Couples, arguing; Is name calling really all that bad?

[storyteller0910]

@featherlou

I’m trying to picture my husband yelling “You bitch!” at me in anger, and even the thought of it bothers me.

I was reading a study a little while ago that said that acting out in anger in any way doesn’t actually work to release the anger; if you yell or throw things or pound pillows, you’re still angry afterwards. If you just work through your anger and calm yourself down, that is the most effective way to deal with anger.

I am profoundly uncomfortable posting to this thread, because I am definitely bucking the trend, but what the heck…

My wife and I do call one another names when we argue; not every time, not even most of the time, but here and there. We also raise our voices a bit - or quite a bit - from time to time (though never in front of our daughter, or even when she’s in the house).

Now, here’s the thing: you have only my word that this is true, and you may choose to believe otherwise, but we love one another tremendously. We also respect one another tremendously. All of the stuff in this thread about attacking the behavior, not the person, and not bringing up past stuff, and so on - we’ve read all that, too. We’ve tried that. But it doesn’t work for us. When we try to have “reasonable” fights - which honestly sounds like an oxymoron to me - we both wind up getting angrier and more annoyed. It feels condescending.

The way it is, our fights last about fifteen minutes. When it’s over, we’re fine. I can honestly say - and again, you can either believe me or not, but it’s the truth - that neither of us feels hurt or bitter, or reduced as people or as partners, by the way we argue. Quite the opposite, actually - I’m glad I have someone in my life who is willing to tell me, “you’re being a fucking asshole” when I am, in fact, being a fucking asshole.

featherlou, I quoted your post above because while I have no doubt that a study may find that expressing anger doesn’t help it in general, both I and my wife have found that expressing our anger does help us get past it more quickly. As odd as this may sound - neither of us takes it personally. We’re usually laughing about it minutes later.

(By the way, it’s *never * really hardcore words, and it’s always phrased rather carefully: “you’re being an asshole” is always used rather than “you are an asshole”).

[alice_in_wonderland]

No way. I can’t even imgine a relationship that involved any amount of yelling, save for “Duck! You’re about to be hit by the arse end a low-flying goose!”

I used to date a guy that called me a bitch once when he was drunk. Honestly, I think I would have been less horrified if he had just punched me. It signaled the end of our relationship, for sure.

[Dr.Woo]

@cher3

Dr. Woo, six months! What an asshole.

Yup. I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

@PunditLisa

I’m hoping you are exaggerating here. Because calling someone an asshole is insensitive but not speaking to your own spouse for six months because of it is way over the top, not to mention passive-aggressive and mean.

It was pretty close to six months as I recall - the incident occurred during late summer and I remember Santa didn’t visit me that year.

And yeah, he’s amazingly passive-aggressive. I’m pretty used to it though - it’s his way of dealing with stuff. At least in the case I described I knew why he was mad at me - usually I don’t. I just figure it’s his problem, and drive on.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@Dr. Woo

<snip>It was pretty close to six months as I recall - the incident occurred during late summer and I remember Santa didn’t visit me that year.

And yeah, he’s amazingly passive-aggressive. I’m pretty used to it though - it’s his way of dealing with stuff. At least in the case I described I knew why he was mad at me - usually I don’t. I just figure it’s his problem, and drive on.

Jeeze, Dr.Woo, I realize you haven’t asked for our opinions, but that just isn’t right. That’s beyond passive-aggressive into pathological, in my opinion. I married my husband because I like being with him and living with him; if he withdrew his company and attention from me for six months for any reason short of a legal separation because we’ve decided it wasn’t working out, we would have a serious problem.

[Interrobang]

@storyteller0910

My wife and I do call one another names when we argue; not every time, not even most of the time, but here and there.

I should expand a little on my comment: I think namecalling and contempt frequently correlate, but they’re not the same thing. I’m sure there are couples who call each other names, but incorporate that into a healthy argument dynamic. (Yes, arguing can be healthy.) And there are couples who treat each other with contempt without ever calling each other a nasty name. My “not acceptable” was more about my own relationship, and that’s because we just don’t have a history of doing anything like that, so if it started it’d probably indicate a deeper problem.

I also think your final paragraph indicates that you’re not so much namecalling as using harsh language – again, lots of overlap in real life, but not necessarily the same thing.

And of course, you’re the only person who knows how healthy your relationship is – at least, you’re one of two people. If neither of you thinks it’s a problem, it’s not a problem.

[RickJay]

Nine years in we’ve* never * called each other such horrible names.

[enigm4tic]

incorporate that into a healthy argument dynamic. (Yes, arguing can be healthy.)

communication is healthy, if you get in to a shouting match, communication has broken down because somebody didn’t feel like they were able to bring up an issue until it boiled over in to something more than it should have been.

[Anastasaeon]

@Don't Call Me Shirley

My wife and I have played that game (usually without the happy ending though, I need to work on that…) but the point was to make the other one laugh. Whoever laughed or couldn’t come up with another name lost. We have never called each other names during arguments or even told each other to shut up.

Oh, jeez, I think everyone plays that game in some form or another. We tend not to use harsh names to start off, however. Plus, I always win. When we start running out of general insults, the non-sequiturs begin to fly, and he can never keep a straight face when I whip out words like “aerotooter”.

[Grey_area]

The only times I can remember “bitch” or “asshole” being said by either me or my SO was as a half-hearted retaliation when the other person had said/done something very hurtful.
e.g.
Me: I am making an uncalled for personal attack about a touchy subject.
Her: …You are such an asshole.

[Gatopescado]

Anything you say during an argument will be used against you later eventually. What I think is no big deal, suddenly becomes a* REAL BIG DEAL * 14 years later on St. Patrick’s Day.

Eh, fuck it. Women are inherently unstable anyway.

(clock starts ticking NOW!)

[lokij]

@storyteller0910

I am profoundly uncomfortable posting to this thread, because I am definitely bucking the trend, but what the heck…

My wife and I do call one another names when we argue; not every time, not even most of the time, but here and there. We also raise our voices a bit - or quite a bit - from time to time (though never in front of our daughter, or even when she’s in the house).

Heck, I’ll chime in on your side buddy.

My wife and I will be married ten years this August. We love each other hugely and completely… been through alot of Very interesting things (as the chinese would say) and come out the other side even stronger. We’ve never been mad at each other longer than… MAYBE a day…

We also call each other every name in the book when we get angry. Part of this is the fact that cursing is my number one vice… I don’t smoke, never drink to excess, don’t use drugs… never would dream of domestic violence, but I cuss like a sailor when not around my kids and my wife does too. I can’t even recall the worst thing I’ve ever called her… because, honestly… it was meaningless then and it’s meaningless now. They were just words to emphasize my feelings of anger… sorta like emotional punctuation marks, not to be taken literally and my wife understands and uses them the same way. Sometimes, it’s true and called for… I CAN be an asshole sometimes, she CAN be a stubborn bitch when she wants to be and that’s undeniable and understood… but it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other and respect each other for who we are. Our flaws do not define us in each other’s eyes. We’re also each other’s biggest fan club, for every disparaging word I’ve ever given my wife I bet I’ve given her a hundred mentions of righteously earned praise (because she IS the best person I know)… and praise, unlike our cursing, isn’t a vice with us. Its use is deliberate, thoughtful and appreciated. So… yeah, another yeller and curser here… with Love.

[Missy2U]

Thank you storyteller0910 and lokij - I thought I was the only one - I was beginning to feel like a total freak.

Gatopescadp, if I weren’t already married, I’d marry you!

[Aangelica]

Eh, we don’t call each other names, but neither do either of us have any compunction about using various unpleasantries as adjectives or as terms to describe currently contemporary behavior patterns.

I.e., “You’re being really bitchy about all this” or “You’re being an asshole”

Not that he thinks I’m a bitch, or I think he’s an asshole as a matter of course - but everyone has their moments, ya know? And we’re both big fans of pointing it out when our partner is having one of theirs - but only when they actually are.

I view this as sort of like telling your loved one if they have spinach stuck in their teeth. They’ve got something going on that would embarass them under normal circumstances and hence it behooves me to point it out to them.

Of course, I’ve been known to turn to my husband, slap on my very best melodramatic tragic expression and say “Maaaaaan, why you gotta do me like that for?” because it inevitably makes him giggle like a little girl, even when he’s good and pissed

[Autolycus]

Shut up poopyface!

[Cat_Whisperer]

Maybe the key is to have both people on the same page. If my husband yelled a rude name at me in anger, it would hurt me deeply. If I was a woman who wouldn’t be bothered by it, and yelled another name right back at him, maybe it isn’t a big deal then.