Something that I always think about every autumn, as baseball enters the playoffs and the Chicago Cubs, once again, have gone home to weep. We Cub fans, of course, are nursing the longest champiionship drought in the sport, now going on 93 years (last WS win was in 1908). We in/from Chicago always like to joke that this just means Jesus isn’t returning to Earth for another year, because surely the Cubs winning the series is a sign of the coming End Times.
I mean hey, why not? The Christian Doomsayers have been touting the creation of the Israeli State as prophecy dogma, even though Revelations doesn’t mention it. As long as we’re throwing reason out the door, as religion is wont to do, why not customize our own personal Seven Signs Of Doom? Here are mine:
The winning of the World Series by the cursed, renounced-of-God Chicago Cubs.
The complete cessation of any and all “Gilligan’s Island” episodes broadcast in syndication to the television-watching tribes of the Earth.
The sensible adoption of the metric measuring system by all industries in the United States, including truck drivers.
The death of the Prophet Dick Clarke.
The creation of a male American movie star of Asian ethnicity who knows not of the kung fu arts but is admired and loved because he sleeps with white women.
The occurrence of a 24-hour period in which all English-speaking media peoples of the world correctly use the words “ironic” and “hopefully.”
The arrival, from American Vending Industries Inc, of the $15.00 refund owed me from the change-machine in the student union of the University of Illinois Champaign-Urbana, into which I fed a $20 bill only to receive $5 in quarters in July of 1986.
Thus sayeth the book of Karellen. Amen.
China recognizes Taiwan as a free and independent nation. And then bombs it.
The Supreme Court rules that [American] football is unConstitutional. Other nations follow suit by outlawing soccer. Butter sculpting becomes the world’s most popular spectator sport.
All science and ancient history books are burned in favor of L. Ron Hubbard. Millions roll over in their graves simultaneously, causing an imperceptible change in the Earth’s magnetic field.
Microsoft paints Windows logo on the moon. The moon, unable to bear the humiliation, explodes, sending flaming chunks of rock directly at Redmond. Earth loses one moon and one very pissy company, but eventually gains a kick-ass ring.
Disastrous genetic anomalies are released on the world’s horrified population after Hasbro’s Mad Geneticist Laboratory becomes the hottest Christmas gift. Flocks of flying pigs terrify nation, causing airline crashes and making things generally smelly. Flaming bats that migrate daily between Phoenix and the earth’s core make for cool music videos.
Hollywood unanimously agrees to eliminate female nudity in films in favor of exclusively male nudity. The entire film industry immediately collapses. California, ashamed of itself, falls into the ocean.
World peace breaks out. Ironically, the sun mysteriously burns out exactly one minute later.
[list=1][li]I say I am. The chair hears.[/li]
[li]Sesame Street’s Ernie inexplcably appears in pro-Donald Rumsfeld rally posters.[/li]
[li]“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s my privilege and honor to introduce to you the President of the United States, Byron Allen.”[/li]
[li]I pay a lot for this muffler.[/li]
[li]Star Wars: Attack of the Clones debuts in theaters worldwide; audiences and critics agree movie needed more scenes featuring Jar Jar Binks.[/li]
[li]Evidence is found suggesting that somebody doesn’t like Sara Lee.[/li]
“I’d like to thank the Academy, my beautiful wife and kids, Chris, Richard, Vinessa, Matthew, producers Robert Simonds and Tracey Trench, and the entire cast of crew of Corky Romano… this one’s for you, guys!”[/list=1]
The SO actually responds to an email. Within a week.
Danny Bonaduce’s return to television in a dramatic series.
Drew Barrymore and Tom Green start having children.
The band Kajagoogoo makes its triumphant return to the music world, knocking The Backstreet Boys, N’Sync, and O-Town out of the Top 50.
Supermodels everywhere decide that being ultra-thin is not healthy, quit dieting, and immediately balloon out to their normal body weight of 150 pounds or so.
Richard Simmons marries a woman, and starts doing porn. :eek:
People quit quoting Nostradamus whenever something happens, as the True Prophet, Carrot Top, makes himself known.
Sweet Jeez, Scylla, you seriously had me there. I had Cranky’s post all quoted & ready to go, I was about to wax smackosophical about “What, doesn’t your Ctrl-F work?” when I realized. Spectacular use of understatement.
[sub]And please, please tell me I was right in second-guessing myself…[/sub]***
There shall, in that time, be rumours of things going astray, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o’clock.
