so, i don’t know what to do here. i’m 20, not ready for any sort of commitment. theres this attractive girl here at work who’s been hitting on me. i’m attracted to her, but have a few problems. dilemna #1 - she has a kid. i don’t know how old, the only thing i know is that she isn’t with the father. dilemna #2 - she’s one of my not-so-good-but-i-still-don’t-want-to-make-him-mad-at-me-friend. and he has already told me in a ambiguous way to stay away from her (the way that i would tell someone that was my friend that i didn’t really care if they dated my sister but was giving them shit about it, if you know what i mean). should i ask this girl out, or stay away?
She might not be “hitting on you.” She could be “only flirting.” It’s hard to tell, I know. I would guess that if you’re not ready for commitment, you’d be better off not dating her – a woman with a child needs a man who is ready for some kind of commitment.
As for your friend (he’s dating her, right?), while he has no business telling you (or her) who you may date, it may be better to avoid a confrontation with him (over her) if you are not going to be hugely committed to this woman.
My advice? Don’t date her. Just be friends – that sort of relationship can by itself be extremely rewarding. And maybe she has a cute friend…
she’s my friend’s sister, is what i meant to say. i was talking to her when i was typing, probably not the best idea…
If she’s your friend’s sister, then it might be best to ‘listen’ to him if he suggests that you not date her. He may know something you don’t about her personal situation. So, my advice remains: stay away. Good luck.
That sentence should read “Stay away from dating her.”
i think you may be right. its just a little hard to control myself, what with all the testosterone going around in my body. when he confronted me about it first, i defended myself by saying, ‘SHE was flirting with ME!’ he surprised me by coming back with, ‘you think i don’t know that? i’ve known her for 20 years!’
amati, I would stay away from this situation, it could get complicated. Keep her and her brother as friends.
As to the dating-people-with-kids thing. I never thought too much about it, but when I found myself single (divorced) in my mid-thirties, I dated several men with kids. One guy I was with for seven months had his 8 year old son every weekend. We did a lot of stuff with Danny, had a geat time, & the kid really became attached to me. His mom was a bit of a mess…alcoholic, various financial & legal messes, dated quite indiscriminately. Eight yr old Danny had very little stability in his life. When I broke up with his father, I felt really badly about “abandoning” Danny.
After that, I was very careful not to get involved with the children of people I dated. I didn’t meet my current SO’s kids until we got definitely serious…about a year into our relationship.
I agree with AlbertRose. A brother who waves you off has somebody’s best interests at heart, and no matter whose they are, you should listen to him. There’s too many other fish in the sea, amati. That’s Latin, right?
The brother would probably wave anybody off(WAG here). Don’t let the fact she has a kid put you off. If you would date her w/o the kid, you can date her with the kid.
My suggestion is stay away awhile. If you have as many reservations as you seem to have already, why push it?
damn, it’s just so hard when she flirts with me like that… damn! i’m not used to turning someone down…
kneadtoknow, it’s actually the last name of the first well known violin maker and his sons (several generations), who were also violin makers. very fine instruments. stradivarius, although not a family member, was taught by this family.
Cool. I thought maybe it was somewhere in the amo, amas, amat conjugation. It’s been a long time since freshman Latin, but I thought maybe you were having some fun in the subjunctive voice.
Do stuff for her kid. You know buy him things that he enjoys, play with him, pretty soon she think that you’ll be a wonderful partner. This only works well on younger women though cause older ones already know this game.
Supergirlfriend has two kids: SuperKimberlee and SuperAndrew. SuperKimberlee is almost four, and SuperAndrew is two. Adorable kids. SuperAndrew pretty much took right to me, but Superkimberlee was a tougher nut to crack. A year or so ago, she was molested in day care, and she’s since been to therapy, but she’s still real withdrawn around strangers. She’s starting to open up around me, though.
Something like that happened to me as well. I dated a girl with a daughter who was IIRC 4 years old. I got along really well with the youngin, but we broke up two years ago, and the I hear that the little girl still asks, “Where’s Jay?” And I must say I felt like quite a heel because of it, even though the breakup was mutual.
That said, amati, I’ll second the others who suggested that the fact of her having a child shouldn’t be a deterrent in and of itself.
A lady wrote a book on how to do this…
WTF?
Okay, do not listen to handy, unless you are looking to, as was eloquently said in Jerry Macquire, “shoplift the pooty.”
Ok, if she’s hitting on you and you like her, maybe you should go out. Be wary though, if it seems she is looking for a replacement daddy.
What I’m betting, though, is that she has been out of the “game” for a while and, like other 20-years olds, just wants to have some fun. Problem is, she has a child.
Can you date a woman without feeling the affects of the child? It’s possible. Can she date you with the same? Nope. Odds are, IMO, that she just wants to act like a normal 20-something. Not a bad thing, really, and there is no reason you should not see her (unless her brother was trying to wave you off because she has “issues,” but that goes w/o saying, right?)
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The girl is already flirting with him, he doesn’t need to do shit to try to win her over. He only needs to act, toward her, as he would normally. Doing stuff for the child to try and hook up with the mother is false, tricksterish, and altogether lower than dirt.
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[Edited by TVeblen on 06-21-2001 at 10:11 PM]