The Lash: Has superstrong eyelashes
Neurotica: has the ability to make really harmless things seem more dangerous (like pieces of tape or chair cushions).
The Humdinger: can make others feel better by making things seem more impressive. In reality, he actually IS impressed by everything, even stuff he’s seen 1000 times, like his own feet.
There’s an SF book series call ‘Wild Cards’ where an alien virus infects Earth. IIRC 90 percent of the people who get it die horribly, the other 9 or so percent become grossly physically mutated (called jokers), but a lucky few get super-powers (aces).
Some people get really minor, useless powers, and I think they were called deuces. This thread reminded me of that.
Or how about ** The Hair-asser?**
No, his power is to make hair grow in inconvenient places.
One power I have prayed for…
MINDMELT – Can instantly melt through speaker wire from a distance of hundreds of yards * with his mind!*
There was also a character in the Wild Cards novels called Lazy Dragon, who could animate and possess oragami sculptures, though his powers are a bit different as he transforms oragami animals into full-sized representation of those animals.
Waitasec: The ability to come up with a blistering insult that would make his enemies slink off in shame, but only after he’s already used a really lame one.
The 'Nizer: Can sense when CD’s are in the wrong jewel cases.
Shinter: Able to find furniture in complete darkness using only his legs and toes. He also has a very large vocabulary of curse words.
Hollow Leg: Has an oversized bladder. The master of dragging on business meetings.
Coffee Ninja: Is able to finish off a pot of coffee and sneak out of the kitchen without starting a new pot and not be caught by co-workers.
Spot: Can discolor a one-inch diameter area of any surface.
The Popper possesses the uncanny ability to drop exactly two pills from a bottle, every single time!
Tight Squeeze does a really, really nice job parallel parking.
And there’s The Letch, who can literally undress you with his eyes.
Humpback Jones - Can instantly summon a humpback whale to appear 1 foot above his own head.
The Shield - Can shrink and transmogrify body into the shape of a condom.
The Whittler - Can mentally carve a small block of wood into any shape he desires.
Joe Sandwich - Can attract all zombies in a 1000 mile radius to his location.
The UnTangler can wind the gnarled mess of magnetic tape back into its cassette, with his mind!
The DeScrambler can get HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, and Pay-per-View Porn, free, with his mind!
Lysolstrata - Kills 99.9% of bacteria, mold, mildew and viruses on most household surfaces - with her mind.
The Jiggler - Can stop a running toilet from 50 feet away by using telekinetic powers to jiggle the handle.
Mr. Salty - Can make food taste saltier without having to put salt on it.
Baconia - Can instantly link any actor to Kevin Bacon in six movies or less.
The Cucumber Kid – when eating crappy fast food hamburgers that have but a single pickle slice as the sole topping, he can get the pickle on the first bite, * every time!*
The Spider? Can make people suddenly walk into an invisibly thin, yet utterly annoying spider web whenever in public (like, in the parking lot at Wal-Mart).
If strangers intrude into his personal space or touch him without permission (like public transportation) spike spring out of his costume and enforce his personal space.
Owwww. My brain hurts now… how would they know that they were mutants? I mean… uhhh. Owww.
LC
But Sing-Song (the anti-Jingles) could get a powerful job in advertising/the music industry/marketing or just work for ClearChannel Radio. So I guess he’s a villain.
The Fecal Finger of Fate - Able to give a stinkpalm (no offense to the real Stinkpalm) to anyone within arm’s reach by touching them with the tip of his finger.
The Punderkind - Able to make bad puns and weak innuendos out of any statement, no matter how bland or banal.
Mr. Smooth - Able to pick up unattached, drunk women in singles bars, but only after last call. Assisted by his sidekick, Wingman, who distracts the companions of Mr. Smooth’s intended target.
Green Grocer Gertie - Able to find the freshest fruits or vegetables in supermarket produce sections - with her mind. Her weakness: genetically altered foods.
Captain Owie - Able to set off people’s “funny bones” in their elbows but only if they are behind him or are in his peripheral vision.
Such a mutant would inevitably be my arch-nemesis. His or her career would be a short one.
Personally, I nominate
8 Ball - Can generate a random response to any question, provided the query is in the form of a yes/no question. Has a drug problem.
Loogie - Can spit small wads of phlegm with pinpoint accuracy. Can be useful at times, but grosses out the other mutants at the academy.
TTT - thanks for noticing! I don’t know how he does it either - he has skills beyond us mere mortals I guess.
The Green Lantern - has a little green glow emanating from his hands which can illuminate dark places with a faint ambient greenness.
Mr. Pierce - has an annoyingly high-pitched modulating siren/alarm which goes off randomly or when people bump him.
Radioactive man - is extremely radioactive and no fun to be around.
Cap’n Pimp - Has a super-sized right hand fo ‘bitch-slappin’ (From “Doggie Fizzle Televizzle” MWTV).
Reflecto Boy with his amazing permanently-attached mirror glasses to hide the direction of his eyes and generally unnerve his foes (state trooper style).
AtomicDog - Nice call!
“Alright, state your name and power.”
“I am The Waffler. With my Griddle of Justice, I bash the enemy in the head, or I burn them like so.”
“Ooo, don’t do that.”
“I also have, uh, my Truth Syrup, which, uh, is low-fat. And I’ve been working on a theme song. Kind of a- Waffle Maaaaan! Chigga Chigga Chigga Chigga … and I’m running, running like this. The Waffler! Gold and crispy! Bad guys are history! Yow! Chigachigachiga, and I’m running, you know, just think about it. Do you have a- a health plan, by the way? Maybe dental, eye?”
“Next.”