Okay, how about this one:
Tormented artist; only slightly insane.
Been dropped a few times. Missing pieces.
Loves animals and dislikes small children.
Enjoys causing mischief and being difficult.
Likes classical music.
[li]Loves poetry and violent sports.[/li][li]Has cried just watching a baby and laughed after beating a man unconscious[/li][li]Usually returns money to cashiers who can’t count.[/li][li]Sometimes keeps the change.[/li][li]Deeply devoted to wife, but has never before succeeded at fidelity.[/li][li]Ex military, ex researcher, ex martial artist, ex writer, ex hausted bit twiddler in a maze of cube walls. Where’s my damn cheese![/li][li]Has old scars, mostly healed but deep.[/li][li]Never grew to its promised height.[/li][li]Is unaccountably attracted to bullshit philosophizing, despite having zero qualifications for same.[/li][li]Recently made a nice girl cry in the PIT.[/li][li]Coldly logical as a rule.[/li][li]Extravagantly passionate at unpredictable moments.[/li][li]Drinks too much whiskey.[/li][li]But it’s really good whiskey.[/li][li]Likes puns[/li]
Soul is currently under joint contract to wife and Super Ryan[sup]Tm[/sup], but secretly fears they are looking to trade him in on a flashier model.
What can I get for a 25 year old, college educated soul with an artistic bent? Been baptized and everything? In perfect working order, except for the work ethic, but that can be fixed, no problem. Otherwise, excellent condition, just a few venal sins, nothing major. Oh, hey, my Mom prays for me every sunday. High Catholic mass, too, real fancy. That’s got to drive the value up some, right?
Hej Fenris!
What’ll I get for the following thirty-eight-year-old soul, who:
-likes to sleep in too much, even to the point where it endangers jobs
-rarely replies to letters
-maxed out credit cards and is now in credit counselling
-due to lack of social skills, had only had one SO, and that for only three months in 1993
-does not really believe in ‘true love’
-is estranged from parts of his family due to fear and lethargy
-is living up to maybe 5% of his artistic and personal potential
…but:
-manages to support his ailing father
-has stuggled through the dark underworld of the human condition for the past ten years ( ::waves at Persephone:: ) in the hope of finally learning from it and becoming a better person
-still dreams of a better world
-secretly loves summer nights, beauty, and happy romantic endings
…and lastly:
-last week convinced a businessperson new to the Net that, yes, spamming to advertise his business was a Bad Idea.
You can’t like, sell a soul, man. The soul like, belongs to God, man.
friend whispers in ear
You got a prowler for it? Oh, I guess I’m wrong then. Okay here goes. Born a catholic, switched to nondenominational. Smoker for 6 years (17 now). You know those annoying ass teenagers that cruise around at night playing “Big Booty hoes” so loud that everyone in a 4 block radius gets instant tenitus? Be damned if it ain’t me. (Guess I’m damned since it is though… )
So do you have any need for a rebelious teen?
Unless Crazy Fenris has some undue influence over the Dark One, that could cause said Dark One to pony up the 0.05 soul from every successful referral, it strikes me that he’d be better served by asking the seller for 5% of the proceeds of the soul.
Anyway, what if another appraiser claims to have provided the actual appraisal upon which the successful negotiation was based? Does anybody really think De Debbil will put up with having his incoming stock arriving with multiple 5% chunks missing?
In a seller’s market like this, the burden of payment really should fall on the seller. Of course the seller then faces the prospect of being dunned for multiple 5% chunks of his (or her) loot.
And who pays closing costs?
Which is why I’m seriously considering entering as a silent partner in my brother-in-law’s listing service. We’ll always get our cut, and outside brokers will have to split the commission among themselves, leaving tons of happy customers who only had to fork over 6% (5% to serve as the commission, and 1% for the house) of the aggregate value of the transaction.
Thanks for the idea Fenris. We’ll be sending you a developer’s fee as soon as the IPO is issued.
I lack a soul of my own to sell, as it was lost in the early '90s. If only Jack Chick had warned me about the dangers of playing Dungeons & Dragons while listening to Heavy Metal and wearing a ‘Charles Darwin Rocks My World’ t-shirt. I do, however, have a torn scrap of a soul from a former SO. She was most kind and loving, god-fearing, and wrote touching poetry. Being unsuccessful in attempts to return it or trade it for cigarettes, I thought I’d offer it up.
Ok, Fenris. How much for my soul? I’m 25, educated (got a Master’s), underemployed, I work as a paralegal in a law office, and manage most of the time to avoid doing any work. You’ve seen my posts on the boards…often informative, sometimes witty…pretty much explains me. I don’t smoke, only drink sometimes, was fired from a telemarketing job for not being any good at it. So, what’s it worth?
Man this is a long line…
gets in line
realizes what the line is for
Man, just when you think you’ve found a short line for the DSL people…
fades into the darkness
jpariury claims:
"Infinity minus Infinity Equals ZERO::
No soul to sell!!!"
Best bone up on yo transfinite math there, jp. Vanna notwithstanding, 95% of infinity is also infinity, but it’s still got a chip taken out of it and is damaged merchandise.
Hmm …He makes it onto Threadspotting – and still he doesn’t show?
Maybe he’s gone out of business. Anyone see any sales advertised? Buy one soul, get two free?
Oh, I get it. Thread makes it to threadspotting, and now he’s too good for all us little people. Bastid.
Whats the going rate for an ‘ex-junkie with social anxiety disorder’ soul?
Friends (and you ARE my Friends!) I’ve been busy dealing with the Fallen One! (How else do you think this thread made Threadspotting?)
:: Looks at the crowd of people ::
I’ll start apprasing souls in the next few hours and sorry for the wait! I will throw in a free virtual lollipop or 2 free virtual socks, mismatched or not: your choice!!
And remember:
*
No Ectoplasm down! Low LOW overhead! Crazy Fenris’s can’t be beat!*
Satan likes souls who like Styx. Especially during their “Grand Illusion” period. I have it on good authority that Satan plays “Come Sail Away” over and over, when not tormenting the damned.
On the other hand…knowing (let alone baking cakes for the occasion) Winnie-The-Pooh’s birthday means you’re filled with utter coolness. Coolness, while desirable in other quarters is not a selling point for Hell.
As an aside, The Fallen One is an Equal-Opportunity Soul Purchaser: He will accept your soul regardless of religous affiliation.
:: thinks for a moment ::
Unless you’re a $cientologist, but that goes without saying.
Anyway, The Lord of Flies will offer you:
Thirteen bootleg Styx albums.
A guaranteed win for the baseball team of your choice, three years running (OR a rule change forcing pitchers to bat.)
$5863.55 paid in small change
1/2 interest in a Salt Mine
and
You’ll get your biography written (and it’ll be a best seller) but it’ll be written by Kitty Kelly.
Crazy Fenris
Crazy Fenris can beat ANYONE!:
I can go as high as:
All the previous stuff plus
A big-assed condo in Maui, stocked with MONKEY-BUTLERS!
Seats on the laps of the players in the next 5 Super Bowls (or on the bench, if you must)
Can’t improve on the stock tips, but Satan will commit to 8 stock tips per year, guaranteed winners.
And why mess with phone numbers? Old Scratch will simply give you Harrison Ford.
Crazy Fenris
Crazy Fenris can beat ANYONE!:
I can go as high as:
All the previous stuff plus
A big-assed condo in Maui, stocked with MONKEY-BUTLERS!
Seats on the laps of the players in the next 5 Super Bowls (or on the bench, if you must)
Can’t improve on the stock tips, but Satan will commit to 8 stock tips per year, guaranteed winners.
And why mess with phone numbers? Old Scratch will simply give you Harrison Ford.
Crazy Fenris
Aw hell, I’ll give this a whirl since my folk’s Real Estate agency doesn’t deal with “The Damned”, Antiques Roadshow threw me off because “24 years isn’t antique yet…”, and I can’t sell my soul to Rock & Roll…
I’m thinking about using my current soul as a trade in for a bigger V8 soul. What can I get for a soul with:
[ul]
[li] 24 year old piss/vinegar soul with moderate death and destruction experience.[/li][li] Two Stanley Cups as a Devil Worshipper[/li][li] Slight alcoholic tendencies[/li][li] Some impish desires: Breaking stuff, blowing stuff up.[/li][li] Southwestern Grilling Experience[/li][li] Practical Joker! Once served saltine crackers w/out a beverage to friends.[/li][li] Experience in annoying people with that funny North Dakota accent.[/li][li] Some mileage, but tuned regularly and little body work needed. However, the brakes are shot.[/li][/ul]
So how 'bout it bub? What’s my Fair Market Value?
Tripler
Maybe I’ll try to sell it on eBay.
Man, I used to believe in soul selling. You let me down man, now I’m going to become a monk and give my soul to God, for free!