In the Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of
the deep.
And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”
And God said,“Let there be light” And there was light.
And God said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, The herb yielding seed, And
the fruit tree yielding fruit,” And God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said, “There goes the neighborhood.”
And God said, “Let us make Man in our image, After our likeness, And let
them have dominion over the fish of the sea, And over the fowl of the air,
And over the cattle, And over all the Earth, And over every creeping thing
that crept upon the Earth.”
And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said,“I know how I can get back in this game.”
And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach And
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long
and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth The 79-cent
double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man, “You want fries with that?”
And Man said,“Super size them.”
And Man gained five pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt,That woman might keep her figure That
man found so fair.
And the Devil brought forth chocolate.And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said,“Try my crispy fresh salad.”
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said,“I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with
which to cook them.”
And the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own
platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control, So Man would not
have to toil To change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.”
And God brought forth the potato,A vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin And sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, “It is good.”
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man’s health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the
nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer, So Man could poison his body,While feeling
righteous because he had to drink Twice as much of the now-insipid brew to
get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And God created the life giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate,And upon
returning asked Man,'Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, “Always tell the truth.” And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man And dwelt in the land of the
divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth And took unto herself comfort
food.
And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn’t help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth
his Visa. And the exercise machine went to dwellIn the closet of Nod east of
the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man In
the property settlement. It didn’t help her, either.
