You know, I never have had an opportunity to participate in this thread and always felt somewhat cheated. That is, until the last 2 weeks (I kept meaning to come and post, but it just got away from me). Anyway, in last two weeks I have seen:
[ol]
[li]A Delica. Here’s theWikipedia (I had to look it up), the one I saw looked like this one. I saw this in a driveway in my neighborhood. [/li][li] A Corvair Truck like this. I drove past it on the interstate where somebody was hauling it on a flatbed. It was beautiful and looked pretty pristine. I did not see if was a rampside (or all of them rampside?).[/li][li] I found out that on of my daughter’s friends father has a unamog, an old one. Very cool.[/ol][/li][/QUOTE]
Those things start somewhere and end somewhere, though. The relationship between parent and child begins by and from the parents, it’s the parents who choose in which direction to take it. My mother and her sister are horrible mothers; her parents were horrible parents; grandpa’s mother was a lousy mother… but grandma’s parents were good ones, her paranoia was her own, and my brothers don’t treat their own kids as if they were trash on legs.
My first advice is not to take the ashes. I have (half) of my father- who wasn’t abusive, just not there- and there is something particularly oppressive about them taking up both mental and physical space in your house. And that is without any abuse. The feeling has faded with time, but as I said, he was an absentee and not a tyrant. Get you brother or mother to take them or have them rent a safety deposit box so they can be retrieved upon your mother’s death.
Don’t feel obligated to mourn your father. If you have to mourn anything, mourn the relationship. You know other people didn’t get shitty dads. And it is fine to be angry and sad about that. You can mourn the possibility and the what might have been. You can mourn for the child you were and make peace with that, instead.
Then celebrate your life and what you are in spite of it all.
Edit: then you go. You pack your bags and leave ASAP. You did what you came to do. You are not your mother’s punching bag, either, and remember that emotional abuse is still abuse.
Looks like he has agreed to a feeding tube which significantly changes things. He’s down to about 90 lbs and has been slowly starving. The feeding tube will probably make him last a few more months rather than days/weeks.
Although it will just be prolonging the inevitable, I have to admit having a bit of an emotional reprieve is really nice.
I’m surprised they didn’t put the feeding tube in earlier (or did he refuse one?). It’ll be much less unpleasant for you on a daily basis, although it’s extending the “process”…
At least you know there are people here who are on your side as you go through this.
I’m glad you’re getting a bit of a respite. I hope the feeding tube takes care of the coughing/choking. I know just what you mean about wanting to yell, “SHUT UP” and then feeling terribly guilty. My husband’s mom was in the hospital during her dying process. She was semi-conscious and moaning and crying for hours on end. It was so hard on her kids, the noise drove me bonkers, and I, too, wanted to yell at her. I felt like a terrible person, but the whole situation was so terribly stressful.
My experience a couple times now has been that when a person’s death has been long and drawn-out, dying is a relief. It can be emotionally messy, but it’s better than what came before.
You’ve really risen above your upbringing, Floaty. I’m so very sorry you had to endure abuse, but knowing about it makes me marvel even more what a kind person you are. I hope you dedicate the next part of your life to making yourself happy and living life for yourself and not others. You deserve it.
My best wishes to Fat Uncle Blue. I hope he gets better.
Yeah, it’s a mixed bag of emotions for sure. I’m feeling a bit more at peace today. I took yesterday off work. I just needed a pajama day.
They went to get the tube put in yesterday but there was miscommunication between doctors and the place they were sent to doesn’t do feeding tubes so they’re going to try to arrange something for today or tomorrow.
Fat Uncle Blue is feeling better, thank goodness. I don’t want to deal with the loss of my obese little buddy right now.
Also sincere thanks to all who’ve replied - it’s meant a great deal to me.
My family is much like yours. I was the one who helped everyone out, until I needed help one day, and all they chose to offer me was blame. My brother is perfect and can do no wrong, despite never raising a finger for anybody. He was always the favorite though, it’s a gender bias thing.
Address it in the moment. Its the wrong time to dredge up old arguments and proofs of the pattern. But it’s always the time to say “That was rude, apologize.” or “I did X for you today, how about a little appreciation.” Patterns change through tiny steps.
I suspect that, like me, you are the truth teller in the family. And like my brother, yours lives in a world of denial and moving forward. So to your Mom, he represents a welcome respite and you represent the sludgy reality. I can only say that it’s our choice to address the truth, and it has a way of sneaking up to bite the Cleopatras.
See how that changes when you take your brother out of it? Address your own concerns; leave your brother’s relationships to your brother.
You need to make your plans for getting out of there. Stay until your Dad is gone if you feel you must, but DO NOT fall victim to that environment one day longer. Once he’s gone, you’ll feel it’s too soon to leave your Mom, and then her first Christmas without him will loom, and then she’ll get the flu or something. No. Set your end date now, and stick to it, even if your Dad hangs on after that.
This. You can be blamed for doing “everything wrong” or be blamed for refusing to involve yourself; I highly recommend the latter. Your Mom and brother will “forget” things and make dumb/expensive decisions and mess things up. This is when you’ll be tempted to step in and be the one to get it done. Don’t fall for it. Whenever a problem is identified address it to the funeral director, and give your Mom a ride to the meeting if needed, but stand aside (or even outside!) and let her make the decisions.
They will try to talk about “your half” of the expenses. Don’t play. Make it clear that you are paying for nothing. They may later try to use this to excuse leaving you out of any bequest. But you know perfectly well they will try to do that anyway.
You are allowed to want this to be over. In many countries this would be a frank conversation with his doctor followed by a kind, comfortable end to it all. Sadly, in the US society tries to make even the thought somehow shameful. It’s just normal and practical and kind.
Hospice is a fantastic idea. Don’t push for home hospice care, he’ll be more comfortable in their facility and you and your Mom will get some real rest. And the hospice doctors will make realistic decisions that support his comfort without prolonging his discomfort.
Missed the edit window.
Above all else, remember this: Decide what kind of a person you are going to be, and then be that, regardless of other people’s behavior. Be X kind of son no matter how your Mom treats your brother. Be X kind of brother no matter how much effort he does or does not expend. You are already showing this kind of integrity just by being there. Doing it consciously is what will free you from their dysfunction.
I want to extend my sympathy for what you are going through as well. You are a good son, even if nobody appreciates it. We here see you for who you are, and what you are doing is a good thing.
I lost my Dad suddenly a couple of years ago. He wasn’t ever abusive, but he was 92 and frail and sorta sickly, and I still got impatient and yelled at him sometimes. (He lived with my husband and me for the last years of his life.) The guilt is hard to deal with.
Anyway, I’m rambling, but I just want you to know that I admire your courage in the face of death.
OP lists their location as Vancouver Island. Assuming this is correct, medically-assisted death may be legal in Canada. Hopefully the OP’s father is aware of this. Given that a feeding tube has now been opted for, there may be time to pursue this if he (the father, not anyone else) wants it.
@OP: been there, done that, got the legal & financial headache(s) and emotional BS to go with it.
If I ever needed a real-life example of “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished,” that was it.
Well we’ve had two blessed days with dad being at the hospital and not sitting at home coughing and choking for hours upon hours. The relief and quiet are almost palpable.
He was admitted to the hospital in critical condition because he had almost starved to death. And, because he couldn’t swallow anything, apparently he hadn’t been taking his meds. Now that the feeding tube has been put in, he can “eat” and take all of his meds/calories/liquid with no coughing or choking.
He’s going to be in there for about a week total (oh glorious silence) and then, once his doctors say so, he’ll be back home. One doctor said that he was days away from dying but, now that he has the tube in, he could last another year or so.
So I guess that’s that.
I’m not the type to ever talk to him about anything of any importance but I am curious what made him change his mind. He was adamant that he didn’t want anymore doctors appointments and absolutely did not want a feeding tube.
I guess when he saw the end was days away, he decided he wasn’t ready to check out, yet.
Again, my sincere thanks to everyone who replied in anyway. I was in really bad shape and, because I’m not the type to ever reach out to people or show my emotions in real life, this was my only “safe” outlet.
On one hand, I’m glad he’s no longer coughing. On the other, I want you to be free to live your life, and I suspect this means you’ll continue to stay with them.
Don’t feel obligated to answer, it’s your business, but why? Your mother doesn’t seem like a positive in your life. (I’m not being critical, I’m just curious. As I say, don’t answer if you don’t want to.)
