Dating advice needed: how can I get the nerdy guys to relax?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Yay, it’s another chance for Dopers to engage in their third-favorite activity*.

So here is my problem: I likes me some shy, nerdy guys, but they will never initiate a conversation with me. I have no problem taking the initiative (no fear, no tact, and no shame, really), but if I try to talk to them I tend to get fear signals back: stuttering, twitching, averted eyes, etc.

I’m not unattractive (according to the nice people in the recent photo thread), with good hygiene, dress sense, and basic grooming habits. I’m a bit quiet in that I don’t spend all the time giggling and talking like most girls my age (22), but I can certainly hold my own in an intelligent conversation. I have no self-esteem issues or daddy issues or “issues” of any kind, really (except with people who use the non-word “anyways,” but that’s why I’m a doper, right?).

I’ve been told that I’m too intimidating (I am blunt) and that guys will automatically assume that I’m taken because I’m not ugly, but I’m not flirting either (WTF?).

I’m getting tired of carrying the conversation for two until the nerdy guy realizes that I’m not going to sprout a second head and relaxes enough for me to get to know him.

Is there some shorthand, some signal or code phrase that I can give or say to let him know I’m not that scary, really?

*relationship advice. You may also engage in the second-favorite passtime, which is nitpicking my grammar and spelling, if you feel the need. None of your first-favorite stuff in here, though. This is a family thread. :slight_smile:

2

You hinted towards the end that you do eventually get the nerdy guys to relax, so it sounds like you’re doing fine. It just takes longer with some people. I’m a Nerdy Guy myself, and I should get my wife to tell you how–skittish–I was at first. It can’t be any better than the guys you’re talking about.

What kind of signals do you send out? Any kind of “you” language is extremely effective. “Name” language–that is, mentioning the person’s name–is even better.

3

Have you tried actually touching them? It sounds too bold, but as a (non-terminally) shy guy, having a girl put her hand on, say, my forearm relaxes me quite a bit.

4

sigh I know, but sometimes I wish I could slip a Xanax into their mountain dew, ya know?

That is good advice. I try to send out “not stuck-up” (because sometimes people confuse “quiet” for “snobby”), “friendly,” and “not threatening.” I smile (but I don’t giggle), I make eye contact, and I don’t interrupt them while they are trying to get a sentence out (this is hard).

5

I suspect that a nice, soft kiss would do the trick.

6

Wait, you like the quiet(ish) nerd type? And you’re at OSU? If I only had a car. . .

Feh, who’m I kidding? I’d clam up too. Girls are scary.

7
      • I dunno if I qualify as a nerdy guy or not and I may be too much of an a$$hole to qualify as shy, but one thing I really dislike is “dead time”. Have an activity planned, something gender-neutral, slow-paced and casual, that’s done someplace quiet enough to where you can talk. I can’t stand just “idly sitting around and chatting”, with someone new there’s nothing to talk about.
        ~
8

First of all, I just took a look at your picture, and my your rating on the Attract-O-Meter is;

Yowza!

(Not my usual type, but I’d have a hard time unlocking my eyeball-tracking nonetheless.)

As for advice (and as you may have already inferred, I am in your target demographic): The best thing you can do to make a geek feel comfortable is get him to talk about his favorite subject/intellectual infatuation/doctorial thesis. Once you get him started, and with just the barest of continual prodding and display/simulacrum of interest he’ll drop the whole shyness facade and tell you all about The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy/linguistic interrelations of the Romance languages/the life cycle of intestinal worms. Once he’s run his course and is convinced that you are genuinely!, amazingly!, outstandingly! interested in him, then he’ll start inquiring about your interests. (If he doesn’t, then he’s probably just a self-absorbed bastard, and you don’t want that. You just want to get past the initial barricade, not into the dungeon.)

Most geeks don’t appear to communicate well because they have nothing to say on the weather or sports, unless they are a computational meteorologist or baseball statistician, in which case 98% of what they’ll have to say flies over the head of the average person. (Even assuming that you aren’t average, you still probably don’t have their specialized knowledge about the topic.) Knowing this, and having the continual experience of either fumbling to try to discuss a topic in which they have little knowledge and no interest (“Er, uh, yeah, it is kind of cloudy.” <Geez, I hope she doesn’t ask me what kind of clouds those are!>) or start slamming out every bit of information only to discover that the person being addressed has fallen into a coma, many geek-types are just reluctant to say anything.

Blunt really (really) isn’t a problem, except that your typical high-end nerd is going to be so unused to being approached by an attractive woman that he’ll just figure that he’s a) being set up for a con, b) wondering if she’s an Amway salesman, or c) so oblivious that he doesn’t notice that he’s being hit upon at all. I think blunt+preservence should do the trick. Maybe a “Hey, did you notice I’m flirting with you?” might be just the thing to kick over a few synapses that were busy cranking back and forth trying to deduct why a pretty girl would be talking to the owner of the mind containing said synapses.

Oh, and keep at it. Someone has to keep the high IQ genes floating around the gene pool (or at least given some hope), and Og knows the hardcore geeks need all the help they can get. The recalcitrance you are encountering isn’t any reflection on your appearance, manners, or hygiene; and if I’m taken as a typical specimen, basic housekeeping is quite enough–the extra accoutrements like makeup and jewelry are largely and can, in excess, be detrimental in making a positive impression.

You don’t sound like you’re lacking in intellect yourself, in recalling previous posts. With a little extra effort on your part (sorry, but that’s the way with the socially-unendowed), some fortunate chap (or a few) is going to be quite happy. And it goes without saying that you should be too.

Good luck to you…and the lucky dog in whom you take an interest.

Stranger

9

Best thing to do is get them talking. Don’t let them realize they are chatting to an attractive women but rather another nerd.

I use this a lot as I find most women love to talk. Find something they are interested in and let them jabber about it. Occasionally you have to throw a nod in or an “uh huh” or a “Really! No Way!”. Stuff like that and a few other converstaional tricks to keep it going.

The hard part here is not yawning or getting that thousand yard stare as they babble on and actually paying attention to the thread of the discussion. This means some eye contact and smiles and such at appropriate times. A good one is a subtle lean towards the person (assuming you are sitting) as though they really just got your attention (amazing how that one thing alone can revive a conversation).

Hopefully you won’t have to put up with it too long unless you are lucky and the topic is something you are actually interested in. The guy, if done properly, should never even have panic enter his head. He’s having too much fun regaling you with the benefits of a RAID-5 array or the wonders of his butterfly collection. As this progresses try and steer the conversation into other, more mutually interesting avenues. Hopefully somewhere in all of this he has mentioned other items you can run off with on a tangent. You must be subtle and do this in the flow of the conversation. No, “Ok, enough with RAID-5 arrays already. Did you see The Bachelorette last night?”

If he reverts back to panic after a bit of this you have an uphill battle on your hands.

Good luck!

10

Well, if you’re in an appropriate place for such things… Backrub.

semi-appropriate MacHall Strip

Now keep in mind, shy nerdy guys are occasionally short on social skills so you may discover once you open the door to physical contact you’re going to need hand to hand defense skills but as long as you make sure you’re not in too private a situation that can be good to know too.

And as long ago having been the college computer lab’s head consultant, as well as my college’s first student system administrator…

You are quite incredibly hot.

You’re gonna scare the heck out of shy nerdy guys. There’s no way they will believe you’re hot for them. Be patient… they will learn.

11

22 you say? Like geeky boys you say? looks at your picture

Hi there!

Seriously, coaxing a geek out of his shell can be a bit hard at first, but once he’s comfortable with you, he’ll stay that way. The best way is to try and make him see you not as a gulpGIRL but as a friendly person.

12

What ever happened to the straight forward approach?

“Hi. I’m SusanStoHelit. You’re in my _________ (class/lab/line of sight/nightly fantasy). Would you like to have a coffee with me? I’ll even throw in your muffin of choice if you tell me your name.”

:slight_smile:

13

I will modify the above advice somewhat to give you some other tools at your disposal. I have some typical geek characteristics, but have relatively normal social skills. I sure wasn’t born that way, I just tried to imitate the socially comfortable people and I try to make the best use of what natural wit I have.

One thing I have learned is never, never, I repeat, never share one’s inner life with a stranger. I always labor under the assumption that the probability of making a favorable impression on anyone while foaming at the mouth about my esoterica converges towards zero. If a woman asks me about it, I will dodge. I certainly will not lie nor will I bluntly change the subject. I will answer coyly and without opening the floodgates of my mania du jour.

If you really want to get the so-called nerdy guys to relax and open up, then they have to feel that they are on their home turf. The socially skillful ones make their home turf. For the quiet ones, the only way to get them to talk is to make them believe that you are actually interested. This means, of course, putting up some geek cred of your own. Since your username is Pterrian, I can only assume that you got some. It shouldn’t be too hard.

From the really inept ones, yeah, you will have to put up with some stammering and lack of eye contact, if only in the beginning.

I also unreservedly agree with dublos. Backrub.

My fiancee is shockingly beautiful. When I first met her, I got real quiet. Good thing she can be a real talker. But after the backrub, I was done.

So in a nutshell:

Don’t prod the man too much to talk about his interests, as some of us really don’t like that. I really don’t want to tell you everything I like to do unless I think you’re on the level.

Establish your own geekdom.

Deflect the social ineptitude.

Cultivate a good massage technique.

Hope this helps!

14

Upon reflection…

It’s not the opening lines you have a problem with… it’s the continued dialogue.

I’m afraid the news is bleak. People can either participate in a conversation or they cannot. It’s really hard to carry somebody until they get with the program. More to the point, I don’t really see why you should. There are plenty of shy/nerdy/geeky guys who are to shy to approach but are very socially competent once you break the ice with the first hello. Stick with that type. Far easier on both of you. Relationships are hard enough at times without complex communication issues.

YMMV.

15

Yeah, definitely. After the opening salvo, if you just aren’t getting anything in return, you probably don’t want to keep firing. The ice is supposed to be broken; the whole damn lake is not supposed to be frozen.

16

As you know, shy nerdy guys are most animated pursuing their interests. These are often something male-dominated, specialised and somewhat ‘unsocial’, like chess, computer games or roleplaying.
(N.B. Just look at my profile to see how qualified I am to comment on this. :slight_smile: )
By contrast, nerds are aware that they don’t regularly meet many new people, especially females, and don’t have the confident approach of the jocks. In particular, attractive females are doubly ‘awe-inspiring’.

Not unattractive? NOT UNATTRACTIVE?! :eek: (Glee pours ice cold water over his head)
Why if I weren’t so old, I’d actually talk to you (and that means a lot coming from a shy nerd)
Even your anthropomorphic guardian wouldn’t bother me. :confused:

Moving on, as other posters have said, us nerdy types present several difficulties:

  • we have no idea when you’re flirting with us (and tend not to believe such a gorgeous woman could be interested in us anyway)
  • we have no experience of keeping up our end (so to speak)
  • we have specialised interests

So if you like the look of one of us:

  • make it blindingly obvious* that you are interested
  • gently explain what you like and expect out of the relationship
  • take an interest in our interest (so to speak)

*I posted this before, but it bears repeating.
When I was a lad, an pleasant, intelligent female went out with me a few times. It was good clean fun. One week, she suggested we go out on Saturday. I apologised, saying I had to do a chess simultaneous exhibition for charity.
No problem, she said she’d come and watch.
So she watched for 4 hours while I played chess.
But I didn’t realise this meant anything!
So we drifted apart, and she married someone else.
My name is glee and I’m a nerd. :smack:

17

Er, some ice is thicker than others. Sometimes it takes more than one or two swings with the 8 pounder to get a substantial crack. Not everyone is outgoing, socially adept, and comfortable in light conversation, 'specially the mooks who’ve spent more of their lives reading books or in a lab than at the singles bar or the sports fields.

That being said, if the mope continues not to respond past your patience level, and especially if he responds but only takes it as an opportunity to boast about himself and/or talk about his stuff without advancing any interest in your interests, then by all means move on. There’s no need to foster that kind of narcissism. But if you’ve an initial interest, a little more patience/persistance/light physical violence may be in order.

Oh, and I second the touching suggestion. Maybe not a backrub (at least, not initially…that kinda sends the wrong signal.) But touching the forearm or shoulder? Yes, definitely.

One other thing of note (based on your TM pictures): you kind of have the Jodie Foster thing going there, and while that’s not a bad thing (I mean, it’s really not a bad thing) you do look a little…disapproving when you’re not smiling. It’s actually very cute (at least to those of us with librarian fetishes :smiley: ), but might be intimidating to a guy trying to decide to approach you. When you smile, though (thump-skip-thump) it’s charming, 'specially that kind of shy, demure look you have in the picture in front of the ocean. And eye contact is all well and good, but a little shyness–glancing away a bit, or letting your bangs kind of fall across your eyes once in a while–might convey that you’re just as nervous as the guy is (even if you’re not).

I think that’s all I’ve got. Org knows I know what works on me, but I have less than a clue as to how it works the other way.

Stranger

18

I’m sorry. It’s not like we have some secret phrases or magic numbers to show you’re one of us. I’m afraid you’ll just have do it the hard way.

19

/flowers

I’m a nerd, and I’d be happy to drive up to OSU and let you practice on me. :slight_smile:

20

Just to be up front, I am not a nerd. Okay, so I’m a software developer, and my daughter says I’m a nerd, but I’m not.

Your being blunt is not a problem; nerds are annoying blunt once you get them going, and like it in return.

The only thing working against you is that you’re lovely. A decent guy can look beyond that, though.

The advice about getting them to talk about what they’re interested in is good. The thing that seems to be getting left out is the stimulus to get them going. I’m talking alcohol here. Instead of a cup of coffee, or tea, or soy milk, invite them to go get a beer. Not six, mind you, but one or two. I probably wouldn’t be married today if I hadn’t had the sense to have my first date with my wife be to a bar.