dating for 6months -- when to cut bait?

i’ve been seeing this guy for about 6 months, and for most of that time, things have been rather good. but it’s starting to get a little weird for me, and i’m not sure if i’m imagining it or not.

we’re spending less time together. the other night he wanted to go dutch for a meal, which seemed really odd (up until now we’ve just been going back and forth on picking up the tab…) sex is a little less frequent. on the other hand, he initiated a conversation about moving in together not too long ago, so… who the #($* knows?

anyway, i’ve been going through some crazy family drama and i’ve probably been mopier than usual. my dad is having health issues and i was just kind of venting and said, “man, what am i going to do if my dad dies?” his response was, “well, you know, everyone dies.” of course he’s right, but doesn’t that seem awfully glib? the cold hard truth is not always appropriate; how about, you know, a hug?

of course i asked him if things were cool between us and he said, “yes, why wouldn’t they be?” so there’s no help there… anyway, i guess it could just be that initial infatuation just turning into a regular ol’ relationship, but i’m not sure and i guess i just needed to vent. thanks for letting me.

What was the result of the “moving in together” discussion?

inconclusive… i basically said that neither of our places was large enough to accomodate both of us plus his pets, so if our relationship got to that point we’d probably need to consider something bigger…

Not to be harsh, but… well, I’m going to be harsh. If you’re thinking about “cutting bait,” it’s better to do it sooner than later. It’s only going to hurt more in the future, and if you don’t see a future together, it’s better for both of you if you acknowledge that and move on.

I’m a firm believer in ripping off Band-Aids as quickly as possible too.

Have you discussed your concerns with him, in concrete terms rather than a nebulous “How are things with us?” A guy can be completely happy with a woman and a relationship and come off as bored or uninterested - they tend to not emote as women do. As for the hug thing, don’t expect your guy to react like your girlfriends - he probably won’t. If you want a hug not a platitude, tell him. In other words, I wouldn’t be writing this relationship off yet, without having some real discussions.

thanks for the response… i guess if things continued as they’ve been for the past 5.5 months, i wouldn’t have anything to post about. it’s just recently that things seem subtly “different” and i’m trying to wrap my head around if it’s just a natural progression or if it’s a sign of the impending apocalypse.

i know it’s not something anyone here can answer for me, i’m definitely just MPSIMS-ing my way through a workday…

Yeah, given what you’ve posted, it’s impossible to tell what the true situation is. My gut says that you’re overthinking this, but that at the same time it would behoove you (love that word) to have a serious chat with your boyfriend about where you think the relationship is going. My inner guy hates me for making that comment though :stuck_out_tongue:

I’m guilty of hanging on for too long, but, if you’re asking, you already know the answer!

Not knowing the man, I can’t say for sure, but it may well have something to do with the crazy family drama and moping. There’s a lot of people in this world who don’t like such things and, unfortunately, respond to them by creating their own moping drama. This is a very human thing, although I really hate it. People don’t like your negativity, so they punish you with theirs, while not recognizing that they’re doing exactly what they don’t like about you.

Another option is that he’s found someone else, but they’re not to the same stage yet and he’s hedging his bets. Although if this is true, there’s probably a bit of the first option thrown in that he’s dwelling on.

I emphatically disagree. While it may be true in the majority of cases, I think platitudes like this are dangerous in that there are plenty of exceptions to the rule. It’s quite possible to have doubts that can be talked about and worked through. If everyone broke up when they had concerns about the future of the relationship, there would be a lot less people in the world.

Somewhere long ago I read a book that said something like: “There comes a time in every relationship where it either becomes more or it becomes nothing.”

His response to your concern about your father puts it in the latter category for me. If you’re growing together, you try to support the other person. His comment seems indifferent to me.

I think you need a reality check. Many men can be perfectly happy with sex, dinner and separate living arrangements for extended periods of time without moving in together, and yes people do get to the point of taking each other for granted.

The most worrisome thing to me in your relationship is not the “everyone dies” comment, that could easily come from any boyfriend (even a caring one) aggravated with a mopey girlfriend if she’s beating the “What will I do!” topic to death. Men tend to to be solution oriented in these things, and women often want to talk it into the ground which can get really annoying. Per Chimera people being mopey and negative often do not realize how insanely annoying they are.

From a man’s perspective the thing that makes me think your relationship is possibly in the wind down phase is the “dutch treat” request. Unless you’re a starving student with a sugar momma normal guys do not do this. The normal etiquette is that man always offers unless going out is the woman’s idea. In cooperative scenarios the man offers, and the women can insist on paying or splitting the bill. Requesting dutch treat off the bat means the sees the exit sign and wants to limit his outlay before exiting stage left.

Most importantly, what do you want to do? If all things being equal, do you want this relationship to work? Are you getting what you need, is this going where you want it to go?

Be careful what you read from boards about relationships (any board). If you’re not sure what’s going on, we can’t be. Two things I could offer though. Communicate, communicate, communicate. We guys are bad, and we usually need help from women on this.

Related to that is closure. If you communicate, even if you break up, you’ll have closure. I’m dealing with absolutely no closure after two years, and frankly, it’s killing me. So be sure you know what your doing and why, if you decide to part ways.

All things being equal, are you happy to see him? Do you feel lucky that you get to spend time with him?

Because, if not, that’s not a relationship. That’s an obligation.

Life’s too short, and there are other people out there you will be happy to see and that you’ll feel lucky to spend time with. Go find them.

I don’t think the callous remark about your worries over your dad necessarily means the guy doesn’t care about you. Some guys mean well but just have never learned how to handle emotional topics gracefully.
One of the big reasons I fell in love with my boyfriend is that he was very supportive and compassionate when I received some very devastating news about a loved one’s illness.
So if it’s really important to you to be able to confide in your guy about stuff like this, maybe this is a sign he’s just not right for you.

Hope your dad’s situation improves soon.

Sounds like he thinks you’ve grown bored and are aiming to move on. Sounds like that to me, too. Perhaps you’ve avoided breaking up with him because you didn’t want to add to your current drama? Just a guess.

I think people can be really quick to give up when things get, well, not exactly tough, but maybe real is a better word. Nothing you’ve said so far sends up huge red flags for me; at about six months sounds like the time when the euphoria of a new love wears off, and the reality of “this person isn’t even close to perfect” is starting to hit.

One thing that hasn’t been mentioned is how much you love this guy. Is he Mr. Right, or Mr. He’ll Do?

Fewer, but happier!:wink:

Point taken, but if the OP’s definition of an ideal mate includes empathy (as her remark about glibness seems to indicate), then this probably isn’t the guy. The second part of your post seems to corroborate that, lavenderviolet.

Agreed, featherlou. I look back at past relationships and think, 'While it was good, it was great. But at what point should I have bailed out? It isn’t just a matter of Monday Morning Quarterbacking, but what are the signs that this person isn’t going to fulfill what I’m seeking? IMO/IME, if someone’s father is dying, “Everybody dies” isn’t going to cut it, but YMMV.

hey everyone, thanks for your replies… you’ve given me plenty to think about.

i admit that i’ve never been great at understanding that point somewhere in the early stages of a relationship where people stop being on their best behavior and start being who they really are. i tend to think i’m not any different during those first few months, and i assure you i’m not biased at all :wink:

but ya know, you start to think you kind of have an idea of what makes this person tick, and then it changes. fact of life, i suppose. but we’re gonna meet up tomorrow and have a good old fashioned conversation about all of this and see where it goes…

thanks again