Dammit, stop playing with those stupid Teddy Bears!

The BBQ Pit
1

Kmart got in a group of teddy bears-but not just ANY teddy bears. They’re “Proud to Be American” Teddy Bears. They’re dressed as:
A fireman
A police officer
An army guy

Sounds cute, right? Well, I thought so. They ARE cute.

However…when you press their hands, they play, “God Bless the USA” (well, to be fair, only the chorus).

What fucking moron decided to place them right up front by the checkouts?

Good GOD! I hate that fucking song. I mean, fine, people want to listen to it, to see what it sounds like.

But some think it’s cute to start turning on ALL the bears-and so I’m left with a huge row of singing bears all playing “God Bless the USA” in a round!!!

I’ve made it a point to go over and turn off the bears as soon as people walk away. Also, when the kids start turning them ALL on-they do it to be funny-I specifically ask them NOT to do so-I simply say, “I don’t mind if you want to hear it, but please only play one bear at a time-the batteries are starting to run low.”

And they ARE! I don’t know what’s worse-hearing “God Bless the USA” over and over and over, or hearing it in a low, slow, unwinding voice of a low-battery tape player!
And parents just look at their kids like it’s cute!

What the fuck, people! When I was little, I KNEW better than to start playing and messing with stuff in stores that didn’t belong to me! To be fair, most of the parents say the same things to the kids. But the kids look at me like, “Yeesh, you have no sense of fun”

You know what? I no longer care about customers or kids. I only care about my sanity! And my sanity says that if I have to keep hearing that fucking song, someone’s goin’ in the wood chipper!

AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

2

…crosses Big Mouth Billy Bass off of Guin’s birthday gift list…

3

I hear you, man, I hear you. As a veteran of the Borders kids’ department, I know well that no child presses the button, thinks “Oh, it plays a song, how neat” and leave it alone. They have to press every button in sight, over and over and over and over again.

There’s a special place in hell for people who invented the books with the little noisemaking buttons, believe you me.

4

And what about those stupid “Singing Santas” and other seasonal noisemaking crap that are noise/motion activated? There you are walking through a store and suddenly a psychotic-sounding Christmas tree starts singing at you, or a ghost shouts at you.

5

Aargh! Singing Santas… shiver My dad brought one back from the States four years ago, just in time for Christmas. He thought it was hilarious. I think it is the most morbid ornament I have ever seen. A disembodied Santa Claus head with glassy blue eyes and an eerie fixed grin. And that ¤%&!!# motion sensor. Dad rigged it up in the upstairs bathroom without telling me. I went to the bathroom at 2 a.m. and damn near climbed up the wall when the thing started up with its “Ho ho ho! Meeeerrry Christmas!” number. Gaah…

6

Here’s the odd thing: we’ve taken the bear, a fairly deadly creature when provoked, and made him into the cute, huggable teddy bear. Then, we’re putting him in military gear, presumably to make him a badass once again.

What goes around comes around, I guess.

Oh, and whoever decided to manufacture such an abomination should be shot.

Dr. J

7

I wonder about these things. Why does it so often seem to be the case that these mechanically sung or played songs are real OLDIES, hoary with age? I was in a Sav-On not long ago, and they had a stuffed monkey that sang Who Put The Bomp In The Bomp Bomp Bomp, and not long before I saw some other kind of stuffed animal that played the organ part to Light My Fire!

I don’t get it…it took them 41 and 35 years respectively to put these songs inside of stuffed animals?

8

I think all singing novelty items are bordering-on-criminal annoying…but I laughed out loud when I read your post, auRa.

9

It’s not the bears, so much as people messing with them, and thinking it’s funny to play them all at once.

Don’t they have any consideration?

10

Apparently not.

I’ve always wondered how sales clerks could stand working in stores with stuffed animals singing constantly. A few months ago, my parents’ local drugstore was packed with things that sang and danced and talked to passersby, many of them with motion detectors. I can’t think of anything worse to hear for 8 hours a day.

11

Good God. This reminds me of the time when I was working at OfficeMax. We had a display of refrigerator magnets (which could just as easily be affixed to filing cabinets, hence their being sold in an office supply store). These magnets had little plastic devices on them that, when activated, would make a sound, for example, a cell phone that would sound like a cell phone ringing when it was opened. The worst one was a handheld mirror that would emit a screaming sound when its cover was opened. I cannot explain in mere words how damn annoying these things were, especially the screaming mirror. As these were intended as an impulse purchase item (“Hey, that looks neat, I’ll get one!”) the display was near the checkouts, within earshot of the electronics department where I worked. It didn’t matter if it was kids or adults looking at them, they just had to set off every freakin’ one of those things! About half of the ones people bought returned them claiming they were defective anyway. Either that, or they thought it was cute in the store, but got tired of their kids or their coworkers playing with it all day long and then purposely broke it so that they could say that it was defective.

I can only wonder what Toys R’ Us employees have to endure on a daily basis.

12

I’d like to relate an experience that the OP reminded me of.

I was shopping at Christmas time at a CVS pharmacy, and up near the cash register was a singing tree. This fucking thing was SO LOUD that I could hear it in the back of the store!! Loud!

I shopped for about 20 minutes and each time it went off it set my teeth on edge again and again. (I may have been PMS or just holiday stress) Whatever it was, I was so damned annoyed that I decided to buy my stuff and get the fuck outta there.

So I get in line (which is 10 deep, I kid you not). That Goddamned tree is relentlessly shouting out those tinny christmas carols from it’s smiling maw. After two songs while I was in line, I put my basket down in my line spot, walked up to the register, removed the batteries from the tree and set them down on the counter.

I got back in line and got applause. The cashier thanked me for registering the “complaint” and said that it was the only way to get the manager to allow it to be turned off.

Zette

13

When I worked for JoAnn Fabrics, we would have to display all the Sonic Windsocks at Halloween, all with batteries installed and turned on. Many of them only screamed when touched, and we hung them as high as possible so they wouldn’t get bumped, but despite that they went off far too often for our sanity. But there would always be some bored husband with kids, waiting for mom to get fabric cut, who would intentionally set them all off over and over and over and over…just what everyone needs at the end of a long day…shrieking windsocks and squealing kids. Of course, they never buy one, because Mom won’t have that piece of crap in her home, but Dad apparently thought it was the funniest thing in the world…

14

Just for Guinastasia:

If tomorrow all the things were gone
I’d worked for all my life, And I had to start again
with just my children and my wife,
I’d thank my lucky starsto be living here today,
'Cause the flag still stands for freedom and they can’t take that away.

I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free,
And I won’t forget the men who died who gave that right to me,
And I gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today,
'Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land
God Bless the U.S.A.

From the lakes of Minnesota to the hills of Tennessee,
Across the plains of Texas from sea to shining sea.
From Detroit down to Houston, and New York to L.A.,
There’s pride in every American heart and it’s time we stand and say:

I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free,
And I won’t forget the men who died who gave that right to me,
And I gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today,
'Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land
God Bless the U.S.A.
::flees::

15

You know Guin, someday you’ll look back on all this and just laaaaaaugh!

Or not.

It reminds me of the time, ages and ages ago, when McDonalds gave out those plastic accordian tubes that make that shrill whistle sound. Imagine a restaurant packed with about 35 kids ALL blowing on those wretched tubes. Mom said, “I bet they rue the day they gave those out.”

Haven’t seen them since, but then it’s been awhile since I had a Happy Meal.

16

The next time I come into contact with any novelty item that makes any noise, whatsoever, I will eat it.

This also goes for children’s books that make noise. For some strange reason, two consecutive little brothers chose as their favorite book (requiring reading after reading) a Disney book where Pluto goes missing. After enduring five years of Mickey Mouse going “whistle whistle whistle Heeeeere, Pluto!” over and over and over and over and over again, it’s a wonder I haven’t gone deaf.

But why, oh why, do these abominations have such long-lasting batteries, when my alarm clock requires a new one every month?

17

Talking ornaments were responsible for the most apocalyptic portion of my Christmas season last year.

I was in a hardware store trying to buy something, not even Christmas-related. I was nearly broke, exhausted, and the clerk discovered some kind of hold on my card. I had to stay on hold for ten minutes with the card company before they would let the transaction clear.

During this whole time, there was this display filled with bright, flashing, loud automatic Santas all clamouring in a variety of irritation subroutines. After having to endure these monstrosities while humiliated and on hold trying to get access to what little remained of my money, I was at the end of my rope. I remember distinctly thinking, This cannot possibly get any worse.

The manager walked up to the display and, without provocation, activated an automatic Pinocchio that I’d previously failed to notice. It lit up, ground with mechanisms. My world teetered and stood still, and I felt like the third-class passengers on the Titanic watching the iceberg drift up. [sub]It’s worse.[/sub]

The little mouth flapped open, and the thing started to shriek this appalling Christmas pseudocarol, at about twelve octaves above middle C. CHRISTMAS IS A VEEERYYYYY SPECIAL TIME OF YEEEEEAAAAAAR!!!

It continued to yowl, adding its prepubescent, tinny scream over the caterwauling of the Santas and the canned muzak of the card people. I nearly burst into tears right there in the store. But what could I do? I was trapped on the phone. I had to endure that little torture device until it was good and finished. I had my transaction approved, fled the store, and hid under the bed.

That day will haunt my nightmares to my dying hour.

18

I have a teddy bear in my bathroom that sings “I’m a super duper pooper” and wiggles around when you squeeze it’s paw. HA I love it :slight_smile:

Having the Chorus-O-Teddies sounds annoying, but at least it isn’t the wierd cookie jar thing that plays the Gilligan’s Island theme when you open the lid, which I saw at Target last week. GOd that was truly awful.

19

…adds Big Mouth Billy Bass to Guin’s birthday gift list…

20

I would like to formally apologize to all of you on behalf of all mothers whose children do this, because I know mine will, given half a chance (I do try not to let them have that half-chance). I was once searching for the right kind of cold tablets at Walgreens when I heard a cacaphony in the center aisle, where someone had apparently set off a bunch of little bears that played “Kung Fu Fighting” while twirling little nunchucks (sp?). It wasn’t until my nine-year-old tapped me on the arm and appealed to me to disentangle one of the bears from her hair that I realized just whose children were being obnoxious brats.

As for “God Bless The USA,” if you think it’s obnoxious/silly/strange coming from a teddy bear, you should see a nine-year-old girl (yes, the same one) singing and signing it. Although I suppose it’s nice that she’s loyal to her children and her wife as well as her country.