Here is the deal. The date that I have been waiting for is approaching. The girl is HOT and witty, funny, and apparently people find me amusing as well (whatever), but since it is the first date, I might hold back, just because I’m so damn nervous, and I don’t want to screw it up, so anyone have any witty comments that I can use on a first date, especially on topics that might come up. I’m a jackass for posting this, but whatever.
Voetsack
No, no, NO!! Do NOT try to pre-empt or rehearse for the date. That is guaranteed to stuff it up. Just take it as it comes…and good luck. Get back to us afterwards and let us know how it went.
What kambuckta said. And don’t have too much to drink (assuming you drink at all). Drunken first dates rarely result in second dates.
[sub]Um…says the guy who hasn’t actually dated per se in 15 years. :o[/sub]
But it’s still good advice.
This is not a witty remark, but something that will make her laugh (or cry).
You need to play the elephant.
Grab the insides of your trouser pockets and pull them inside out (these make the ears). Request you date to find the elephant’s trunk !!
No really, it’ll either make her laugh or cry (or run away I suppose).
I’m sure Caught@Work has had tremendous success with that – and I’m also sure that you don’t want to succeed with anyone who would have any kind of positive reaction to such a move. (Don’t bother to parse that sentence, Voetsack – I’m telling you to ignore that last post.)
Relax, be yourself, don’t put so much pressure on yourself! If you do start freaking out and acting weird, say “I really want to impress you, this is why I’m acting weird.” She will be charmed by this admission. This is only the first date – you don’t have to cover the entire relationship in one evening. It’s a chance to go out, have a good time, get to know each other a little better.
Watch a friends marathon. Then you can be funny as well as neurotic. Women love that.
Don’t make a point of trying to be funny, interesting ect. Make a point of making her feel funny, interesting ect. It’s the old Dale Carnegie approach. Listen more than you talk and help her feel good about herself, if you can pull that off I almost guaranty she’ll feel good about you.
Good advice, I’ll try to make her feel good about herself. Now about drinking, we are going for drinks first and then dinner. Sounds like a good plan to me. I’m excited. 
I’ll let you guys know how it went, probably on Sunday though, maybe she’ll make me breakfast on Saturday morning …
Don’t get too loaded and embarass yourself, like those guys on Blind Date. Which I realize is a horrific cheesy show, but it’s on on my lunch hour and is amazingly entertaining.
Ah, you’ll do fine, pal. Just talk. If you get enough talkin’ going on, your natural responses will come out. Every utterance doesn’t need to be great, and a few will be if you just go with the flow.
The last thing you want is staged remarks.
Good luck!
Sorry, all my stuff is second-date material. I’ve noticed that if you put a pen up your nose, for example, you can’t eve look at yourself without laughing. It’s just funny. But yup… you guessed it. Second date.
It might also help you to remember that all women are a big fat moody ugly unattractive overweight pain in the ass.
Works evey time (maybe not).
I guess hiring Joe Piscopo as a mentor is out of the question.
Nope, sorry. You can’t get advice on how to be witty and funny online. Especially in the company of someone who is witty and funny herself. Your best chance is slapstick. Try not to hurt yourself 'k?
Enjoy,
Steven
Well, need I say more. The date went really well for the most part. She kept buying me drinks though, and I got drunk. We danced, made out on the dance floor, and then she says, " do you want to go somewhere else, I don’t live too far from here?". So we went back to her place, made out some more, and then I fell asleep. Next morning I wake up, and she has this huge hikkie in her neck, and I have no idea when that happened. It’s in such an obvious place as well. She is an attorney, so that doesn’t look too professional. Oh well, she is not pissed about it, and she says that she owes me one.
That was the weekend.
You better get some now. If you screw it up, you’re a loser!