I don’t respond favorably (not nastily, just not in the affirmative) to guys who try to “pick me up” when my 4 yr old daughter is with me. It doesn’t bother me if a guy makes a flattering comment (like “You look nice today” or something equally unsuggestive) without leering. I do not, no matter how attractive, give out my number/take theirs or accept a date with someone who approaches me in a public place when my daughter is with me. For one thing, I’m trying to teach her caution about strangers and I also like to keep my dating strictly separate from her until I find someone I’m reasonably certain I’d like to spend the rest of my life with.
Also, I know men who, when I’m alone or with some girlfriends, can be kinda vulgar when trying to get some “action”, but when my daughter (or another child) is around they’re much more restrained and respectful.
My questions are: Do any of you have a “policy” similar to mine? Do any of you change your “pick-up” practice when approaching someone with a child as opposed to someone alone or in a peer group?
Granted, I don’t date a whole lot, but it seems to me that any guy that is crass enough to hit on you NEXT TO A 4-YEAR OLD might not be worth looking into.
Let me ask this to you: When else could the guy try to get your number/give you his/try to get a date? If it’s someone you don’t know, then you may never see him again. You say that you’re looking for someone to spend your life with, right? This guy could be him. But you wouldn’t know because he approached you when your daughter was there. And that’s not his fault. You’ve automatically eliminated this guy from contention because you forgot to put your diaphragm in. How do you think he feels, knowing that he can’t go out with you because he happened to be in the same place you were at the same time, only you had your child there? Sorry if I come across as insensitive, but I think you’re just picking nits. I don’t have any sympathy for you in this instance. I don’t think you should judge guys on whether you have your child present.
Not to judge your policy, but at least they are comfortable with you having a child and don’t mind that she exists.
If Mr. Otherwise-Perfect loves you but would rather ignore your kid’s existance, is this a good thing? Are you more comfortable with people who would never asked for your number if they knew you had a kid?
I understand not wnating anything untoward happing around your daughter, but if the guy is being personable, respectful and kind…what’s the harm?
There’s a big gap between a gentle and respectful expression of interest in you as a person and “Yo, you got a sweet ass, wanna knock boots Friday?”
The second I would find unwelcome with or without a four year old there. (Its just beyond the pale with the kid) The first is a decent example of how people should behave when interested.
Of course you can have any policy you want, but I think that this is definitly your hangup and in no way reflects on the guys that ask you out. I don’t think there is any social rule at all that says that respectful courting is some sort of shameful thing that ought to be hidden from a child.
I agree that someone who leers or makes suggestive comments while your daughter is present is pretty insensitive, but I would accept a discrete approach.
My daughter is now 15, I divorced when she was 6. I’m remarried now and I agree completely that I didn’t let her meet or even know that I was dating until things got serious enough that I thought they would be long term.
The only acceptable approach to me would be if a guy said something along the lines of “I’d like to talk to you again about [whatever you’ve been talking about] here’s my number.” Ball’s totally in your court and it’s pretty discrete in front of daughter. My daughter was old enough to be very curious and she liked to grill me about who I did and didn’t find attractive. I used it as an opportunity to teach her a little about men and women (as much as a 6 year old could comprehend).
Your daughter needs to know that stranger danger for children is different that it is with adults and that you are able to take care of yourself.
You’re right, it was. And I apologize, mornea. But this is something that I have a very deep personal feeling about. It was intended as an exaggeration for comic effect.
So you’re not interested in a guy unless he can be vulgar and is looking for action and your daughter inhibits this?
I think you are sheilding yourself and using your daughter as an excuse. If the guy has approached you when your daughter is around then he must not be turned off by the thought of a child, those that you meet otherwise, who know?
I’m kind of an old fashioned guy. If I see a woman with a kid I automatically assume that she’s married. I know this isn’t always the case but for some reason I can’t make this mental leap.
In teaching caution, try not to teach fear.
I also have seperated my dating life from my family life, but I have explained to my children that not all strangers are bad. We smile and say hello to strangers when we are together. We talk to strangers when they ask us questions and we are together. We have fallen into conversation with families at pizza or the zoo. I talk to men who start a conversation with me when I have my children. Sometimes I took business cards from them if I liked them. This did not freak out my children. This might freak out** Drachillix **, but I don’t accept phone numbers anymore. Just because you have your child, especially at a public, kid-oriented place, don’t eliminate men who know how to be good daddies.
I would rather go out with a man I DIDN’T meet in a bar.
I would rather meet someone who wasn’t out hunting some action.
And I find the good-daddy type attractive…I’d rather have icecream, anyway.
There are some things adults can do that children cannot do, this is part of being an adult. Talking to strangers is one thing adults can do. That’s how the kid was born in the first place, you talked to a stranger & eventually did the horizontal mambo.
Even if you only met guys when you were alone, eventually when you introduced him to your daughter, you would be introducing her to a stranger, right? Yep.
You would honestly be amazed how many girls I know that have children.
Keeping in mind I’m a sophmore in highschool.
Most people avoid them like the plauge. Being friends with one means you do them favors like watching their kids or what have you. I personally know some girls that are pregnant or have children or abortions (let’s not get in to that). They’re very protective of themselves after birth. They’re just not willing to trust guys and will use any excuse to avoid a relationship. This is just my view, however, which may be uninformed.
I come across the “came here to X, not to meet people” policy in women all the time. This makes it extremely difficult to meet women.
“Came here to drink coffee and write bad poetry, not meet people.”
“Came here to look for a book, not to meet people.”
“Came here to do my grocery shopping, not to meet people.”
“Came here to hang out with my friends and dance, not to meet people.”
Well, if you consider yourself off limits whenever you’re in public, HOW IS A MAN SUPPOSED TO MEET YOU? Because of your “rules,” I’m terrified to approach a woman in public, or even plant a smile in their directon, fearing that she’ll likely think of me as just a nuisance or pest.
Consider that I work as an urban planner – the few times I meet a woman at work, there’s usually a conflict of interet involved, and asking them out is not an option. Church? I go to a Unitarian Universalist church, and every single woman I’ve met there is a lesbian. In my neighborhood? Because of where I work, urban living would result in a commute from hell; I closed on a house at the end of a cul-de-sac in a quiet suburb on Friday. I am literally the only single person in the subdivision.
Can we cut back the dating bureaucracy just a little bit, please?
Most of the time, through most of my wanderngs I’m not adverse to meeting people. I smile, I chat, I debate, I’m happy to meet people.
But today I had a fight with my mom and ditched out. I wanted away from my screaming irrational mother. I went to a few stores because she wouldn’t think to look for me shopping. There was a good looking friendly guy at Pier 1. I was there to drool over the comfy bowl chairs, not ong haired sweet faced man flesh. So I brushed him off and stomped and grunted about my wandering.
Generally, I’m happy to meet people if I am out in public. today I was out in public to avoid a specific person and even Mr. Darling could do nothing to make me happier to see him.
Its not a specific policy, but there are bad days. (And to that guy, I’m sorry.)
I know this has nothing to do with the thread but, I wish women would SAY that they don’t feel like talking for a particular reason, I don’t need the reason, just say " Sorry I’m not in the mood to talk now" -I won’t be offended, most guys would understand (i hope).
I don’t know, I just can’t stand when women become silent and act like you should be able to read their mind. All I need is a “I’m not in the mood to talk now” rather than an angry stare that makes you feel extreamly awkward. Maybe a “It’s not you, it’s something else” would be too much to ask for, but a guy can hope right?
