Dad, how do I put this? You're screwing yourself.

Dearest Dad:

Three years ago you were my role model. If anyone asked me, I would describe you as kind, fair, smart and savvy. But these days, I tell people that I’d rather not discuss what’s going on with you.

Every time I see you, which is working out to be about once or twice a month, you get upset about your divorce and end up in a heated discussion of the “Divorce Issue du Jour” with me. I wish I could give you advice, but my advice is going to be wasted on you if you insist on acting like such an idiot.

Dad, I don’t know quite how to say this another way. You’re not enjoying your retirement because you’re acting like an idiot. For 35 years you were married to Mom. For the last two years of that relationship, you lived in the same house with her(albeit in a different bedroom) and didn’t speak a word to her unless it was an emergency. Then you moved out after telling Mom to “Get a lawyer.”

Now, you’re constantly bitching to me about the “status quo.” Yes, I do think it’s remarkably unfair that the judge forced you to pay the mortages on both your house and Mom’s. Yes, I think it sucks for you that you have to pay all the bills while Mom gets half of your retirement pension, leaving you with essentially nothing. But none of this is my fault.

We’ve been over this dozens of times. If you want to bring your divorce case to a speedy conclusion, you can do one of two things:

  1. Reach a settlement out of court, or
  2. Have a judge decide everything.

Neither of these two things will happen unless you speak to your lawyer, which you refuse to do. I’ve told you dozens of times that only your lawyer possesses the requisite skills to draw up an actionable settlement agreement. I’ve told you an equal number of times that the “status quo” will prevail until you speak with your lawyer, give him some guidance and order him to start working toward a conclusion to this whole ridiculous thing.

Stop complaining to me that Mom doesn’t give a shit that you don’t have any money. I know she doesn’t give a shit. Why would she give a shit about what’s happening to you? She gets half your pension for spending money, while you have to pay all the bills with your share. While that sounds ridiculously unfair, you’re not trying at all to bring about a resolution because you refuse to talk to your lawyer.

I can appreciate that you dislike it intensely when your lawyer bills you $200 an hour. I know you think they’re all bloodsucking thieves. But guess what? The “status quo” is going to continue until either you speak to your lawyer or the judge overseeing the case decides he’s had enough of your delays and continuances and decides the matter with minimal input from you. In either case, you’re screwing yourself and thus forfeit all rights to complain and bitch about it. Especially to me.

So stop it already. Don’t ask me to speak to Mom on your behalf anymore. Don’t rant and rave and explain your current financial situation to me for the 8 millionth time. Don’t blame anyone but yourself. You were the one who spoke those three magic words (“Get a lawyer.”) and brought this shitstorm down on your own head. You started this. Don’t blame me if you can’t finish it.

Suck it up, talk to your lawyer and take it like a man.

Love,
Your Son