I love you, you know I do. And I appreciate you trying to help me find a job and get on my feet… but keeping tabs on me constantly and then calling to bitch me out on the phone doesn’t help.
Yes, I was late for work last night. But let me tell you a couple of things. 1) I have just started the night shift. My body is adjusting. I’m doing my damndest to get up and get there on time and be a good little drone. So far I have managed well. It’s only the second week and only once I have overslept. Last night. Which leads to 2) One of my very good friends lost his Grandmother. This guy isn’t very likely to cry, but he showed up at my place looking totally wasted from lack of sleep and on the verge of tears. So I stayed up an extra hour to snuggle with him and let him know that it’s okay.
Now you may think that helping friends is not important. But know what? I’m the caregiver type. He needed snuggling and comfort so I gave that to him. I wasn’t really tired anyway, so when I went to bed I stayed up another hour trying to get to sleep! Which pisses me off. I then slept through my alarm clock waking when I should have left the house. I called them immediately to let them know I had missed my bus, and was on my way. I arrived 30 minutes late.
You called me up today while I was sound asleep to bitch me out, while I was trying to sleep for work. To tell me that if I lose my job over this that you will not give me any money. Know what? You have given me pretty much nothing for the past 8/9 years anyway so why think I would expect you to now? I never expected you to buy me groceries like you have been sometimes. The only time I ever asked you for any money I paid back most of it and you told me not to worry about the rest. I still plan to pay you back though. I have never asked for help with my bills. Never asked for help with rent. I have not been freeloading like you seem to think I have.
Yes I’ve run into snags but I’m 20 and on my own for the first time. I couldn’t live with Grandma anymore, though I tried. I don’t want to move back in with Mom because I like the city I am in. But why the fuck do you think I will come crawling to you for help? Since the divorce my brother has been your little baby. You’ve given him everything, and he seems well able to meet up to your standards. Well I can’t. I’m doing my best here to go to school and pay my bills… which is not fun on a graveyard shift but I have been managing as best I can so far.
I’m glad you seem to have finally taken an interest in my life but know what? It’s too little too late. I know we lived far apart. I know that I remind you of Mom. I also know I pushed you away, but you didn’t help matters by always being this assholish man who insisted I grow up and be the proper older sister. It was hard on my brother, but it was hard on me too trying to protect him from the ravages of the divorce.
I am starting to get my life together and you are not helping by bitching me out. I am not getting back to sleep today. Meaning I have slept only 8 hours in the past 24. Meaning I am damn glad it’s Saturday tomorrow because I can sleep all fucking day once I get off work. Oh right… if I’m not fired as you so nicely told me. The day manager who hired me saw my time card. She saw I was half an hour late. She only asked if I was adjusting okay. I have been so far, but switching to graveyards is going to be a little tough on the body.
So just… just fuck off. Leave me to my life. If I have to I’ll call you up to have you put my stuff in your basement and I’ll hop a bus back to Mom’s. Just stop acting all high and mighty asshole on me and let me do what I need to do. If that is fall… well so be it. I’ll fall. I’ve done it before it won’t hurt me again.
Now I am going to attempt to relax in the 4.5 hours before I have to be at work so I don’t shake so much I drop coffee all over myself or someone else. Thank you so much for the added stress.