I couldn’t hate Crocs more if they were made by skinning puppies alive and curing their hides in dolphin fat. They top the all-time list of hideous footwear, and that is before the advent of Croc socks. More on that in a minute. I think it’s time for a review:
Vans: Who would have thought that skate punks would think they looked cool in flamboyant loafers that would have made a teenage Liberace weep with longing.
Birkenstocks: When you are an ultra-crunchy wad of granola, and are afraid your greasy hair isn’t telling your story loud enough, Birkenstocks announce to the world that you are unique. Just like everyone else. Enjoy transcendence into equally crunchy geekdom by adding socks.
Air Jordans: What would you do for the pleasure of sweating buckets into leather high-tops, featuring a $100 premium for Nike’s poorly designed ,bubble-filled insoles? If you said, “gun down some kids with my gat,” then Air Jordans are for you.
Crocs: Ventilation holes or not, who wouldn’t enjoy a summer day with their feet crammed into waterproof, air-tight, zero arch support, colorful chunks of hard rubber? This beats making shoes out of duck tape and hockey pucks by at least 25%. Don’t just tell the world that you’d be just as happy riding the short bus to Taco Bell, show them that you mean it with pink rubber clogs.
And now… Croc is making socks. I’m not talking about looking like any ordinary asshole with Crocs and socks, I’m talking about the blessed assholiness of wearing Crocs with Croc Socks. It is fads like this that make me long for the next ice age.