Dating Amongst Twenty-Somethings

I had a conversation with two good friends of mine, both male, both pretty good with the ladies. I’m female. We’re all in our early twenties, and were talking about how to us it seems like no one our age really goes on “dates” anymore early on in a relationship. That is, previously, the way people got together was, you meet someone you like, spend some time with them, and ask them out, go out on a few dates, and then establish a relationship.

However, for our generation, the normal way that relationships start is, you meet someone you like. You hang out with them in social settings. You get drunk and hook up one night. Then, you get drunk and hook up again later, possibly after another social event. During the early stages of this, you may both also hook up with other people. Also, during the early stages, y’all are still hanging out as friends. Eventually, you find yourself hooking up more and more with this one person, and you find yourself dating, kind of. Alternately, after the initial hook up, y’all could go out on quasi-dates, that still end with some action, and that are fairly non-committal. And, all in all, “dating” is kind of a place you find yourself ending up, sometimes sort of vaguely against your will, and not an end goal.

However, we all agreed that the idea of actually asking someone out on a date seemed really old-fashioned. Of all the boyfriends I’ve had, I’ve been asked out once, and the others started as described above. In addition, the “dates” that I’ve been on tend to be just for fun, with friends, with no expectation of it going any further.

Also, we all agreed that relationships seem really out of vogue among out set, and that most people don’t want to commit that much, particularly among the movers and shakers. Most people are into noncommittal hookups, sex or maybe not quite that far, where everyone remains friends afterwards.

Does this jibe with anyone else’s experiences? What do y’all think of these types of mating rituals?

Gestalt

I’m thirty, and I’ve never been up on the mating etiquette of my peers. This would explain some aspects of my last–um, what do you call it when you’re in that “hooking up” phase? It wasn’t a “relationship” and we didn’t actually hook up. (Plus, I hate that term.)

Anyway, I haven’t–well, there we go again. Nobody dates much anymore, but whatever it is that people do, I haven’t done it much. As a result, I suppose I’m a bit old-fashioned (or just clueless and naive). I thought that whatever that first phase is did actually have something like dating or a “relationship” as a vague sort of goal. It wasn’t until some time after she broke up with me (can I still call it that?) that I realized that we’d been talking in two different languages the whole time. I think we actually might have wanted more or less the same thing, but we had completely different words and actions for expressing it.

Also, she was a bitch.

Having not had too much experience with women (and still being a virgin), it certainly does jibe with my observations of people my age.

It’s also pretty depressing to me personally, and makes me think I was born in the wrong decade.

Scratch that. I was without a doubt born in the wrong decade.

Mmm, well, if you weren’t hooking up, then it doesn’t really fit my paradigm . . . I guess I’d say that you guys were “dating,” or maybe even just, “talking.”

So many arbitrary labels, I know . . .

Sometimes, although it generally seems like most of my peers don’t enthusiastically embrace the idea of having a girlfriend or boyfriend . . . then again, these are the types of people who embrace the idea of going to Paris on a whim . . .

Gestalt

I would agree with the OP that yes, that’s how most people our age seem to start dating nowadays. I have noticed a bit of a generation gap between early 20s and late 20s people (I’m squarely in the middle). The former do tend to just hook up and see how it goes from there; the latter still ask for dates, like dinner and drinks, before they end up doing the dirty deed. I don’t mind either way, I guess. Most of my relationships have been friends devloping into something else, so I guess I’m more used to the former.

Gestalt, since you seem to have some experience “in the trenches” so to speak, what percentage of young-twenty-somethings do you think do the whole “hook-up and sex to predate a relationship” thing? Most of my observable evidence is from my experience of hanging out with member’s of the greek community (my best friend is in a frat and my best female friend is in a sorority), so I was assuming (and hoping) that it was just a part of the bedhopping nature of greek organizations.

I’m in my late twenties, and that certainly looks like what’s done, from what I’ve seen, though I don’t do it myself. I don’t date much either, but as others have said, it doesn’t seem like anyone does much dating anymore. It would be nice though. A nice meet-up for dinner or drinks would be just the thing.

Well, Soapbox , my experience is largely with the greek community as well, and this group of elite, professional ivy-league types I recently found myself in association with. This is definitely the case with them. I honestly don’t know how common it is among twenty-somethings as a whole, though, so that’s why I started this thread. However, everyone so far seems to find it the norm, though so I guess it is fairly common.

I will say, though, and I appear outside the norm here, that I rather like this system, both because it is sooo low-pressure, and low-commitment. And because I’m not really in the market for an SO right now. However, feelings can definitely get hurt (as mine have been, more than once). Oh, but it can be so much fun . . .

Gestalt

Well, each have their plusses and minuses. Then again, I haven’t dated in years (not necessarily by choice. I’m 26, for the record).

Hm. I may have to start drinking and catch up, then.

I’m in my 40’s and have been single for six years, and all three “relationships” I’ve had in that time started the same way as in the OP - except for the alcohol part. I met all three women at parties or conferences and ended up taking the women home (one was to a hotel room).

On the other hand, traditional dating has produced nothing but a lot of bad dates. Maybe it’s just a cultural shift. I suppose in some of the more conservative parts of the country it might be different

Please excuse this old guy’s ignorance, but I want to clarify terms. Does “hook up” explicitly mean “fuck”? I’m sure I’ve heard it used with different meanings – but the OP seems to suggest that rather limited definition.

Yeah, I’m forty and my groups generally had the same patterns. However, after I hit my thirties, I no longer really had a group to hang out with and turned to online dating.

I don’t really think it’s an age thing as much as it’s a situation thing. If you’re in a large flexible group that hangs out, you’ll tend to hook up. If you don’t have such a group, you’l turn to more “traditional” dating. The younger folk are more likely to congregate in groups than when you get older and a lot of your friends have gotten married, had kids, or moved away.

In my using, “hook up” does not mean necessarily intercourse, and indeed, there are those who would look down on you for having sex the first time. Rather, it can be anything from making out to sex.

Gestalt

Ok, so it does at least mean some degree of physical rather than social intimacy.

Dating is way too expensive for most people in their 20s. Plus, I found dating to be painfully awkward. My SO and I were friends for about 18 months before we ended up making out and talking all night one night. We had dates after that, and honestly they were kind of awkward as well. Things were so much easier after he moved in …

Dating is still alive and well thanks to dating websites and dating venues especially in major metropolitan areas. I am married and never used them myself but lots of female professionals I know do and there are probably plenty of others that never mention it. A few friends have gotten married that way. There is also speed dating and arranged lunch dates that lots of people participate in.

This jives with what I’ve seen.

I’m 52 and grew up in southern California. I think I’ve only been on 2 “dates” in my life, although I had plenty of boyfriends before my marriage and divorce. Even in my teens and twenties we used to hang out in groups, and usually met people that way. Dates felt old-fashioned then and they still do now. We still meet, hook up, etc.

I’m 20, and I just want to add in that I hate the scene. See, I grew up christian, and we’d usually hang out in groups together, but there’d be some one-on-one dates before anyone got to hooking-up, as it were. As a new atheist, though, I simply cannot merge in with the secular culture. Part of it’s because I don’t drink, or particularly want to drink. (even when I am 21) Not that there’s anything wrong with getting a little drunk and having fun, but that’s all these people seem to do! No one just hangs out and has fun, they hang out and get drunk, at the very least. Then they seem shocked that, no I don’t want to go out drinking, and no, I don’t really wanna watch you get drunk. Drunk people are poor company. So yeah, screw this crappy culture where everybody has to be drunk all the time, so I don’t get to meet anybody, and get no hookups at all. Firth forbid you have fun by using your brain, not by destroying it.