You know, several times here, including the OP, people have said “this isn’t about who is right or wrong/bad guy or good guy”, but you know what? I think there is. Interrupting is rude. If you interrupt, you are the bad guy. You should apologize.
Obviously, there could be exceptions–the house is on fire, or the other person NEVER shuts up but goes on 30 minute diatribes, or some relationship where regular interrupting is just part of the dynamic and both are ok with it. But 99% of the time, it’s rude and people should try not to do it and apologize when they do.
I’m unclear why the choices are only ‘interrupt with a solution’ and ‘don’t interrupt and let them vent.’ Isn’t there a place for ‘don’t interrupt and then offer a solution’? It’s the interrupting that’s rude, not necessarily the solution, and listening to everything the person has to say might make it clear if they’re seeking a solution or just venting.
A thousand times yes. You end up with the “Have you looked on the internet? You can find lots of things on the internet!” suggestions. Um, yes. But after telling the eager person you’ve already tried all these wonderful solutions, you get “Oh, you’re just so negative! Nothing is good enough for you! I was just trying to help!” :dubious:
The interruption thing is definitely rude, but I think that offering a solution can be as well – depending on the situation, of course. In many cases, a better response would be “What was the worst part about that?” or “What did that feel like?”
Just got out of a two-hour work meeting, and noticed in it that my four co-workers in the meeting (all of whom I think are excellent communicators and project work partners, and not htat it matters, but all male) have a tendency not to interrupt the person who is speaking unless that person is clearly a) wrong, b) repetitive, c) meandering, or d) not cued in to a central issue. When the person who was speaking was describing a problem (or a potential solution to the problem), everyone tended to shut up until the person was done describing it, at which point they would jump in (usually loudly) with solutions, objections, counterexamples, or whatever.
So I think it’s not just a good relationship skill, but a good communication skill in general, not to interrupt.
It is that simple. Interrupting is rude as shit. If there truly is One Right Solution, it will still be the One Right Solution 45 seconds later when I finish talking, so sit the hell down and STFU.
Unless the partner interrupts to ask, in which case it is still fucking rude, and worse than just giving a solution, because when you interrupt to ask that question, the passive-aggressive meaning is “do I really have to listen to this or is it just blah-blah-blah? Tell me now before I listen to any more than I have to.”
Just for the record, I’m a female who would be the shitty listener in the posted example. This isn’t a straight gender-divide. I can’t stand people who come to me with problems but don’t want my advice. Really? You spent all this time talking about x problem and you don’t want my advice on how to fix it? *Really? *I mean, it’s totally solvable. You apparently just don’t want to solve it. You just wanted to bitch? ***Really? ***Uh, okay. That’s nice. I won’t be starting anymore conversations with you if I can possibly avoid it.
Venting types who NEVER want advice seem indecisive and bitchy to me. I’m bad at the whole people skills thing, though, and I absolutely fucking positively do not do small talk. Not with anybody. You have a problem? That sucks, but tell me what’s up and I’ll try to help. You don’t want help? Talk to someone else.
Anyway, I guess if you get stuck with a venting type you should probably listen to the person, or get out of the relationship if it’s a dealbreaker for you. For me, this **is **a dealbreaker.
So when does “participating in a conversation, asking questions and listening for clarification” become interrupting? Because according to my son, if I say ONE WORD during one of his long, repetitive rants about something, even to ask for a clarification, that’s interrupting, and you all have said it’s rude. But I say we aren’t having a conversation if I’m not allowed to speak. Many times he may be venting about something, and gets off on a track that I know to be totally wrong because he misunderstood something way back at the beginning. If I try to mention the error ("No, it was your cousin GRACE who sent that, not the cousin that you hate) I get accused of interrupting as if it were the biggest sin in the world. So I’m forced to just sit there until he finally winds down and then give him the Emily Litella moment …(oh, really? NeverMind!) I’m not jumping in to offer a solution…I’m trying to have a conversation.
Same here. I’m used to conversational styles that have a lot of rapid back-and-forth. Interrupting for clarification, to correct something blatantly wrong, etc., is typical and normal. My peers do it to me all the time, I do it to them, doesn’t bug me in the least. I try to take note of which people don’t like this style, but I personally prefer it when people are more active conversationalists and do interrupt me in points during my story and keep the banter and conversation going. At least I know they’re paying attention. If they do cross the threshold of normal conversational patter to “not letting me make my point,” then I’ll simply say “hold on, let me finish.” Easy peasy.
I think we’re good with the concept that if the Problem Haver is high maintenance, that is worth calling out in its own conversation.
Again, I appreciate the input - from my standpoint, hearing a few key themes pretty clearly - don’t interrupt; make listening the priority; don’t be high maintenance in either direction - all make sense.
kittenblue, this is different from the OP, who said it only takes a minute or so for the Problem-Haver to explain the situation. It sounds like your son rants on for much longer, and about things you already know about as well, so his rants aren’t even imparting new information for you to judge.
I suggest after one of those “never mind…” moments that you have a calm discussion with him about how yes, interrupting is rude, but so is refusing to let anyone else speak, and that you prefer conversation to being an audience for a monologue. Suggest he stop every few sentences to get some input.
I am a solution interrupter, as is everyone in my family, so this is probably a learned behavior for me. I’ve never understood why it’s so bad? We’re also general interrupters and fast talkers with each other (we all communicate in English now but I think it’s that our native language is very fast), though we tend to limit that with non-family.
I’ve never gotten pissed by solution interrupters but I’m from a rolling tank atmosphere-as in, to be heard in my family you have to act like a tank and roll right over the interrupter to get your point across. My brother-in-law says we scare him.
We’re a M/F/F/F family by the way. My dad is an engineer and the sorta stay at home spouse and probably the one my sister and I take after in personality.
Well, gee, I dunno. Would you think it was rude and annoying if you were filling your plate at a buffet and someone reached in under you to get something instead of waiting 30 seconds for you to finish? Would you consider that person childishly impatient or self-important that he couldn’t take turns like we learn in freaking kindergarten? Solution interrupting is pretty much the verbal equivalent of that.
I understand about the tank family, part of my dad’s family is the same way. The only way to make yourself heard is to talk louder and faster than everyone else who happens to be talking at the moment. I hate dealing with that part of the family. Hate it.
