Because it’s obvious to everyone in the room that your confusion is affected to call him on his dickery. Your primary concern appears to be that nobody else gets that he’s being an asshole. They do. I guarantee it. John included.
I’ve had friends that were dicks, including one remarkably similar to your nemesis. He could be a good guy (and a good friend) but first you had to push back against his dickwadishness. I’m not saying that’s how it should be, but it’s how it was. When people would say to me “Man, that guy’s a dickwad!” I’d agree. He simply was.
Unfortunately, by letting him walk on you, the simple countermeasures that would have worked early on won’t be effective now.
Asking him to clarify, suggested by many others, is a good approach. Another is to simply say, “Man, I’ve let is slide, but are you ever going to stop being such a dick?”
People who do this sort of thing are generally deeply insecure. Believe it. Take the offensive. It’s hard. But it works. A little “You do realize that everyone here thinks you’re a jerk when you do these things.” goes a long way. Or (if you want to really rock his world) “You realize that <best friend’s name> only hangs out with you because he feels sorry for you, right?”
The comment made was probably a bit tongue-in-cheek, but you’d definitely be admired by your peers for being the person who called him on being a jerk.
Here’s the thing though, you aren’t doing this to be a jerk yourself.
All you’re trying to do is make him admit that what he’s saying isn’t appropriate/doesn’t make sense, so that he’ll stop doing it. You’re not trying to belittle him, make an example of him, or pick on him. You don’t want to linger on it, (‘But why did you say that? I don’t understand, explain it again.’) You want to call him on the behaviour then move swiftly on, with no hard feelings.
What you’re doing is acknowledging that he’s said something, but also making it clear that what he’s saying is not acceptable to you (and, most likely, those around you). By asking him to clarify what he means, he will probably get a bit tongue-tied and maybe a bit defensive, but he will clearly get the message that talking like that is not acceptable to you.
Obviously, he is going to feel a bit embarrassed at being called on his behaviour and may want to take offense at you calling him on it. That’s why it’s really important that you keep your tone calm, quiet, and non-committal. You’re not being confrontational, you’re just being assertive and setting boundaries about what behaviour is acceptable to you.
Another example I would give, about addressing behaviour without belittling the person.
I used to work alongside a very immature adult who had a habit of running into our bosses office and crying if things didn’t go her way. She would spend ages in the office, ranting and raving whilst the boss just sat there, listening. Then the boss would go and fix whatever problem it was for her whilst she continued to cry in the office.
Our boss was on leave whilst caring for her ill mother and I was left in charge whilst she was away.
This girl came running into my office, crying whilst trying to tell me something. I said to her, ‘Okay, none of that. Calm yourself down and then we’ll talk.’ She immediately calmed herself down and was able to then tell me what the problem was. I then said, ‘Okay, so what are you going to do about it?’ She was initially a bit flummoxed, because she expected me to come up with the solution, but she soon thought of something she could do, I said, ‘Sounds great. Do that and let me know if you have any further problems.’ I didn’t hear any more about that issue.
It was only some time later that she told me how awesome that moment was for her, because I treated her like an adult, but also because I didn’t call her on her bad behaviour. I just made her aware of it, let her know it wasn’t acceptable to me, but I didn’t try to make her feel bad about it.
It sounds like your concern with “asking for clarification” is that it gives him an opening to continue. You might consider simply taking what he says at face value, and responding accordingly. For example:
Tim (very sarcastically): Uhm, KellyCriterion, you do realise that you don’t have to stand over there, and that you can join us on the couch over here right? I mean, you do realise that, don’t you?
KellyCriterion (remaining in place and continuing to eat): Yep.
Tim (sarcastic tone): Err, KellyCriterion, you do realise that you don’t have to eat dessert just because there’s some in the fridge?
KellyCriterion: Yep.
He’s pretending to ask whether you know something, so you just respond that yes, you do know it. Even if he then says, “You do know I wasn’t asking seriously, don’t you?”, you can again respond, “Yep!”
Now, in a case like this:
KellyCriterion (excitedly): Hey! I just found out that my uncle is going to be on xyz TV show.
Tim (very sarcastically playing off my excited tone): Oh wwwwooooooooooowwwww!!! (looks at other people in the conversation and laughs).
…I see two options. You could go the face-value route - act as though he’s genuinely expressed excitement, and just continue with your story. Or, you could acknowledge his sarcasm, but *not *ask him to answer for it, or give him a chance to respond:
KellyCriterion (chuckling self-deprecatingly): Well, I know it may not be a big deal to everyone, but I’ve never known someone who got to be on T.V., and I think it’s pretty cool. (Then continue with your story.)
The key is not getting defensive. He’s *trying *to rile you; he’s said as much. If you flat out ignore him, it’s as good (to him) as if you got pissed off and started yelling, because he’s getting to you. So your goal is to let him know you hear him, and you just don’t care.
I have an uncle who can be a bit of a bully - he’s similar to Tim, but different. He always used to make fun of my tattoos every time he saw me: “Oh, those are so ugly! Why would you do that? In all my years in the Navy, I was never drunk enough or stupid enough to get a tattoo!” Same speech, every time. I used to get flustered, and never really had a good response, and I dreaded seeing him. Then finally, I decided to respond as if he had said something non-offensive, like “I hate jellybeans.” I just said, “Oh, really? I’ve always liked them.” In other words, I get that you don’t like them - and that’s fine. He still starts up every now and then, “Oh, man! Those tattoos!” and I just respond, as if I had forgotten, “Yeah, you don’t like them, do you?”
It works.
Tim is a dick and a bully and he has found an easy victim. Just to pick a nit though, he is not passive-aggressive - he is just plain ol’ aggressive, in a cowardly fashion. When someone decides to be a dick all you have to say is: “Dude, what’s your problem?” Say it and then stop talking because you are done discussing that subject.
Yeah, all the game-playing and posturing in the world isn’t going to help you with a pure asshole like that; the simplest response is the best one for people like him (like in the last three posts here). Don’t be trying to show him up to the crowd, don’t be trying to one-up him or teach him a lesson; just tell him to get the hell off your toes.
You aren’t going to look uber clever or funny playing the “innocent clarification” card, you’re going to look (and feel) like a dick. Similarly, preparing a speech, as elbows suggested, isn’t going to help; you’ll sound like a complete cunt and just open yourself up to more abuse.
You’ve got two options:
a) if it really pisses you off that much, tell him to “fuck off”; no need for silly word games, or,
b) improve your banter, and give as good as you get.
He’s not passive-aggressive, he’s just a jerk. Plumps himself up only by pushing others down. Passive-aggressives tend to agree to do and accomplish things they never intend to instead of stating the case why they don’t want to, then undermine any progress by simply not doing it. They’ll find a million excuses not to, even if its as stupid as “I forgot” but often more elaborate ones. They’re all about avoidance; of conflict, of effort, etc. Not that I know any. Or lived with any. At least not any that are still living. I probably shouldn’t say any more. Is that the phone?
Next time he does it, smile broadly, casually walk over and…
Punch him in the balls.
Repeat as necessary.
*Warning: Violence not condoned or suggested. This comment included only for the purposes of Comedy and Effect. Some intelligence required. Offer void in all reality based universes.
A good cock punch could be good for the genepool though.
Clean and easy.
Punch him in the face, repeatedly, while yelling “is it funny *now? Is it?” at the top of your lungs, until someone pulls you off him.
what?
I just want to point out that the worst possible thing you can do is just avoid the guy. Avoiding your problems never works.
Any of the methods mentioned might work.* My main advice is to start small, and only escalate if you have to. I will also suggest getting together with the people Tim belittles without him present, and finding out if you can get other people to help you out. The more people letting him know that his behavior is unacceptable, the more likely he is to change. Your doing it by yourself may come off as being a jerk, no matter how nice or direct you try to be.
ETA:
*Except Snowboarder Joe’s. Well, it might work in the sense of getting him to shut up, but that’ll be the least of your worries.
ARRRRRGGGGG!!!
Acting like a wuss got the OP in this situation in the first place! He doesn’t need to go running to people for help. Don’t play stupid, wussy games back.
Stand up man! Tell the guy you are sick of his shit and to fuck off. If he persists, tell him that if he keeps it up there will be a fight. If he keeps it up go over and sock him.
The above being said, the lesson the OP needs to learn here is that in the future he needs to NIP THESE THINGS IN THE BUD. DO NOT EVER let anyone insult you without consequences. If you think you are being insulted by someone new…clarify! Once you set yourself up as a doormat it is very hard to ever get respect back.
But…isn’t that what you SHOULD say? I mean to say- shouldn’t you apologize, particularly if this has been an ongoing issue (I understand that it is not a huge one, but an issue all the same) and you (presumably) agreed to discontinue the behavior? I think that it would go very far to express genuine contrition and an understanding on your part that you broke your agreement. I think your husband would appreciate that a lot. We’re not talking feet kissing here, I just mean something like: [Good-natured tone] “Crap! I know I said I’d stop doing that. I’m sorry, I really will try to work on that.” Does that not seem appropriate to you?
I’m actually in precisely the same situation, except I’m your husband. Reading this thread has given me a lot of insight into what my partner is likely experiencing. I have to confess that I would likely express something like that with a similar “false”,ingenuous question. In the moment, though, I’m so frustrated that I don’t want to repeat the whole spiel of picking up after yourself, why that’s necessary, etc. I think our situations are different in terms of magnitude, though. Just a hunch.
My husband will half-fill a drinking glass, sip on some water or take a vitamin while standing at the kitchen sink, empty the water, and then leave the cup at the side of the sink on the counter instead of in the sink, which drives me nuts. Asking him to just put the friggin’ used glass in the sink will result in a week or so of compliance and then he goes back to doing it. It’s an absent-minded habit of decades for him. I shamefully admit that I did on occasion pick up the glass on occasion and go find him in the house and ask, with fake wide-eyed innocence, “I didn’t want to wash this because it looked like you intended to use it again.” Being passive-aggressive not only sucks, but usually goes right over his head. After a while, you just have to determine who has the most emotion invested in the tiny tidyness issue at stake, and let that partner deal with it.
If it’s a small thing like tags on a counter next to a trash bin, and that partner just simply cannot live with it, then the least the agitated partner can do is be direct and kind about it: “Come on, honey… the trash bin is right here. You said you were going to try harder to not leave trash on the counter!” Not the passive-aggressive b.s. of “Oh,* did you need this*? I didn’t want to throw away this obvious *garbage *in case it was important. I thought it might be important since you left it on the counter.”
Backing off on my tiny issue did give me great leverage when my husband later had his own tiny tidyness issue about my putting my coffee cup in the sink but not dumping it out. He actually said, “How difficult is it to just dump the little bit of coffee left before you put it in the sink?” and I was able to answer, “About as difficult as it is for you to put your drinking cups into the actual sink as opposed to next to it.”
Couple of suggestions if you don’t like the Huh? Whatever do you mean? approach, fully acknowledging that these too are passive-aggressive and pay him back in his own coin.
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For comments like “You do realize you could sit on the couch,” which imply you are stupid, respond with very exaggerated patience as if he has asked a serious question but he’s the stupid one: “Yes, Tim, I do realize I can sit on the couch. I believe that’s what couches are for. I’m going to stand over here for a while, though I sure appreciate your concern.”
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For arguments, just look bored. Refuse to engage in the argument and let your gaze wander to some unfocused middle distance. If and when he confronts you on it say, “Huh? Oh, sorry, I wasn’t listening.”
By letting this person affect your emotions and dictate your emotional responses, you are letting him have power over you. Realize that at the end of the day you don’t even like him and nothing he says matters in the least. Once he realizes he isn’t succeeding in getting under your skin, he’ll likely back off. Most bullies do.
Yes, of course I should apologize, since I am the one in error. But the way he does it…it’s like he’s *shaming *me. Does that makes sense? And that makes me want to give the exact opposite reaction to what he’s looking for, just to be contrary.
However, if he came to me and said something like, “Hey, sweetie, you left those tags sitting on the counter–could you please go throw them away?” (no spiel necessary) I’d be apologizing profusely as I passed him on my way to do as he asks. Because I am aware that it’s an annoying habit of mine, and I do feel bad about it. I just don’t like being made to feel like I’m two inches tall every time I make a mistake.
I’m mean, it’s not like our house belongs on an episode of Hoarders. I do a general pick up at least once daily (usually more like two or three times–we have a 2 year-old), the dishes get done after every meal, the kitchen gets scrubbed down every night, I vacuum three times a week, dusting and other deep cleaning gets done on the weekends. Our house is generally tidy.
I’m really starting to think this is a “you have to be there and know our personalities” kind of story, though.
Must be, because my feelings is that he should he take those tags and shove them up his butt. 