Crunchy Frog's Welcome Wagon (newbies take note)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
121

Good God! I’ve only been gone for two days! Sorry about the lateness of my replies, but I’ve been ill lately. Bit o’ the old bronchitis again. Please be patient since I will be away from work for a while (where I usually post from) but I will try to get to my parents’ house just to check up on things (as I am doing right now). So here goes:

eulalia says:

Hey, I didn’t want to see Harvey Keitel’s dick in The Piano either, but I had to; they just kinda surprised me with it in the film. So as it is now. I don’t necessarily want to see all the women here nekkid, but it’s my job, you see?

I believe I speak for everyone who has never heard of Catherine de Medici when I say, “Who the hell is Catherine de Medici?” I’m in the middle of a biography on Spider-Man. Well, it’s not really a biography, it’s an issue of the comic book where they retell the origins of his powers.

But not good spelling, I see. You had me up to this point, but for this infraction, you must Bite Me Newbie.

DRY says

I know, I know. They yell, “Gimmetheball!” Usually I’d get snippy with you for nitpicking, but since you’re trying to score points with a female living in your neck of the woods, I shall allow you to walk away unscathed.

Pyrrhonist says:

Have you listed these in order of importance?
[reading Pyrrhonist’s mind]
Let’s see, I’m telling them all about myself so I have a bunch of cats and a shitload of books (that’s a metric shitload, not English Standard) and um . . . oh yeah, that woman who’s always around, what’s her name . . . my wife.
[/reading Pyrrhonist’s mind]

What about the ones who can walk on their hands? Or the poor little tykes in wheelchairs? Or are you referring to having had a problem where children have been leaving severed body parts on your lawn? I hate when that happens.

Obviously you’re new, therefore have no idea what a huge baseball and football fan I am. You will be forgiven this time, since I will assume you meant no ill will towards my St Louis Cardinals or Rams.

Neither have I. No need to, really, since it hasn’t been turned off in 7 years.
Bite Me Newbie

fun2d8 sayeth:

You’ll get no special treatment from me, lass! I went to Hazelwood West, and you?

Quick response: I don’t care, means nothing to me, so what, almost gave a shit there and what a cop out at the end! Why bother with the xxxlbs thing? Obviously you weigh something, but if you don’t want to tell us, don’t bring it up. What a gyp! And any activity with a friend? Wanna be my friend? Do you know how I define a friend: someone I have seen naked. Wanna know my definition of best friend? :wink:

broccoli! has this to say:

OUCH! Goddam that hurt just reading about it! How do you let someone do that to you? Aren’t you afraid you’ll get your zipper caught or someth – oh, wait. Septum’s in your nose, isn’t it? Nevermind, I was thinking of something else.

I know this isn’t what you meant, but I had visions of you as a freelance EMT, wandering the streets asking, “Hey, anybody need some help? Any choking victims? I can do the Heimlich. I brought my own defibrulators . . .”

Yeah, those other people just kinda sit there and drool a lot. Real downers at parties.

Bumbazine chimes in:

I’m sorry, I don’t know any an - a - lyst jokes. What is this an - a - lyst?

I know what you mean (kinda) I’ve been engaged twice, broke up once. I can’t say anything about my ex since she got a legal order stating she never knew me.

thinking to self don’t go with the fat jokes, don’t go with the fat jokes . . .

Well, I don’t know you well enough to make a judgment on you, so I’ll just have to take their word on that.

Not really, but I have a lot of catching up to do with this thread, so thanks for keeping it short.

Okay [sub]bite me[/sub] You’ve scared me [sub]bite me[/sub] sufficiently all the way from Portland [sub]bite me[/sub] Oregon to convince [sub]bite[/sub] me to let you off the hook.

stargazer (last one to catch up with, yay!) says:

You know, usually when someone double-majors, one of those degrees is actually worth a dead sloth’s dried up testicle floating in a jar of formaldehyde, but you managed to get two that weren’t. That’s abso-fricking-lutely amazing! You drank a lot in college didn’t you? If not, you should have, that’s your only excuse for having those two things for your majors.

And you’re really waiting for marriage? I’m not sure if that’s romantic or – no, even as a romance thing, I still don’t understand it.

'Fraid not. You have to bite along with everyone else in this thread.
And you may want to take a peek at what you’re offering to nibble on . . .
Click here to see me, thanks to tatertot for posting these on her website.

Now I’ll only be checking in sporadically till I start feeling better, so please be patient while waiting for my response.

122

Actually the Droolers can be fun… depending on what you do to them.

Nevermind.

broccoli!

123

Crunchy, I’d already seen those pics – why d’you think I offered a kiss-n-nibble instead of a bite? :wink:

No, I didn’t drink a lot in college. I went to one of those private Christian schools, and we weren’t allowed to drink on OR off campus. Which is not to say I followed the rules strictly, but I didn’t think it was worth pushing it. Plus, I imagine it would be hard to a)Stage manage a show or b)Understand things like James Joyce while plastered. I mean, James Joyce while sober is hard enough! So I survived mostly on caffeine, sugar, and lack of sleep.

And yes, we really are waiting till marriage. Which is not to say we’re total prudes or something; we do our fair share of fooling around. Which sometimes makes us wonder why, exactly, we’re waiting till we’re married – and why we’re having a 20-month engagement!

Obviously, I am not of sound mind. I should fit in perfectly around here! :smiley:

Hope you feel better, Crunchy!

CHOMP

124

Actually, since you mentioned it… I need a new best friend! Will you be my Secret Santa present?

125

Crunchy,

An analyst is someone whose job is so weird that people can’t tell if they’re working or just screwing off, and I’m proud to keep it that way.

I didn’t say I was fat, I said I was large. Actually I’m large and fat, but I was large before I was fat…
Aw, the Hell with it. Make up your own joke.

Lucky for you.
Thanks for making me feel like one of the gang. (sorta)
Hope you feel better soon.

CHOMP

126

Well, I’m pretty new here…

I’m 18 and I live in Oregon, but unfortunatly in a part where it doesn’t rain. I make pottery and tie-dye socks, and I love great older music (paul simon, grateful dead, bob marley, etc…).

I also really like physics and math. My friends think I’m a nutcase and they’re probably right.

127

Congratulations, CrunchyFrog–I’ve been here since May, and have made over 2150 posts.

This is the LEAST convincing thing I’ve ever read! :stuck_out_tongue:

**
I, uh, think you just whooshed me. I’ve no clue what you’re talking about. Most of the females I try to score points with don’t live in my neck of the woods (most live on the east coast, particularly Florida for some reason). And, except for Grace and GolfWidow, they don’t have the slightest interest in football.

128

Let’s see here I’m a 19 year old college guy that attends Ball State University (go David Letterman). I work at a crappy computer lab on the university campus making a measley 5.15 an hour. I’ve got a wonderful girlfriend I’ve been with almost a year now. And I have an insatiable love for Eddie Izzard I’m not gay or anything but damn he is the man. I’ve been reading the Message Boards here for about 2 months now but just recently decided to join. Oh yeah I’m a bit off in the head so try not to upset me… just kidding ya’ll

129

Dear Mr. Frog sir:

So sorry to hear that you are ill. I hope you recover quickly. Also, congratulations on your engagement. (Perhaps you should let her drive the freakin’ car as a demonstration of the depth of your commitment.)

I’m a Chicago female, older than you. I do transactional law (deals, not litigation), and I am married with two kids. I admire perseverance in the face of failures and setbacks in life. (For instance, if a certain poster needed to quit smoking for his health, he shouldn’t get discouraged by backsliding, but should just get up and quit again.) In my “spare” time, I enjoy picking up children’s toys.

But enough about me. Have I mentioned that I enjoy the deadpan delivery and quick-paced comic timing of most of your posts?

Your Humble Servant

130

fun2d8

You mean wrap myself in a bow and sit on your doorstep, waiting for you to open the door and find your surprise even though it’ll probably be about 2 degrees outside and I’ll freeze to the porch and then dogs will mistake me for a fire hydrant and I catch frost bite and pnumonia all just to surprise you?

Yeah, all right.

Tie-Dye says:

The most interesting thing you said in that entire post was “tie-dye socks.” Not because that’s interesting, but just what the hell is the point of tie-dying socks? They’ll just be covered by shoes and pants.

You’re friends are right. Commit yourself now for the sake of humanity. I would ask you to bite me, but for some reason I fear you . . .

DRY seems confused:

Don’t worry about it. I don’t know what I’m talking about either. I haven’t had much sleep of late and I’m heavily medicated.

The Mighty Tiki God has this to say:

He he he . . . Ball State. You just made that up, didn’t you?

Really, you haven’t managed to get in air leaks in her yet? Do you just patch her up or is she made out of some new latex technology that stops air leaks?

Sure you’re not gay. Have you met Zebra and his pet cat Princess Penelope Prissypants? He says he’s not gay either, but look what he named his cat. You two should get along wonderfully together.

Humble Servant (wow! what a kiss-ass) grovels thusly:

You can call me Froggy. :wink:

Thank you. I’m getting better bit by bit. Thanks again. No freakin way in the lowest depths of hell is she driving my car! First of all, she doesn’t have a license. Second of all, she doesn’t know how to drive a stick shift. Third of all, NO, she can’t drive my car, it’s brand new!

Gee, who could you be talking about here, that’s so subtle . . . You want perseverance? Email me, I’ll tell you all about the car wreck and the physical therapy; the break up with my first fiance and the destruction of my credit rating; the decision to give up drugs and alcohol. Since I got out of the Air Force, God’s thrown more shit at me than the chimps at the San Diego Zoo. I’m done perervering, I want to sit around the house all day in my underwear scratching my balls, playing Playstation, and smoking so much, there’s smog in the living room. :stuck_out_tongue:

Flattery will get you nowhere. You must still bite me. Besides, you’re new, so you probably missed my favorite posts, anyway.

131

::blushing::

Oooh, you are the gentleman, Froggy. While I know I will never achieve the levels of obsequiousness shown by the true masters on this board, I persevere as best I can, and hope by humble emulation to honor them.

Oh, but I’ve lurked for a very looong time, Froggy[sub]Bratman[/sub], sir.

132

Crunchy Frog’s commentaries have greatly amused me, which is why I am dropping in for a sec to officially welcome him to my recently inaugurated Top 10 Favorite Dopers Club. As of right now, the only other residing member is Jester. When I have rounded up the selected individuals who will comprise such an exclusive group (and you can bet your ass–or bite it :D–it is exclusive, not even THE MASTER himself has qualified to join!) I will be holding an official ceremony to knight you all. Your official title will be Sir Crunchy Froggstein of The Ancient Order of Monty Python Lovin’ Amphibians, unless you want me to change it, which is your prerogative, Sir Crunchy.

WTF? You were rolling on the floor and managed to hit the keyboard with your head? Are you a giraffe or something? A mutated frog, perhaps? Boy, you must have a HUGE neck to reach the keyboard from the floor? Unless, of course, you type from the floor. Or maybe you type with your feet. Damn it, now I am getting confucius. .)

Anyway, since I have already surpassed the 3 month / 450 posts milestones, I don’t fashion myself as a newbie anymore but, just for the sake of reading your wit-intensive remarks, I will post some info–which might or not be entirely true, depending on who’s got control of my brain when typing, me or my evil alter-ego dark quasar. :smiley:

So, without further ado, here is a rather scarcely introspective look into my non-virtual, third-dimensional manifestation:

–24
–Costa Rican
–Procrastinator Extraordinaire
–Lakers Fan
–Considered by many of my friends as a likely candidate to be either The Antichrist, The Son of The Chupacabra or just another loony, wacky, son of a first-grade prostitute.
–Previous Incarnations: Jesus’s bastard half-brother Chris Cross, Louis XIV’s neglected sibling Philip, a.k.a. The Man Who Masturbates All Day in His Prison Cell, and the humble sun of Galileo Galilei and his sister, a.k.a. Galileo Galilei Galilei, among others.

Hope that gives you enough room to maneuver your wit around!

Crunchy Frog: I will take “Catchy Phrases” for a 1000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: Expression used to humble message board newbies. Yes, Mr. Frog?
Crunchy Frog: What is bite me?
Alex Trebek: Correct!
::buzzer sounds::
Alex Trebek: And that sound means we are out of time. Unfortunately Crunchy’s total of - $10000 won’t qualify him for Final Jeopardy.
Crunchy Frog: Bite my ass Alex.

For every reply to a post bearing this sig I am generously donating 1 cent to the International Center for the Cryogenic Preservation of Cecil Adams

133

Thanks Crunchy! I’d like a red velvet bow and I promise not to bite… well, maybe but only if you insist. :wink:

134

Ummmm . . . yeah. Great.
rushes off to find a dictionary.

Ok, as a lurker who apparently has read some of my posts, you must have at some point run across a mention or two of my military experience. I was an enlisted man. The enlisted do not answer to ‘sir’ Please do not call me sir again, m’kay? All friends here, no need to be nice to me, I haven’t been nice to anyone else here. Hell, I called Nymysys a toilet paper smear and I like her!

Quoth the quasar:

You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?

ok, ok, you caught me. I just typed a bunch of random letters and then said I hit my head, are you happy now? Will you sleep well at night? Will you let the matter drop?
For God’s sake, get off my back newbie! I’m trying the best I can over here and you just have to go and PICK ME APART LIKE A VULTURE! That’s it! I’ve had it! I’m through.

Sorry about the outburst. I feel better now, thank you. Where were we?

I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. The one thing you said that makes sense is that you’re a Lakers fan, which means nothing to me, since St Louis doesn’t have a basketball team. This entire post is of a rambling nature almost on par with Homer’s drunken monkey butler thread or his posts made after his experimentation with 'shrooms, except yours are nowhere near as entertaining. Do some more drugs and alcohol, then maybe you will reach that level of nonsensical perfection. Remember, acid can’t drop itself, kiddies.

fun2d8 - You didn’t tell me what high school you went to.

And a quick question - do you think there’s enough room to add this to my sig line (altered from my original response to Humble Servant?
“God’s thrown more shit at me than the chimps at the San Diego Zoo. I’m done peservering, I want to sit around the house all day in my underwear scratching my balls, playing Playstation, smoking cigarettes, and masturbating while watching lesbian porn. Now that’s a man’s life, mate.”

135

ponder Phillip Dick?
pulls frozen cat from her jacket and thrusts it towards god

“And What do you make of THIS!?!”

136

I’m a Eureka girl!

137

It just occured to me that I should probably contribute more to this thread than Dick references.

cough

So lets see. what should you know? Im in Phoenix… ya know, 200 miles from water, 2 feet from hell. Born in '78 making me a ripe old 22 yr old. gives you the granny from hell look Uhmm… I spend way too much time on the internet. I do internet tech support for a living. I spend alot of time trying to figure out web design in hopes of someday having a job where I NEVER have to explain what it means to “double click” an icon ever again.

I have terrible taste in movies and clothing.

I have an odd cd/mp3 collection (Everything from Otis Redding to Rage Against the Machine, NiN, Tori Amos, NOFX, Tool, Loreena McKennit, DMX… you name it…I’ve probably gone through a phase where I thought it would be a good idea to buy the cd)

I consider it bad form to describe my physical appearance (Makes me feel like Im putting up a personal ad) but Im too damned narcissistic to take down the plethora of pictures on my website.

In a word, conflicted.

138

Hmmm Crunchy is such a nice… yeah sure like I’m gonna say anything nice about him now! Actually it’ all good I know I need to take my licks on this board, but no I’m not kidding about Ball State. And yes I do have a girlfriend made of the newest latex technology, unlike my last one that only lasted a mere 3 weeks hmph! And about Zebra and his cat Princess Penelope Prissypants something or other well darn everyone has to have a hobbie I guess. If your wanting to throw some more punches my way I’ll be happy to give you an open shot. More about me is that I’ve lived in Indiana for about 7 years now before that it was ohio for 12. I’m a secondary education major (I’ll be teaching everyone’s children hehehe). And as a final note I’m a football fan and yes my favorite team is the world renowned losers the Cincinnati Bengals. Hope that gives you more to poke and prod at.

139

Let’s see, Froggy. That’d make it 10 lines with 4 links. Nah, not too long;). [sub]Might want to speel check that “p” word, though[/sub].

Psst, hey quasar. Ixnay on the knighthood thing. Froggy doesn’t like to be called “sir.”

[sub]BTW, I may be a kiss-ass, but I try to be an honest one. I meant what I said about enjoying your posts.[/sub]

140

Crunchy manifested,

in response to this:

Hmm, wonder what was so cryptic about my post. Let’s revise it:

24. O.K., 24. What could that be? 24 fingers? 24-inch penis? 24 years, perhaps?

Costa Rican. Lets check out our map, shall we? All right, just as I suspected, a country named Costa Rica. I will let this slide since C.R. is so small that an ant walking on your map might have obstructed your view and prevented you from finding it on the atlas. :slight_smile:

**Procrastinator Extraordinaire **. I am too lazy to explain this at length. :smiley:

Considered by many of my friends as a likely candidate to be either The Antichrist…: WTF? Where did that crap come from? O.K., now I am starting to see where your confusion could have originated.

Previous Incarnations: Jesus’s bastard half-brother Chris Cross,… Once again, WTF? Who wrote this shit? In the name of Loki, I swear I didn’t…

Hope that gives you enough room to maneuver your wit around! Ah, now I remember. All that crap I wrote had a purpose–or so I thought. I reasoned thusly: If Sir Crunchy was able to create so much creative and laugh-inducing material out of seemingly rational posts, what amazingly comedic gems could have sprung out of his prodigiously inventive mind if I gave him a bunch of senseless, ludicrous, and asinine stuff which he could twist around (maneuver around) in his unique, peculiar way?

At least that is how my fucked-up mind works; give me something crazy and I will come up with an even more ridiculous reply. Give me something serious and I will still make fun of it, but not as effectively.

Anyway, let’s continue, shall we kids?

As are most of my other 456 posts. :rolleyes:

First things first, links please? Those seem like good examples of the totally hilarious and wacky type of threads that I enjoy so much.

Secondly, my pride stepped on by a measly frog? A frog of all things? Why couldn’t it have been a roach, a skunk, even a used condom would have been acceptable, but…a frog? :smiley:

Quoting the Frog: I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about.

All this post-dissecting has stimulated my philosophical impetuses, as can be gathered by a quick glance at my newest sig.

Ah, the miracle of transubstantiation! The body and blood of Christ contained in a tiny, round wafer. When communion takes place, the Jesus-encapsulating wafer is swallowed, digested and…farted! O.K., now: Jesus is divine, He is an invaluable component of farts, can all of this mean that…Farts are divine? In the name of all that is holly…WTF?
Moral of the story: never, under any circumstances abort a fart. You might be keeping Jesus prisoner in your ass. Somehow, I don’t think He would appreciate that. :smiley: