I ain’t got no soul. For proof, watch me dance sometimes.
I do, however, have lots of slack. Does that count for anything?
Hey, Crazy Fenris, take a look at this one:
One slightly used soul, not quite 30 years old.
Loves to sleep outside and skinny dip and sing whilst hiking.
Has loads and loads of friends in many states and keeps in touch with them even when they forget to call.
Has no true love but hasn’t given up looking.
Volunteers on Mondays, 'cause it makes a bad day better.
Loves public transportation.
Always stops to talk to the little old lady who walks so very slowly down the street.
But <gasp> works for The Man[sup]TM[/sup]. In marketing. Sending direct mail.
Is there any hope?
I don’t take anything from the Lord of the Flies. I deal directly with the customers, but I’m able to give you the Straight Dope on your soul’s valuation because I have LOW! LOW! overhead (Overhead so low that you have to stoop to get in the door!) and because I have INSIDE information. You can’t find a better bargain anywhere!
And as for why I take the 5%, whatdayathink The Devil’ll pays for the remaing bits and pieces he’ll need to complete his collection! <evil grin>
Crazy Fenris
The cookie thing guarantees that your soul is pure gold, pristine and perfect. Satan will offer you domination of any ONE (1) second world country, slaveboys with palm-frond fans to cool you in the hot climate of your humid Gingerarchy. He will also offer you $9999.00 in gold coins.
What kind of pie?
Fenris
Kallessa, by your own admission, you didn’t offer me your soul. Only one person has a soul so pure, so luminescent and modesty forbids me from mentioning the value of this soul. I’m a busy, busy man. I don’t have time to deal with hypotheticals.
And if you want to speak to the manager, be my guest. I’ll get him for you.
::runs inside::
<much rustling, thumping, a loud “Ouch!”>
:: Fenris comes out wearing an obviously fake handlebar moustache and a straw hat::
<fake voice>
Yeeeeeeeessss? I am the manager. How may I help you?
(signed: The Manager)
During finals week of my senior year in college, a mere week and a half before graduation, I sold my textbooks to raise money to buy beer. I needed to finish a beer-quest at the student pub.
When I was eight, a friend and I dropped his cat several times from the top of a stepladder onto a pile of cushions to see if cats really landed on their feet.
I kill spiders in painful ways whenever I see them. The more painful, the better. Fire, Raid, fire, boiling water, fire, crushing, fire, a shotgun, and fire. (I don’t like to get into the shotgun part.)
I’m a very inefficient worker. I’m going on vacation next week and I can’t seem to get anything done today. This is demonstrated by all the time I’m killing on the SDMB.
I argue that Best Yet[sup]TM[/sup] macaroni and cheese is sufficiently nutritious to support me for a month.
I have irrational terror of minor things, such as meeting my girlfriend’s parents, or going to the beach. In my mind, I view these as “meeting them and being buried in a shallow grave” or “going to the beach and being simultaneously mauled by a tiger shark and devoured by a Portuguese man-o-war”.
To balance that out,
I volunteer for a battered women’s shelter.
I know the folks at the local Red Cross office well, and appear every 56 days like clockwork.
I remember anniversaries, even the minor ones like first meeting, first date, first kiss, first “I love you”, and first base.
I’m a firm believer that the Vikings can actually win the Super Bowl, and refuse to listen to the naysayers.
I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people LIKE me!
Okay, Fenris, soul-baring begins:
Thirty[sub]mumblednumber[/sub] soul:
used (slight scarring, but fading with time)
spirit bent (but not broken)
warped sense of humor
formerly a spineless invertebrate, but developing a backbone (finally!)
Was a teacher, then a carny, now a secretary.
I rescue injured animals, yet play ‘Godzillakitty’ with my own cat.
I badger people to tell me the endings of movies.
I am a lousy cook.
I adore terrible puns.
Occasionally, I will pay for someone else’s meal or purchase without telling them, just to watch the confused look on their face.
I hate needles but I still donate blood and platelets.
What will you offer me for my soul (that is, if a little agnostic owl has a soul at all)?
Here’s another soul awaiting evaluation from the amazing Fenris and his “Cities on Flame with Rock n Roll Review”
On the bad side, this soul:
[ul]
*Is over 50,with lots of miles, some of them hard
*Doesn’t always pay enough attention to his kids
*Is lugged around in a seriously overweight body
*Has a tendency to laziness; would rather read a book(of the Big Seven, Sloth and Gluttony would rank highest)
*Will settle for messiness if it’s clean
*Suffers from Wasted Potential from the shining light it was back in high school and college days
*As it ages, has less patience with fools and less inclination to keep its mouth shut when irritated
*Has worked as both insurance salesman (though only for a couple of years and managed to lose his shirt in the process)
*Has sold advertising for both radio and newspaper and been a disc jockey
[/ul]
On the good side, this soul
[list]
*Was most happlily and sincerely married for 24 years before losing his beloved wife to a dementing illness
*Always remembers anniversaries and special days
*Buys flowers
*Genuinely loves his new wife of two and a half years and has made serious adjustments in life style to accomodate her tastes
*Is a serious science fiction fan, who will be attending Westercon next month
*Loves Australian Rules Football
*Has eclectic music tastes, ranging from kick-ass rock n roll to folk to country to a capella
*Is seriously sentimental and can easily be moved to tears
*Loves his children, even if it’s hard for him to articulate at times
So, Fenris, whaddya think?
Fenris, fenris!! Do me next do me next!!!
Here’s my soul! ::rips it out from the back of the neck:: It’s only sixteen years or so (seventeen if you believe soul starts at conception!) Since its in such new and shiny (and innocent ;)) condition, what can I get?
where the hell are my slaveboys with palm fronds?
Are you out of your mind? Do you think I’m going to tell you what kind of pie without knowing what kind of slave boys I’m getting? Are you mad?
[sub]And while I’m at it…[/sub]
I want TWO (2) second world countries. Does Belgium count? I hear they have good chocolate there. And boys with accents.
wring, did you make any cookies? You gotta make cookies. A lot of (*&#@ cookies. If I make more cookies, I’ll qualify for air conditioning, and the slave boys can spend their time doing other stuff, rather than fanning me with palm fronds.
**
The Dread One will offer you a small 1st world country to rule with a dread iron fist on one condition: You must agree that your soul will slave in Hell’s Kitchen for all eternity making nuclear-hot chili in a mess-hall where there’s no beer/water/crackers/etc to quench the fire. He’ll also offer you 12 pairs of tennis shoes (one pair is mismatched), and a cheesecake picture of either Bella Abzug OR Charles Laughton. Your choice.
Ok, Old Scratch LIKES moderators…they’re used to Hellish conditions and therefore settle in nicely. Therefore, he’ll make the following offer:
For your soul, he’ll make you more Just than Lynn, more sarcastic than Alphagene, more logical than David B…I could go on and on, but the upshot is that he’ll make you the next best thing to Cecil. Oh yeah, and he’ll give you a Jr. Detective’s kit and a retro-looking fedora/trenchcoat to go with the retro stylings of the PT Cruiser. He’ll also offer you all the Easter “Peep” candies that you can eat. That assumes you get your soul back.
If however, Rebecca ever wants to sell it, he’ll make her a a similar offer to GingeroftheNorth’s. A small country to rule along with with slave boys with accents and palm fronds.
Slack? We don’t need no stinkin’ slack.
Oh, what the hell. A lifetime supply of Hydrox cookies (much superior to Oreos), and all the salty snack-food you’ll ever want.
If you’re sending out direct mail, your soul may already belong to the Darklord.
But assuming it doesn’t (yet)…the Darklord will offer you: A lifetime bus pass, which can be used on any public transit system in the world, a game of horseshoes OR a croquet set, missing one mallet, the secret of the third word that ends in “gry” (you can tell it to the little old lady, but no one else)
AND the ability to start a fire by rubbing two boy scouts together.
Fenris
Okay, Fenris, the manager and I just had a good talk, and I think I understand the problem. The customer is not always right,and I was being a smartass (in a very pure and uplifting way, mind, but still a smartass). So, not to waste your time, I’m hoping to have a big job offer soon, so I need my soul to be worth the job, plus a bunch ( the job involves a pay cut, I’ll need something to keep me in the standard of living I so deserve). Here are the facts:
Avowed romantic, slightly bedraggled, but stubbornly keeping my heart on my sleeve.
Single, no kids. Never wanted the kids, want the husband. Willing to love stepchildren.
Devoted to the San Francisco Giants and 49er’s and have been since the 1960’s.
Am a lawyer, but work for a labor union.
Do not believe that American League baseball is actually baseball because the pitcher does not bat.
Occasionally wrote college research papers in return for cash (and once for beer).
Regrets being so adamant that Robert Bork should not be a Supreme Court Justice, but only because it has prevented true scholars from being named since.
Believe that there is stuff worth watching on TV. Even network TV.
Sometimes fails to shower on Sundays.
Bakes cakes for birthdays, including Winnie the Pooh’s birthday (October 14).
Once bought a copy of a 2LiveCrew CD as a protest to censorship (and promptly threw it away, in pieces, so no one ever had to listen to the disgusting piece of garbage).
Cries at almost any movie. (I cried during Armageddon for Gods’ sake!)
Able to use sarcasm effectively.
Am excited that both Styx and Huey Lewis and The News have new albums coming out.
Would Lucifer be interested? Does Satan have an offer I can’t refuse? Would Beelzebub pony up the riches? Could Asmodeus be persauded to take this sould off my hands in exchange for my heart’s desire and loose change (lots of loose change)? Will it matter that, as a Pagan, the closest thing to Hell I believe in is a mall on a holiday weekend? I’m willing to pay 7%, Fenris, if the deal’s good enough.
So, can I please have an appraisal? Pretty please? With ice cream on top?
God and I did lunch the other day, and I asked her about these Grand Fenwickian souls, and if they really were worth anything. I found out a couple of interesting things. One, they’re worth a freaking mint, and two, seeing God snort beer out of Her nostrils is really quite a sight.
Now, God’s willing to pony up everything I’ve asked for, plus a big-ass condo in Maui, seats on the 50-yard-line for the next five Super Bowls (although she wouldn’t get up off of who the winners will be–sometimes you just can’t argue with God, no matter how many shots She’s tossed back), a few excellent stock tips, and Harrison Ford’s phone number.
I told her that was a reasonably good deal, but since you’d expressed an interest first, it would only be fair of me to give you an opportunity to bid as well.
So, whaddya say, Fenris? Can you top Her offer? She’s reeeeeeeeeeeeeal eager to get Her hands on these things.
OK, pretty fair, But: I’d be willing to downgrade by taking both cheesecake photos, if I get to see the expressions on the faces of the newly damned as they try their first meal in Hell and discover that I use Thai rat-peppers in my chili like some people use rice: By the handfull…! 
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by LNO *
LNO:
We don’t allow trade-ins for new models, but the value of your soul is $742.21, forty-five bottlecaps, the ability to always cook barbequed ribs to perfection (to go along with the Macaroni and Cheese). In addition, you will be offered a seat in Congress, but you’ll never get a committee chairmanship.
Fenris
PSE (Precision Soul Engineering) is now offering a wide variety of precision measuring, cutting, polishing and division tools for manipulating souls.
PSE incorporates some of the most advanced Pardigm ™ metaphor/analogy tools for the removal and/or dispersal of pieces of your soul.
PSE demands for itself and provides to our customers precision tools that are unequaled by any other service. With a common PSE WorkShop you will be able to make precision grafts and cuts from or to the soul at the 0.00043+/-0.00003% level. This remarkable precision is available no where else!
We can also provide ‘rental’ and ‘at-shop’ precision measurement and ‘cutting’ services for a low (soul or non-soul) fee.
History:
PSE first came about, in 1995, during an unfortunate incident in trying to divide a soul into 3 equal pieces. It was only the development of the Soul-Reaver 1000 that was able to make the final ARCH-ANG-Qaulity cut at the 0.002+/-0.0004 level, the necessary amount of control for the transaction at hand.
PSE’s owner THECHAO, currently owns a majority share of his own soul, at 78%, and majority shares of two other souls (54% and 72%), as well as a part owner of the “33&a1/3” soul mentioned above.
PSE does NOT do any of the following services:
Soul Rental, Reposession (or Posession), Administration and/or Appraisal. Please enquire at any of our (1) location.
Hah! First Post!
Well, Fenris, I’m not sure I’m selling my soul right now, but maybe if I got a good enough offer I might consider it.
My soul is an early 1977’ model, and it’s gently used/near mint condition. Still lilly white, this soul might still wear a white wedding dress, AND never got a single detention through all 12 years of school, so there are no black marks anywhere. The soul has never smoked nor tried illegal drugs, and drinks less than 4 times a year, usually having no more than 2 drinks at a time. This soul worked its way through college, and anticipates paying student loans for at least another 10 years. This soul is also kind to children and animals(also to family and friends), and is reported to be a good listener and good advice giver. However, this soul is also a terrible cynic who thinks most people just aren’t making enough of an effort and never will- this soul is also a registered republican. This soul is currently working on what might be its second short novel, and you know how artist are. Finally, this soul is loyal, jealous, self-confident yet insecure, responsible, trustworthy and moody.
So what can I get for it?
That means the PoD only gets 95%. How we know he gone like that? I done is scrolled through the whole thread, now mebbe I fell asleep when you said he don’ mind chipped souls, but I don’ remember seeing no guarantee he’d even look at my soul once there’s a big piece taken outta it.
Fenris takes 5%… well, the soul in infinite. So if he takes 5% of infinity, he’s taking, infinity. So you, with your infinite soul, pay an infinite amount of your soul to Fenris, leaving you…
::drum roll::
::Vanna writes on big chalk board - Infinity minus Infinity Equals ZERO::
No soul to sell!!!
This message has been brought to you by ACME Souls’R’Us
JP