[ul]
[li]Captain of the Moon: He can live on that God-forsaken rock for eternity, but he cannot leave.[/li][li]Spoiler: He knows how every movie, TV show, and other work of fiction will end.[/li][li]The Human Loogie: I just threw up a little in my mouth.[/li][li]Achromatic Lantern: He can do anything whatever with his magic ring, but nothing he does can impact anything that has any color whatsoever. Not even clear things.[/li][li]Super Confident Guy: His inflated sense of self-worth can be punctured by nothing, not even his overwhelming mediocrity in all measurable skills.[/li][/ul]
Leap Man!: Every February 29th, he can leap over tall buildings in a single bound.
The Phantom Eye: Has Neutrino Vision–Can see through a cube of lead a light-year thick!
(Cannot actually see human beings, walls, trees, Doomsday Devices, or the planet Earth, as they are all completely transparent to Neutrino Vision.)
WildCat: Was bitten by a radioactive cat; can now jump from a third-story building and land on her feet. Also now sleeps for 20 hours a day; has an intense interest in chasing mice, bugs, those little rings from plastic milk containers, and other small moving objects or objects that can be made to move; and coughs up hairballs on a regular basis. Secret weakness: Catnip addiction.
Clumsy Boy : Has the power to inflict extreme clumsyness upon himself at will.
Nam Drawkcab : Has the ability to speak backwards at will.
Shadowshot : Can phase projectiles out of normal reality, so that they can “ghost” through any form of armor or force field. Unfortunately, they also “ghost” right through the target.
Mythbane : Has the power to destroy any creature, as long as it doesn’t actually exist.
Yucky Lass : Can inflict the worst known taste and smell on any substance, merely by eating it.
The Eye Inside : Can instantly grow any number of eyes inside his own body.
Backlash Man : Has the mutant power to make his opponents more powerful and better looking.
The Immolator : Can exude burning napalm from his pores at will. Note : He is NOT fireproof.
Frustrated Man : Produces a psychic field that makes people sexually attracted to him in inverse proportion to how attractive he finds them. As a straight man, he is followed with puppylike devotion by a horde of ugly men, while beautiful women projectile vomit upon seeing him. He can’t even get the men to do anything for him; they’re too busy gazing longingly into his eyes to listen to him.
Balloonhead : By holding his breath, he can make his head expand to twice it’s size.
Mousemouth : Can spit mice at will.
Pauperman : Has the mystic ability to disintegrate his own money.
Captain Cornflake - Can keep cereal crispy in milk with the power of his mind.
Jingler - A complete and infallible knowledge of all advertising jingles in the known universe.
Sodamonger - Can transmute Coca-Cola into Pepsi and visa versa.
Toxifier - Can convert any material in his mouth into deadly poison by simply swallowing it.
Turkey Volume Guessing Man can guess the number of turkeys it would take to fill any given space. Satellite News -- Ward E -- Bit814
Man-Man: Bitten by a radioactive man, Man-Man gained the proportional strength, agility, and stamina of a human being!
Woman-Man: “Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. But what is it that men fear? Yes father, I shall become a woman.” Joined by his sidekick, Girl, the Boy Wonder.
Likeable Guy: Is kind of charming. I mean, not that he could talk you into doing anything something you didn’t want to do anyway, but most people agree that he’s okay, I guess.
Night Terror: Has the power to cause physically enter nightmares. Only his own, but still, that’s kind of cool.
Tinnitus: Can cause ringing in his ears at will.
The Hypochondriac: Can give himself any disease or medical disorder.
The Carny: Can guess your age or weight with a startling degree of accuracy.
Hans, the Vampire Slayer: Hans is the fabled slayer that is immune to the powers of the undead and has a sixth sense that can determine vampires from ordinary humans. Unfortunately, vampires don’t actually exist.
I just came in to mention my all-time favorite useless super-power.
Magnetic colon.
It’s worse when you realize it’s not one you can turn on and off at will.
Runs Screaming in Horror Man: Looks good in his hero outfit, but runs away like a little girl at the first sign of trouble.
Aqua Sinus Man - has the ability to telepathically communicate with lanternfish, tube worms, and other creatures of the deepest oceans. Also can breathe underwater. However, due to a congenital sinus defect, he cannot handle water pressure and is unable to reach even the bottom of a pool.
Sua
Breathe like a fish : Doesn’t work underwater.
Speak with Protozoa : Useful, except that Protozoa have no brain, so are very boring conversationalists.
Baked Boy: Has the power to stretch time. However it only applies to himself and all he does when he stretches time is eats potato chips.
Token Man: Has the amazing ability to become the lone minority in any group he joins.
Radio-Active Man! - Has the amazing ability to turn on even unpowered radios as he passes. Unforetunately, they all quietly play muzak from an unknown sorce.
Marsupial Woman! - Just don’t ask where her side-kick Roo-Boy hides.
Killer-Watt? - Causes otherwise unexplaned fluctuations of power in and disintegration of small scale aurally-emplaced electronic devices.
Smilie-Boy - Can actually speak in Smilies!
–and–
Thread-Killer-Man - Has the uncanny ability to always make the last post to threads. not my alter-ego, I swear!
Daniel
Doctor Slushee, diabolical supervillain feared because of his immunity to the “brain freeze”.
Broken Record Girl - has the ability to get *Horse with no Name * stuck playing in your head for days at a time.
Math Man-- able to add and/or subtract up to 2 double digit numbers without the aid of a calculator.
VendorWoman-- able to get any dollar into a vending machine no matter how tatty it is.
Also my favorite “real” useless superpower from Mystery Men. Invisible Boy-- able to turn invisible but only if no one is looking at him.
On a side note I think that this is officially the best thing I have read today.
The Velocitator - Has the power to drive at exactly the speed limit at all times.
Ovulatrix - Can ovulate at will.
Flatwerewolf - Can change any item of flatware into a spoon during the full moon. Not actually a wolf, but very helpful at some parties.
The Human Answering Machine - Can tell you who called while you were out, as long as he was there to pick up the phone. Remembers up to 99 calls.
And a bonus that was my favorite post from the last time we did this (not mine, but I’m too lazy to search. Whoever’s it was will hopefully be flattered.):
Doctor Dosage - Has the power to shake exactly two pills out of any bottle containing two or more pills.
This is not even remotely a worthless super power. Have you ever dealt with those damn things?