I’m a gay male in my 40s entering the dating scene.
Contrary to the stereotype I‘m a sexual conservative I don’t believe in one night stands much less casual (often anonymous) hook-ups.
While it appears that nowadays we really are brainwashed on all sides to think that sex is easily available and almost a right:rolleyes:, I firmly believe sex is sacred. It’s the most intimate form of communication we have and have been content to wait for the right person. Don’t get me wrong: I‘m not waiting for marriage but rather a relationship with a compatible partner. I’ve (re)considered my beliefs about sex and am happy with my views. I think there is so much that is vain or even profain around that I like the fact that there is at least 1 think considered sacred.
I have not been in an intimate relationship. This can be attributed to several factors.
I’m an academic and channelled much of the time and energy of my early life (when others were discovering the sexuality, having their first serious relationships (perhaps getting married?) into my studies as I was intent to complete my studies in the shortest time possible. BS (4 yrs), MS (2 yrs), PhD (5 yrs), PostDoc (1 yr), graduating summa cum laude regularly.
I then spent much of the next years building a career, which, because I moved between 11 different cities in 6 different countries as I worked my way to tenure, left very little opportunity for building a meaningful relationship with anyone. I would just meet someone, begin to build trust and then have to move again.
I didn’t have that great a childhood and have my own psychological issues, particularly an avoudant attachment style.
{Everyone has their “issues”. Anyone who claims that they don’t is simply in denial].
I have unconventional views on things such as politics, religion, economics, which the mainstream gay man may find uncomfortable:confused:; and
I have high standards for the kind of person I want to be with, because I know that there is much value I can add to the right persons life:cool:.
I consider myself reasonably well socialised. Im told that I’m very good looking and I know that I have a good body for my age.
I’m concerned that the guys I meet on the dating scene will not have similar values to me, may think that I’m a prude, will not be willing to investigate the possibility of a real relationship BEFORE wanting to unbuckle my pants or worse my complete lack of any real-life experience will prove to be a turn-off for (most) who think having a partner good in bed important for a good relationship.
Chances are, most of the guys you meet WON’T have similar values. (In fact, most of the human beings you meet probably won’t.) So you eliminate these guys as dating prospects. Period. More likely, they’ll eliminate themselves, and when they do that they are doing you a favor. Eventually you will meet someone (or not, but I’ll bet you do…) who DOES have similar values, who appreciates you for who you are, and even appreciates your lack of experience. Seriously.
You’re a good looking, physically fit, globe-trotting professor, with tenure?
What’s you’re discipline? Because if it’s archaeology, you’re basically Indiana Jones.
Most of the stuff you’re worried about isn’t going to be an issue for you. Except for this:
I don’t mean the whole “saving yourself” bit. If you think sex is something only to be shared with someone with whom you’re in a long term relationship, that’s fine. But if you want people to respect your views about sex, you’ve got to respect theirs, too. People who have casual sex aren’t brainwashed, vain, or profane. They just have different tastes than you do. If you’re holding out for someone just like you, you’re going to be waiting a long time: you happen to live in a very sparely inhabited section of the Venn diagram. If you want a relationship, it’s almost certainly going to be with someone who’s more sexually experienced. And that’s never going to work if you go into it judging them for their sex lives.
First of all: you are not alone. Regardless of your situation, you are never the only person with your problems. And don’t assume that all gay men are out there shtupping each other with anonymous abandon. I, for one, have been with the same man since 1987 (prior to that is another story).
Where are you currently located? I know, from my own experience, that if you or your tastes are atypical, you need to be in a large city with a large gay population. Anything less will drastically reduce your already meager chances. Would this be compatible with your career choices?
I was friends with a person who’s dating criteria was “American millionaire”. I wasn’t surprised that she ended up with an American millionaire: what surprised me was that she ended up with a person who was exactly the right person for her personality, character and background. It’s like the dating seen is made up of so many individuals that you can find exactly the right person, then narrow that group down to just the ones who are also (American millionaires).
She was looking though. If you have a narrow criteria, you have to go out and put in the effort.