Last night, my 4 year old son refused to eat his dinner after several warnings and plenty of time. When I told him he would not be allowed to watch any television or have any snacks, he said the six words I never wanted to hear, “Daddy, I don’t like you anymore.” I spun around and ordered him to his room, loudly and angrily. I followed him upstairs, and made sure he went there. I told him to get into bed, that it was now bedtime (it was 7:45, he usually goes to bed around 9:30). He continued to scowl at me, and flopped over to turn his back on me.
I went back downstairs, told my wife what happened, and left to get the grocery shopping done.
When I got back, he was sitting at the kitchen table, clean plate and all, and said “Daddy, I’m very sorry I said I didn’t like you anymore.” I told him how it hurt my feelings and that I didn’t want him to say it ever again. He hugged me and kissed me, then suckered me into giving him a cookie.
I found out that he stayed in his room for about 10-15 minutes after I left, and came out looking for me. My wife said that he said he wanted to tell me something, but wouldn’t tell her what. He then went into the kitchen and began eating.
My question to Doper parents is, what did you do the first time your kid said something like that? I know I’ll hear it again, and that (like this time) it will be said only to get a rise out of me, but it sucks hearing it for the first time.
The first time my son said it to me he was around 4, too. I had just had a baby. Misskid3 in fact. I was in the hospital and the other two kids had come to see me. I know that when you are four you don’t quiet understand that parents don’t pick the gender of the baby they have. Here is a bit of the coversation.
Me: I am so happy to see you. Did you guys see your new baby sister?
Kyle: I don’t like her. I want a brother
Me: Honey, we can’t pick what you get, her name is Emily. I am sure she loves you
Kyle: ::: crying ::: her name isn’t Kate?
Me: No, we decided to name her something else.
Kyle: I don’t like you. I wanted a brother, and you didn’t name the baby the name I liked.
He made me cry. He would not have anything to do with me for the rest of the visit.
Hah! Just wait until the kid shouts, “I HATE you!”.
Seriously, it is very painful to hear those words, especially the first time. This is what I did and still do, though I don’t hear those hurtful words very often anymore. In a very calm, deliberate voice, I state the following:
“I am so sorry you feel that way, because I love you VERY, VERY much”. “You know, I sometimes get very frustrated or upset with things you say and do, but I would NEVER, and will never, say something like you just said to me.”
Usually, this would shut them down for the moment. Both of my kids would go off for awhile and think about that, and have ALWAYS, ALWAYS, come back and apologized.
My daughter never said anything like that but by the look in her eyes sometimes I knew she often thought it.
My son however, regularly said “I hate you” over a number of years and I always replied “I’m sorry you feel that way because I really love you”.
Later when he was receptive, I would talk with him and tell him that when he uses those words it is very hurtful but it was okay to say "I’m really angry with you ". Didn’t work though, he knew the other was more effective so why not go for the big guns.
My daughter hasn’t quite mastered talking, but I know that when/if she ever tells me that she doesn’t like me, it will break my heart.
I told my mom that I hated her once. Of course I didn’t actually hate my mom, I love her very much, but I was very angry with her for one reason or another, and at the moment, I hated the way she was acting. This was well over 10 years ago, but I can still remember when and where it happened, and looking back on it now, as a mother, I can’t believe I could ever say anything like that to my mom. I’m sure I apologized at the time, but now I want to call her up and apologize again.
No kids here, but I used to be an elementary school teacher. I’d hear it every so often from a kid, and my experience was that they always came around later on. I was not a mean teacher, although I did have a high expectation for behavior and such. So sometimes they’d get ticked off when there was a conflict.
I’d do what some of the parents have said here in this thread. Something like, “Well I like you very much, although I don’t care for the way you acted in class today. Please fix it and I’m sure we’ll get along fine.”
They never stayed mad at me. Kids seem to want to like adults, although it seems to get easier for them to dislike as they get older.
I remember that when I would tell my mom that I didn’r like her she would always respond with “I may not always like you, but I will always love you”. But I remember the first time I told my mom I hated her, I could see that it hurt her very much (the reaction I was looking for at the time) but I felt SO bad afterwards I ended up crying and telling her I was sorry.
I remember not being able to say it. I knew it was an option ( how many sit coms kids use that line on the way to the sappy ending?), and sometimes it came to mind as a tactic when I was really pissed, but I always knew I’d feel incredibly guiltly if I said it, especially since even in full tantrum mode I knew I didn’t mean it.
If I said it, I don’t remember it. If I said it, I’m sorry, Mum.
I would just like to point out that that is the most precious little kid! He clearly regretted it and wanted to make it up to you. Man, I’m "awwwww"ing.
“Well, son, I’ve never really liked you. I was going to keep you around, since you seemed to like me, but if you don’t, that’s alright, we’re going to send you to the orphanage.”
Geez, my son is four years old, and I’m already been innundated with the “I hate yous” so much that I’ve completey shrugged off the silly things. Usually it’s just an angry go-away-and-don’t-bother-me whine, but sometimes I’ll get “go away, Daddy,” or “I hate you, Daddy,” or just a loud “NO!” Most of these incidents come when I tell him to do something he doesn’t want, such as going to bed, eating his dinner, or stop stealing paperclips from my desk drawer.
Not that it bothers me; I’ll just say, “Okay, then I won’t play with you/read you a story/keep you company,” and then he throws an even bigger tantrum trying to get me back.
Still, I have to admit, I can’t wait for him to get out of this “tempermental” phase and get into a good ol’-fashioned “obedient kid” phase. That’s coming soon, right? Right??? :eek:
i am not a parent. but it seems like a young child (a four-year-old!) should be able to express his feelings without getting an angry reaction. that would teach him to keep his mouth shut, but don’t even imagine that it would change how he feels. i would think it’s a good sign that he’s actually trying to use words to communicate his feelings, rather than throwing a tantrum etc. he’s experimenting with a new way to approach the world. how much would it cost you to talk to him? “why do you feel that way?”, “do you think you’ll feel that way tomorrow?,” “would you still feel that way if you didn’t have to finish dinner?,” etc. tell him YOU love HIM no matter what, and he’s allowed to feel bad sometimes. HE’S 4!
also, i don’t understand battles about kids and food. how would you feel if your boss told you “it’s noon, eat your lunch right now, and i’m not paying you until you swallow every crumb! and by the way, we’re serving raw squid!” why doesn’t the kid get to say “i’m not hungry right now,” or “i don’t like brussels sprouts”? too many kids have eating disorders already to make meal-time a war zone.
There are much worse reactions I could have had than angrily ordering him to his room.
We talked about what he said. He knew it was wrong before this discussion, otherwise he would not have come out of his room to look for me to apologize. We also discussed the death of his grandmother last month, which was a much more difficult conversation than one about him saying “I don’t like you” to his parents when he is angry.
You seem to assume I don’t tell him this already. Poor assumption to make about someone you don’t know.
Exactly. And bright enough to know the basics of right and wrong. Also, he’s at the age where he is being taught proper social skills. Telling someone you hate them when he is angry at them is not a lesson I will allow him to learn. YMMV.
A ridiculous analogy involving adults who know better, not children who are learning.
Because he would eat a whole bag of Jax or container of Pringles if allowed. Most kids would. My opinion is if he is hungry, he will eat the nutritious dinner my wife has prepared for the family (meat, potato, vegetable…) or he can eat a bowl of fruit or a cup of yogurt. He can have snacks after dinner, not instead of it.
My son will eat a decent dinner before he is allowed to have snacks. That has been the rule in my house for a long time, and he knows it. If he is not hungry, that’s fine. We’ve excused him from the table several times or he’d eat a bowl of watermelon or grapes or an apple instead.
My OP asked what other parents reactions were to the first time their child said “I don’t like you.” It did not ask for opinions on how you feel I should raise my child.
There was a period where my daughter’s comback was
“Ok, unloved dad”
“Or I’ll just call you ‘unloved’ from now on.”
This from the same kid who, when I called her in for lunch, went “Hmm… is there macaroni & cheese involved?” Pretty much everything she said at that age was hilarious. Four year olds are such drama queens.
The first conversation of this type with my oldest went something like this:
Her (about 3 years old): I hate you!
Me: Well, I’m sorry to hear that. But I love you. I hope you’ll change your mind about hating me, but even if you always hate me, I’ll still be your mommy, and I’ll still always love you very, very much"
Her: Oh.
It was like she didn’t know what to say. I’m sure it wasn’t the reaction she was expecting. Worked like a charm, though.
