t want you to ring (in which case it would be reasonable to ask why, though “I just fancied some time alone with <friend> is an acceptable answer”) or that that’s the sort of thing her mother would assume.

Thirdly, do you have a cell phone too? A text message could be perfect in a similar situation if you want to contact, but not disturb, someone.