I made the mistake of sacrificing my mental well being for my mother’s sake when my abusive father died, putting everying on the back burner for me, and doing everything I thought she needed. Were I given a chance to redo that, I wouldn’t be that sacrificing. I needed to have taken better care of myself.
My in-laws were too long disabled. Both had severe demntia/Alzheimer’s. It was endless rounds of caregivers and doctor appts. Hospital and rehab stays. Mr.Wrekker has a sister who can barely manage to feed her cat and a deceased brother. So all the logistics landed on him. It was a real mess for a long time. They died within a month of each other. All of a sudden it seemed like we had no errands or managing to do. It was a weird empty feeling… Mr.Wrekker took comfort in knowing he did all he could to help them. Thankless job that it was.
Hang in there, Floaty. Vent here, if you need too.
Dad died in February 2000.
July 3rd I started a job at a local factory with a very good reputation; six-months contract, to be made permanent if all went well. A few days later, I started talking with one of our parish priests about how I was doing my best to support my mother but it simply didn’t seem to be en-
and he cut me off with “you’re thinking of the Fourth. The Third goes first, and it includes ‘You Will Not Let Your Crazy Mother Drive You To Jump Off A Balcony’.”
I moved out of the house (nearby, but out of the house) as soon as I could find a place. I didn’t wait for my contract to be permanent, I didn’t look for the perfect place. I had one bed and one chair and one desk. I bought a microwave oven, two dishes and one of those cutlery sets that have four spoons, four forks and four knives (I already had a couple of mugs).
I understand wanting to be a good son. But remember: Thou Shalt Not Kill includes “don’t let your relatives drive you off a cliff”!
It is possible he couldn’t take the pain, or discomfort. You might want to have a discussion soon about when to move to treatment to alleviate discomfort only with your father and the doctors.
This is a very bad idea, but I’ve already given you my opinion on that.
If you are determined to stay at least make it a requirement that your Mother puts your name on the title to the home. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen people who gave up everything to support an elderly loved one be booted to the street 30 days after death. In one case, due to the delays of funerals at Arlington Cemetery, the relatives actually had the movers show up the day of the funeral. They moved all her things out to a storage unit and left her there, penniless.
Whatever you think of your Mother’s or your Brother’s intentions, do not do this without the deed in hand. And don’t settle for being named it in the will, as you may very well not be able to pay the necessary taxes.
Insist upon being named as co-owner now. This will also give you some standing and some rights with regard to your living space. You will no longer be a houseguest of any description and will therefore not have to tolerate being treated like one.
If you are unable to stand up for yourself in this way then get to a good counselor as soon as possible.
Floaty, I’ll be supportive with any decision you make, but I want to be sure you know that you have a right to your own life, and you’re only hurting yourself by feeling guilty about anything that’s happened or will happen. You’ve already done so much and anyone who doesn’t appreciate that doesn’t have YOUR best interests at heart, only theirs.
Hugs.
Floaty,
Maybe I’m wrong but I get the impression that you keep being with them because you don’t want to feel guilty for not having done it or you want some silver lining, for that part of your life not to have been so horrible. The guilt/hostility-to-self may be a virus-like meme you caught from them and your repeated attempts to find something positive in this may be analogous to a gambler who desperately keeps betting to “turn things around”.
Did your parents often blame you? What can happen when you encounter a reaction often is that you start to anticipate it and if you anticipate it enough times and long enough, you can start to integrate it into your self-talk and personality without even realizing it; Instead of being an idea you can examine, it’s the point of view you see things from.
I’ve written here about my father a number of times. I wrote a whole lot but deleted it; suffice it to say that I have some inkling of your tribulations. As others have said, take care of yourself first. And if you want to vent, we’ll be here.
Well the doctor was right with it being about a year after the feeding tube. We’re here now, hours away from the end. Death isn’t pretty.
I thought 90 lbs looked bad. He’s 69 pounds now. We’ve had a hospital bed for a few days and the nurses come every day. He’s on morphine and something to keep him calm. His eyes point in different directions which is very disconcerting. He’s mostly unconscious and I don’t think he’ll talk again.
And what do you know, my brother is coming today.
Wish me strength.
((Floaty))
Wishing you all the strength. You are a worthy person and I enjoy “knowing” you on the Dope. Be well, Internet Friend.
Wishing you strength and peace Floaty. Be gentle to yourself.
Wishing you strength and equanimity.
I wish you strength, but don’t be afraid to show weakness. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to lean on people, do it. And when you’re feeling up to it, please come back here and let us know how you’re doing.
I wish you all the strength you have in you - which seems to be a hell of a lot, from this thread
(This is the same brother coming in as in your other recent thread, right? Much strength for that too)
Peace be with you. I’ll be thinking of you.
The visit went fine. It may seem selfish but I’m very glad that he is mostly unconscious so there wasn’t any conversation. My brother seemed a bit shell-shocked at seeing our dad like that. He pretty much looks like he’s already dead.
Before they arrived, my mom wanted to put clean clothes on my dad and needed help. So I helped. I can’t say this to anybody in real life so I’ll say it here. I deserve a fucking medal. When I was young, vulnerable and fragile, he treated me horribly. Now, when he’s vulnerable and fragile, I’m treating him with kindness, compassion and care. I may not think very highly about myself in just about every way, but I know I’m a good person. I lifted him up and took off his sweater, gently put on a new one and carefully laid him back down. It was like changing a baby. He is so stiff though. I suppose as he gets closer to death, his body starts to atrophy?
This is what I’m mourning. I am a good daughter. I was always a good daughter. He wasted that.
Yes, same brother.
I agree.
One reason to always do the right thing is so you can maintain your self esteem. You took care of your dad even though he didn’t deserve it. When this is all over, you won’t be nagged by doubts. I hope you’re able to find peace soon.
I am very sorry for your losses, both the immanent one and the lifelong ones.
My God. What a long hard year for you. I am so sorry.
His loss. Your work is almost done here. I won’t say I’m sorry for your loss because you never had it to begin with. Do whatever you need to do and hold your head high.