IANAparent, so my best suggestion is this. I’d love to know if it works.
This is sort of what I’m thinking, too - the OP is in the worst possible situation, of having to put up with consequences with no power to change things. It’s like watching my sister and brother-in-law raise my nieces; the 15 year old now calls her mom a “fucking bitch” and has screaming, throwing things tantrums. We’re pretty sure the 11 year old has an ulcer. There wasn’t a damned thing I could do about it except limit my exposure to them, and in the OP’s case, that wouldn’t work in the long run. I believe it’s absolutely possible to discipline an out-of-control child and turn them around, but as the boyfriend, you really can’t be the one to do it.
Dopers, I’m dating a mother that not only doesn’t discipline her child, but coddles her. Not much has changed since I first made this thread. Mostly because I only visit the little girl at my girlfriends place, and I’m lead to believe that if my girlfriend were to visit me at my place with her daughter, she would break things. It’s not only a lack of corrective behavior, but when ever the child starts to cry over something very minor, (she can’t get her hands on a ball she like, or she drops a toy in the car on the park and can’t reach it); her mother rushes over to hug her and says; “Oh poor baby, you poor thing. Baby lost her toy, owe, owe”. This is just an example. There are other instances where she would do the same.
Like I said, I just visit her daughter at her place and we go to the park. I don’t show affection with my girlfriend in front of her daughter. I’m trying to be more of a friend to her at this point. I’m trying to do what’s best for her. But I worry about her future. The biological father hasn’t seen his daughter for months. From everything I’ve been told, he’s a sleaze, but he would get upset at my girlfriend for the same reasons. I don’t think he handled punishing the almost-3-year-old right. He would be aggressive, (grab her by her shirt and pull her away), and screem at her, (no time outs). I know of one time he, (so says my GF), physically hurt the child. I don’t know if all the info I’m getting is %100 accurate about him… I have a feeling it’s true, but not the WHOLE story. But he would yell at my GF for crying when he would punish her, (all in front of their child). Part of me hopes she gets to SEE her father, and that her father’s going to do SOMETHING about it, although, (from what I HEAR, he’s TOO aggressive).
I could try to child proof my place, but I don’t know what the point would be. She would only be here part of the time. If we were to give her ‘time-outs’, it would only be enforced here, not at home. That, along with however her father’s going to handle her, will be anything BUT consistent. I tried to get my girlfriend to read this thread, but she stopped because she doesn’t want to face it.
The child hits and kicks my GF and her parents, (who she lives with). That’s the first think I would try to correct. My girlfriend laughs when she does stuff like that, sending the wrong message. I’m worried that her child’s so used to getting what she wants, that it’s too late. To go from laughing at her hitting people to sending her to her room is just confusing.
I never wanted to be a father, because I didn’t think I had the parenting skills, but I honestly think I would be a better parent than my girlfriend. I’ve grown attached to the child. She wouldn’t miss me if I never saw her again, but I would miss her. She’s a good kid on the inside. She’s only turned on me once, as I talked about up-thread. I think the more she gets use to me, the more she’ll start testing my patients.
I’m glad my girlfriend wont be reading this thread because would get emotional, (maybe angry, maybe sad, or both), if she were to read this post.
There are other little things she does that scares me. I fear the baby gets too much sugar, and her mom even gives her stuff like Mountain Dew on occasion, (the child might cry if she doesn’t share). She stays up until she falls asleep, there’s no bed time… and she stays up late! Probably the all the sugar she and caffeine!! There’s some things that my girlfriend admitted to doing that I can’t repeat here… I keep promises, and I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone. But lets just say bad parenting can begin before a baby is even born.
What should I do?
Break up with your girlfriend.
My husband and I chose to parent together. We have two children. We respect each other’s parenting styles and think each other are great parents. But even with all of that, kids put a huge long term stress on the relationship.
In your case you’ll always be “the last person in” - and it will always be her kid. You don’t respect her parenting. You didn’t want the job. And the child is young - it isn’t like “I have to put up with the seventeen year old until he graduates next Spring and gets his own place.”
Unless both of you are viewing the relationship as a booty call with no long term potential, its not fair to stay in a relationship and not leave you both free to discover someone else with this big flashing neon sign over your heads.
I think I know what people are going to say… end the relationship. My heart’s breaking because the little girl really is very special. I want to help, but by the time I will be able to get her mom discipline her, (we agreed it would be her enforcing it), she’s just going to go home to her grandparents that coddle her. (Her father doesn’t let my GF even try to punish). I also promote positive attention when she’s good.
The father called CPS on her, and they found nothing wrong. He just did it out of spite.
She’s a happy kid… now.
I also never ‘dumped’ anyone before. I wouldn’t know what to tell her. I’ve been alone for 5 years, and the last girl I dated was her, without the kid obviously, and I don’t want to be alone. Also… since we found each other again, we started having sex, which was my first time at the age of 29. I don’t want to be alone. I also want to give her little girl a fighting chance.
I don’t know… I hope it’s too soon to start judging if things may actually change.
There are LOTS of really special kids out there. LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of them. You are in a relationship where your girlfriend isn’t independent, where her child’s father has such spite that he calls CPS on her, where there are behavioral issues with the kid.
If you are truly serious about this, marry her, move her out of her parents house, and parent the little girl. But “I’m afraid to be alone” and “I want this girl to have a fighting chance” and “sex is nice” are not good reasons to do so, and you’ll be taking on a woman who you’ll need to support - at least short term, her child, her ex, her parents - and making a commitment to what sounds like a slow motion train wreck for the rest of your life.
How you break up with someone is you say “I’m sorry. You are a wonderful person. But this is the wrong relationship for me and it isn’t fair to you or to me.”
What Dangerosa said.
Plus, I didn’t re-read the thread but I don’t recall you saying that you love this woman, or that you have any common interests on which to base a relationship. The child’s behavior seems to be what you’re focusing on, maybe because you don’t want to look any deeper. ??
Your girlfriend sounds immature and dependent. You’d be parenting both of them.
Dude, she’s encouraging the drama - it’s not good.
Yeah. God damn… My heart is breaking for this little girl. I do “love” my girlfriend on some level. But I’m afraid that what AuntiePam said about her being immature and dependent is true; what’s worse, the same applies to me to some extent.
It does sound like it’s going to be a slow motion train wreck for the rest of my life Dangerosa.
It wont be as easy to break things off as saying that she’s great, but it’s not fair for either of us. I mean… the aftermath of saying that will suck. I will break it off with her soon. I don’t know what you guys think, but I feel now’s not a good time, and I’ll wait 2 weeks, she’s going through a lot with the custody stuff.
Also fourthing or fifthing what Dangerosa said. My immediate thought was to break up. You’re in a tough spot, watching this girl destroy everything but in no position of power to change it. It doesn’t sound like the mom will follow through on much. Do you really want to stick around when the mom doesn’t want to discipline and is just going to continue to allow the girl to run wild? This isn’t something that is just going to correct itself in time. I don’t think all of the drama would be good for you, especially since you cannot control any of it and it doesn’t seem like the mom really wants to.
Two weeks from now won’t be a good time either.
And two weeks after that and two weeks after that, and so on and so on…
Not saying you have to do this immediately, but it you’re waiting for a “good time” you’re never going to find it.
I can understand your not wanting to let go. However, I think you know, deep down, that you need to get out of this situation. And hurry up about it, before she gets pregnant and then you have another whole world of trouble and complication.
I think two weeks is needed to, not only help her deal, but to start showing my concerns and reluctance to move forward. If I broke up with her right now, she would wonder why I changed my mind all of a sudden. Also, I might be able get her to second guess the relationship a little too with some carefully thought out conversations.
No way she’ll get pregnant. She’s on BC, I wear a condom, and I never climaxed in her, (not that I haven’t tried). I just don’t feel anything. But that’s another thread I started, (that I started when I first started having sex with her), that I want to bring back to the dead. People thought it was first-time jitters. Turns out I’m a stud for lasting as long as I do, but I don’t get much out of sex.
***FROM **the dead
Sadly, this little girl does not have much of a chance unless the mom steps up and starts parenting her. She’s still cute now, but in a few years she’ll be a little monster, and it won’t be so cute, but it will be pretty late to change things by then. By the time she’s a teenager she’ll be a train wreck.
If the mom would parent properly, a lot of damage from grandparents could be mitigated. It’s the parent that really counts. But it’s almost certainly not going to happen, which is tragic for the little girl who is the victim of all this immaturity and neglect.
Your problem is easily solved when you look at it correctly.
Kids are fun. You’re not this kid’s father so it’s NOT your problem.
Have FUN with the little girl. If she needs to be disciplined that’s her mother’s problem. At least till you get engaged.
As a single male who never had kids I go through this with all the people I know who are too cheap to pay a sitter.
When I take care of a kid, I have FUN with him/her. I stop her/him from sticking his finger in a electrical outlet. Other than that, it’s up to the actual parent.
The thing is it’s SO EASY to manipulate a kid. You just got to learn how to do it.
Of course that’s bad parenting, but you’re not this kid’s father.
If the kid throws a tantrum, make it clear to the child, you will support the mother in whatever punishment or action she takes, but also make it clear, that you are not going to punish her. You’ll snitch, maybe, but it’s mum’s job to punish.
This way the child will see you as an ally in her world and it becomes much easier to control her. Remember there are battles worth fighting and other battles to walk away from
This doesn’t get better as the child gets older; it gets WORSE. The childish tantrums turn into doors slammed so hard they break and hitting and kicking that damages other people. Three years isn’t too old to be turned around by proper parenting, but this little girl isn’t going to get it because if her mom isn’t willing to step up, she won’t change how she does things. Assume that things are going to stay the same or get worse, and make your decision based on that.
I wish you the best of luck, MyFootsZZZ.
Oh, yeah, it sucks. Been there, done that on both ends. Might take months for you to be really free of each other. You might backslide, take her back, break up with her again, get back together, she ends up pregnant, you end up married, until one day your patience is gone and you are walking out the door after screaming at each other for three hours in front of the kids (I didn’t have kids. A friend in a situation much like yours did). But if you do it now, it sucks for two months less. And you and she won’t feel like you wasted two months on a person you weren’t meant to be with long term.
In our precious time I revel
Though your kid abuses me;
I “love” you on some level
Whatever that may be.
*
From the Hallmark Discount Sentiments Collection*
*“Breaking Hearts, Not Banks”*™
That’s not bad!