Basically yes.
Usually it’s unemployment or the perceived threat of unemployment that triggers those sort of feelings where they overshadow anything enjoyable. Probably because they feel more integral to who I am as a person than, say, being frustrated over my wife’s habits.
Yeah, that sucks and I feel it.
Again, this is not a prescription because I don’t want to just dish out glib advice, but a couple of things that worked for me when I was in a situation where work and work worries were consuming me…
I had what is known as a corridor ritual. It was really simple: I wore a tie to work. When I put my tie on, I was at work. If I’d taken my tie off, I was no longer at work. It sounds silly but it really helped to segregate and contain the work thoughts. I would literally say to myself (out loud if necessary) “I’m not going to think about that, I don’t have my tie on” and turn my thoughts to something else.
The other one was a mindfulness exercise where I would deliberately overload my attention with trivial stuff, to crowd out the worry, just for long enough to establish control. I made a video about it here:
I love this.
I think it’s hard these days to have that separation between work and home. It’s not like being a character in Severance where home you doesn’t remember work shit and vice versa.
It’s different probably more for different people than it is for different jobs. For me, a lot of the controls for what my brain does, are on the inside of the vehicle - I don’t think it’s necessarily like that for everybody and that can make people feel hopeless about their own thought-life.
I think it’s harder when you work remote. When I’m jumping from grant writing to laundry to home errands it all gets pretty jumbled, but I do make it a point to “turn it off” after a certain time of day. I started by disabling email notifications on my phone after 5pm. Now they are disabled completely and if someone really needs me they can text me. But I’m rarely in a position where someone urgently needs my input. It’s usually the other way around.
Anyway, I’ve schooled myself not to check my email when I’m not actively working. I had too many times where I checked my email and then spent the night stressing about something in my Inbox.
Juggling work-life balance, a bit too much work, the occasional after-hours request, or even being tossed into a role where I may not be as qualified tends not to bother me that much. Things that tend to get me stressed as they relate to work tend to include:
Which I guess is what I feel now. Before I was in what seemed like a healthy growing group where I was constantly busy receiving great feedback from a network of colleagues, clients, and management. Now I feel like I am adrift in the organization after a series of challenging and toxic clients. So I don’t know if things will settle with me in a new group or whether I’ll be out of a job. And while I don’t want to have to start from scratch at a new company at 52, I’m not sure I see a path forward where I am at for the next decade+.
And unfortnately that causes stress for my wife who feels like she needs to work even harder at her already demanding job, which then creates resentment, etc.
Then again, sometimes you just need to blow shit up and build something new.
No, it’s definitely not like that for me. Logically, my brain knows there probably isn’t anything to worry about. At least there isn’t anything happening immediately and worrying about what “might” happen doesn’t do much to prevent it.
OTOH, how I feel is very different and my brain has trouble talking myself out of feeling that way.
And as if I didn’t need more to obsessively worry about, my 8 year old daughter seems to be manifesting similar traits. For weeks now she’s been having obsessive fears about getting older and having relatives die (likely as her grandparents are very old) or dealing with teenager shit And every little setback seems to cause a meltdown.
So something else I need to figure out.
Well, as of Monday I no longer have the stress of my job hanging over my head. I was let go in our latest round of “exits” to save a bit of money.
It wasn’t a surprise really, so for a few days I felt a bit more relaxed not having it hanging over my head. But then thinking about my pending job search, moving for the summer out to our summer house (which I hate because I find it boring and isolating) and just the stresses of life triggered everything back up again.
My doctor prescribed Lexapro for the depression, which has admittedly become pretty severe. I’m not crazy about the idea of taking antidepressants, but exercise and other techniques don’t seem to be helping.
Was gonna say sorry for the job loss, but apparently had forgotten earlier discussions. I’m not sure how bad I can feel for anyone who has a “summer house.”
Hope things work out for you and you are able to appreciate whatever you have/do.
Why would having a summer house be relevant for you?
That summer house is a giant millstone in the OP’s life. He’s written about it a bunch. It’s worth thinking beyond the obvious efore snarking on a guy who came here and courageously laid out his problems for us to ponder & perhaps help.
It’s certainly true that poverty can be pretty depressing. But there’s a famous saying that “money can’t buy happiness” for a reason.
I’ve long understood grief as the loss of something you didn’t really want to lose. A job can surely qualify – even if it doesn’t come as a total surprise.
I hope the meds help. Be gentle with yourself. There’s a lot of turmoil happening in your life.
If I remember your description of your in-laws (and that your vacation property out in their vicinity), it’s also probably good to put some extra effort toward not reacting to them or their political stuff.
No need to swing at those pitches. Not now.
Moderating:
Perhaps you’ve heard the expression, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Not every thought in your head needs to be said. It’s not in the spirit of MPSIMS to say such things. Don’t do this again.
ETA: Based on the simultaneous mod note posted by @puzzlegal but now removed, I am elevating this to a formal warning for being a jerk. You do this a little too often.
I just noticed the earlier reference to a change in temperatire tolerance. If you haven’t already, ask your dr to check your thyroid levels, and specifically t3. A lot of what you describe can be caused by hypothyroid. I spent years being diagnosed with depression before my current dr. finally checked it.
Another suggestion is to find some charity work. No matter how low i go in life, there is always somebody i can help. And when i do, that’s when i feel really content. It would be a great experience with your kids, even if it’s just a done-in-a-day project.
Hope that helps.
Have you thought about letting the wife and kids move to the other house for the summer, and you stay at least half-time in the first house? It would limit the in-law aggravations and also give you some peace and quiet to do your job search.
Unless you think being alone is not a good idea right now, then completely disregard the above.
My whole life has become a giant millstone. Technically I suppose I’ve become a giant millstone to my wife as she’s the one who has to support us now.
In all fairness, without further context, @Dinsdale 's statement is not unreasonable. It’s not uncommon for people who live in NYC and Jersey City/Hoboken to have second homes in places like the Jersey Shore, the Hamptons, or the Poconos.
Think of it less as some pretentious Hampton’s retreat to complement our pied-à-terre so much as it is a workable solution to having a place where we can raise our kids, support my wife’s aging family, while maintaining a cramped overpriced city apartment so we don’t have to commute hours every day from some cramped overpriced suburb to Manhattan where we work.
I was talking with our neighbor who was telling me about her niece who just lost her job in television production after they just bought a $3 million home in Greenwich, CT. I know it’s not particularly sympathetic when bad things happen to people with money. But regardless of your level of income, it’s traumatic having your world blown up like that.
We did this like 5 years ago during COVID when I lost that job and the following summer when that job didn’t work out (right before we got the house). We couldn’t be sequestered for months in our apartment with two small kids and there is no way I could conduct an effective job search from my wife’s cramped country house. In fact it was the impetus for her buying the house in the first place. It was actually pretty effective in terms of managing stress.
I plan to go back to the apartment at least a few times during the summer, but I don’t think I want to spend the whole summer away from my family.
Correction in my previous post. My wife and kids stayed at her parents cramped house during COVID. We had not purchased our other house yet.
Sure, you have grief. Loss of identity and purpose. Loss of status. Fear of the future. Fear of irrelevancy. Financial concerns. Isolation. Dealing with wife. Dealing with kids. Dealing with aging inlaws. My own Dad isn’t getting younger. I appear to be getting younger but I’m actually not. Medical stuff. All that shit.
It’s a similar experience to one described in a podcast I was listening to about military vets reentering civilian life. They describe it as boarding a C-130 transport plane and when it’s time to leave, they are told to just step out the door. And by the time if anyone has bothered to see if you’re gone, the vehicle is already too far away to care.
Same thing exiting my job (except maybe the PATH train or NY Waterway ferry is a better metaphor). One minute I’m working out of our iconic Manhattan office (or from home) working with a bunch of really smart colleagues on an interesting cutting-edge project for some Wall Street bank. The next I’m sitting out here adrift in the countryside by myself powerwashing a picket fence out of boredom like a fucking idiot while the kids are at camp and my wife’s in the city.
That’s right. I have to get up at 5am to drive my wife to the train station because she has to be in the office 2 days a week while I’m stuck out here in this stupid-ass house she bought! Oh sweet irony!
Anyhow, I actually feel a little better today. So there’s that.
I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. I hope talking it through here has brought you some small measure of comfort.
You are going to hate the suggestion with the fire of a thousand suns. I strongly advise you to do it anyway. . .
Every morning when you wake up, list five things you are grateful for. Put a small notebook beside the bed and do it the moment you wake - before you even head in to pee. (The urgency can be inspiring, lol!)
Try to list at least one thing each day that is different than the day before. It can be as simple as “my pillow is soft” or “ripe peaches.” Through your day, look for things that could go on tomorrow’s list.
Your thoughts are stuck on some well-worn negative paths. Forcing your way through the cognitive thickets into positive ones is an unpleasant task, but you already know that your current paths lead to places you don’t like. You must force yourself to take on the hard chore of getting through the brambles and back on to positive streams of consciousness. This exercise is the best one i know for doing that.
I would also advise you to hug your wife and give her a compliment each morning. You probably have no idea how hard it is for her knowing that you are stuck in the negative and being unable to help you. Acknowledge this and let her know you are working on it.